I live in another country and I am the eldest of 5 in the family. I am the only one unmarried and with no children. I curently work and I am about 4 years off the my pension and I cannot afford to stop working
My mothers in her early 80's and has always been independent, manipulative and controling. My father is dead for over 20 years . Recently I attended a funeral for his sister (my aunt) and later another one for my mother's brother (my uncle). At both funerals I met my cousins who all talked about how I would be retiring soon and moving to live with or near my mother and I would drive her around. I never said anthing of the kind to my mother but my mother has told them all this.
Anyway she has a series of longterm conditions like arthritis and heart disease and lives about 3 miles from the nearest town. She has always driven her own car but after 2 strokes her doctor has not renewed her licience this month. The doctor also told her that she has the beginnings of dementia. My brother lives about 35 mins from her but works about 10 minutes away. My other sister who has 3 young children lives about 45 minutes away and never vistits my mother because of all the bad things my mother said about her husband (though he is awful) and how my mother is so mean with money (she has 100s of 1000s in the bank but would not buy a cup of coffee if out)
Anyway we were discussing how she would cope not having the car. (of course she say she ould be better off dead) I looked up buses for her but they are not too regular. Taxis cost but she doesnt want to pay. Her car is very old and falling apart. It needs probably new tyres, battery and would not pass MOT without some investment. I said to her why dont you sell it for scrap. But she said she wants to keep it. She is the kind that would still drive it on by roads. Anyway she asks me if I would want it ? I said I live in another country and considering how much it would cost to maintain (mot, road tax,etc) I would need ot visit alot to get my monies worth and I am not in position now to live where she is and I dont want to. She thens asked in an accustory manner why am I not retired already like some of my friends who had good pensions. So told her flatly that I was not going to move there and drive her around.She was openly annoyed by this . I kinda lost my termper because when I was there and young I couldnt touch her car. I never was allowed to drive it in my teens and 20s . I pointed this out and she said I never wanted to drive. I have a licence for nearly 40 years and It is true I havent drove becasue I live in a city and dont need to but she never offered the car when I went home. I always had to get lifts off my friends. But now she is offering me her car ? Her plan is I will maintain it and visit Ireland and drive her round. I lost it and pointed out that she never vistied her mother and drove her around and her mother ended up in a nursing home and she never visited. Same with my fathers mother...She was in a nursing home in her local town for 10 years and she never visted once. her brother that died recently was very ill for 5 years and was looked after by his live in daughter (she expects me to do this) but my mother never vistied him. I pointed this all out and she hung up on me and now I am sorry I pointed out these truths but I hate being manipulated by someone who was so mean and selfish my whole life.
I thought I could handle her but I realise I have so much anger. Both she and my father were married very young and he didnt work so we were very poor . My mother worked to put food on the table and clothes on our backs but she resented it and we were made to feel this. My father also resented us (the eldest 3) ...the youngest came when they were older. I tried to be nice to her as best I can all my life but I resent her and I know she is so selfish in so many way yet worked hard to bring us up. She has to control us always. My youngest sister who doesn talk to her married late ...my mother resented her leaving home and getting married as she thought she would always be there to hang out with her
It easy for people on here to say logical replies but the truth is logic does not come into it when dealing with mothers. She wants to be looked after on her terms and to spend no money. I dont even want to ring her and I feel sick that I resent her so much . My other sister and I ring her regulary and visit and we have carers for her an hour a day . She physically doesnt need them but she needs emotional support and medication support. She will stop taking medication if not checked. Her whole life she has been afraid of the future and now she is afraid of going to a nursign home and of dying . I understand but I cannot give up my life for this . I can support her as best I can but cant prevent what is going to happen. I would really love to be able to retire and travel but if I do anything for myself she resents it. She says I have no money because am always going on holiday . I only go to visit her and the odd weekend away !!
I wrote this as I have no one to discuss this with and it helps to write it down.