Update: SIL wants me to talk to in-laws about support

[BruFord]

No real point to this thread except that it relates to my previous thread about DH suggesting to his siblings a couple of months ago that they consider offering their parents (mid-80’s) some support as no one lives close by.

Anyway, his younger sister was in favor but his older sister shot down his suggestions (meal kits and perhaps a cleaner).

Yesterday, I got a call from her asking ME to talk to her parents about that type of support! It was truly bizarre, as if DH had never mentioned the subject. She knows that my Dad (87) has meal deliveries, a cleaner, etc. and she wants me to talk to her parents about how they benefit him.

It was just weird, as if DH had never mentioned anything. I won’t be taking on any of the organizing though, four siblings can surely work it out among themselves.

Am I overthinking this or do you think something’s happened that she’s not telling us? Or am I being lined up as chief support organizer?!

Can you post your previous thread.
Might give posters context.

Just tell your DH to call her and go easy ahem x good result!

So your husband has said to his two sisters that they, the two sisters, should offer his (and their) parents some support as you and your dh live far away and now one of the sisters has contacted you and asked you to talk to her parents about the things your own parents have in place?

@RodeoClown Nope. Everyone lives hours away except for one sister who lives 90 minutes away. Older brother lives abroad.

DH was concerned that his parents have no support so said on a group chat-do you think Mum and Dad might like some meal kits or some help with cleaning? His Mum has a bad back yet still does all the domestic chores. Younger sister (who lives closest) said good idea, let’s see whether they’re interested; brother said nothing; older sister said no, was really adamant.

Yesterday older sister rang me to ask ME __to talk to her parents about this type of thing! I can’t understand why.

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken I can’t find the original thread, perhaps I put it in 30 Days Only, I can’t remember!

Maybe she is asking you because you have experience with your own DP and can therefore speak from experience about the benefit of having the help ? Your DH and siblings don’t have direct experience and we all know how difficult aging parents can be about accepting help. Might have been a bit clumsy her approach but suspect it is coming from that angle

Nailed it.

@Aligirlbear Perhaps, although my Dad lives abroad so services are completely different.

I suppose I don’t understand the change in attitude when she was so against it a couple of months ago. Also, she acted as if my DH had never suggested it in the first place!

That doesn’t explain why she so strongly pushed back when OPs DH suggested it in the first place and is now acting like it’s all her idea!

Sorry cross-posted!

Sometimes people will only act if they feel it's their idea. It's about power and control.

Someone else making the suggestions when they aren't ready to hear them means they just shut down because they are in denial.

Just roll with it. It doesn't matter who suggested it first if you now are all on the same page.

I suspect there's an element of sexism going on here - she called you not her brother and she dismissed his ideas as if they were worthless. So I'm guessing she sees caring as a female role.

Get your DH to call her back and don't get involved. It's up to them to organise otherwise you will get dragged into this. It's for your DH to manage his relationship with his sister and parents not you. He will know what's going on with his own in-laws enough to explain.

When DH suggested it was he - or did she think he was - suggesting the siblings pay for the help? And now she wants you to talk to her DPs to convince them to pay for help?

That's the only thing I can think that would explain her complete about face!

It's kind of nice she suggested you talk to them. It shows she thinks you are part of the family, as much as them. She's showing you have value and inclusiveness in the family.

Of course you don't have to. Your DH can make those suggestions and have that conversation with them. Then it's up to them.

@RedToothBrush I do think there was an element of denial previously, plus not wanting to get involved