Mother refuses potential future care, wants me to drop my life for her.

[aprilmayjunejulyaugust]

I am mid 40s my DM is mid 80s. I live in the UK and she lives in another country. I do not visit her v often as she has always been v controlling so when I am there I have to stay with her despite no bed to sleep in, there is always problem with food as she eats little but does not allow me to cook meals, I can not go out and meet people because 'you came here to be with me not others'. I have been here before and received great support - grey rock has been a blessing and I keep a distance. I have my own problems in a difficult relationship which I think is partly because I fear if I am not in a toxic relationship with my partner I will end up with my toxic mother. I'd rather be with toxic partner and have some privacy and own life rather than be sucked in my DM. I have been in therapy for years but only recent 12 months have brought some posotive shift for me. I feel my failed marraige and now toxic relationship is part of the patterns I was brought up in. My DM has had a charmed life, no struggles, good job, now good pension, goes on holidays despite being mid 80s, really privilidged life. I am divorced, only managed to secure state pension, no children, no mortgage or home - renting with partner and in a minimum wage job. I had a career but during divorce it all imploded and I had to take time off. It was difficult to come back to the same 6 figure salary level as I was out and self employed etc so eventyally I ended up in different retail/ office jobs. My DM is now at the stage where she does not accept that eventually she will end up in a care. She bluntly told me she will not go anywhere and that I would have to live with her and look after her. She doesn't understand how come I can not find decent job, how come the times are the way they are, she measures everything through her views. She can be very demanding about calling her, topics we talk about and cosntantly complains. Her close cousin who lives nearby has been diagnosed with dementia 8 months ago yet my DM can not understand why the cousin is not having her hair done, dressed up and showing intrests. I keep explaining to her (started bluntly relating) that 'mum your cousin is very ill and gradualy dying each day so there is only one way here'. On days when I am unwell my DM would be surprise how come I am unwell as I am young and shouldne be. I almost feel like I can not live my life because she is there overlooking everything. Thanks to help here I did not go for Christmas which was great as I was just to exhausted even at the thought of it. We have a house move in the summer so I think I may get away with not going for more than few days but will book a hotel. I wonder if there is anyone here who has an elderly parent in another country and is wondering how to tackle all this x just need words of support and calming the guilt.

Have a look at the threads of family relationships. It's a hard no from me, if you've already been damaged by toxic control then I'd either flatly say how often you can visit, if at all and stay in a hotel for most of it. Personally I'd consider no contact for a while, at least.

I thought I'd add that she can be lovely as well but her and my partner are very similar which obviously came out in therapy how I am drawn into the same patterns. The days I call her I always wonder what mood she will be in. Once I know that I adjust myself to her mood. I do not think this is normal. She would say she knows me better than anyone else yet I moved out 25 years ago and we have had 7 years of no contact between my age 21 and 28. When I was young and wanted to have a family she said something that really stayed with me - that she will not help out with grandchildren so I never had kids. My therapist says it was powerful rejection and reflected on what type of men I went for (men who did not want children).

Just tell her that it's not possible for you to do what she wants.
Be polite but consistent.
Cut down the length and number of your visits and calls (to zero, if necessary).

You live in a different country? Should be easy to avoid her

"You need to look after me when im old"
"As I have told you that is not possible, anyway moving on"

I would cut her off completely. 💐

I'm glad that you're making progress with therapy and have managed to hold to boundaries you've established. Your mum doesn't sound like she needs care right now. When/if she does, in a few months or a few years time, you'll be further ahead with the work of your therapy. It will be a different version of you, a stronger version, dealing with whatever issues you face.
Could you have found the strength to have not seen her at Christmas in previous years? But you managed last year.
You can see the issues heading your way, you have time and space to think about what you want to do and what you will not do.

"She bluntly told me she will not go anywhere and that I would have to live with her and look after her. She doesn't understand how come I can not find decent job, how come the times are the way they are, she measures everything through her views."
She doesn't need to understand. If you say 'no', you don't need to provide an explanation which she understands or agrees with.
It's ok to say "I won't be moving in and caring for you" and that's the end of the conversation. No explanations or justifications. She can complain all she likes but it's hard to argue with a person that doesn't argue back.

My mum told me I would have to look after her.

i told her I was in a wheelchair already and much more disabled than her so she could expect it all she liked but it wasn’t physically possible.

parents sometimes have totally unreasonable expectations. My mum has got used to it.

I say this with the greatest of kindness OP but you need to start taking ownership of your own life and your own decisions.

Your mother has certainly conditioned you to have limited self worth and this has influenced the choices you make but only YOU chose not to have children and only YOU chose to pick this partner - not your mother.

Keep your distance as you wish and you are not unreasonable to do so but you have to take ownership for your decisions - you have that power now

My DM is now at the stage where she does not accept that eventually she will end up in a care. She bluntly told me she will not go anywhere and that I would have to live with her and look after her.

You are worrying about something in the future. At the moment she doesn't need care and when she does she will have to either arrange it herself or ask you to help her arrange care. You do not have to be her carer so stop worrying about that.

I do not visit her v often as she has always been v controlling so when I am there I have to stay with her despite no bed to sleep in, there is always problem with food as she eats little but does not allow me to cook meals, I can not go out and meet people because 'you came here to be with me not others'.

Stop visiting her. She can't harm you more than she has already done. No matter how angry or upset she is, you have a right to an independent life.

Yes, agree, so much easier than someone living round the corner. If/when the time comes she will literally have to rely on herself, friends, services where she lives.

My DM is now at the stage where she does not accept that eventually she will end up in a care. She bluntly told me she will not go anywhere and that I would have to live with her and look after her.

You can bluntly tell her that you will not live with her or look after her. Also I agree with pp. It would be healthier for you to own your own decisions. I do not believe that telling yourself you had/have no choices about major life decisions (partners, children etc) is helpful.

A couple of people in the comments are telling you OP to take control of your life and that you have now, and historically have always had, the ability to choose things for yourself.

Logically this is totally and completely true. But we're not logical. If you had a magic switch you could use to turn off your mother's internal voice/expectations/critisism/control/guilt that you have inside your mind, going round and round like a demented hamster wheel, I'm sure you would have done that years ago. You were raised with and shaped by her demands on you and have suffered from what she wasn't able to give you by way of 'normal' mothering.

You are where you are now and you are improving. I hope you find comments like those helpful to give you an idea of what is normal for you going forward and don't read judgement or criticism from them.

I agree
Many of us had difficult parents and of course they shape you to certain extent but you can make your own decisions and the sooner you do that the better.
Take control of your life and own your mistakes so you can make a better life

as always all posts and suggestion are very helpful thank you. I am looking for excuses as how to explain myself to her for not visiting as she demands that and I feel if i give an excuse I pcisfy her and give myself air to breath wheras when I don't give a reason she really pushes me. and last but not least is the incredible guilt but I usually balance it with my wellbieng as this situation affects my health a lot.

Could you not leave both of them and go it alone? Even if you went into council accomodation such as for the over 55s in future at least you'd not have to deal with these people anymore

Almost identical circumstances here, regarding ages and myself living in another country.
My (abusive elderly) parent wouldn't even try to pull this one.
Cut her off completely and live your life.

What would happen if you just stopped contact with her completely OP? Can you describe what that would look like?

When you visit your DM, why don't you book a hotel, b&b or Airbnb instead ?
Then you will have a proper bed to sleep on.
Then you can organise your own food

You already know that it is fine for you to refuse to sacrifice your life and wellbeing to go and live with her when she gets too old and frail to manage without help.

The thing you don't seem to have grasped yet is that it is also not your responsibility to make sure that she has accepted this fact and is making other plans. Her fantasies that you are going to do it all are something that exist in her own head but it is not your job to resolve that for her. So long as you have let her know that you will not be doing any such thing, you don't need to do anything else.

Next time you visit that country do not stay with your mum, stay with one of the other people who you would have liked to visit on previous occasions, and visit your mum on just one or two of the days. She is not in charge of how you spend your time, take ownership of your life.

In the country where she is living, what do the frail elderly who don't have a child willing to sacrifice themselves typically do during the last few years of their life? Is there reasonable quality care available and is it provided by the state or usually self-funded?

“No mum, that doesn’t work for me”

put the phone away from your ear, breathe and pause.

“you’re not listening to me, I said no. I’m going to hang up now because you’re not listening. Bye” and do hang up.

It gets easier.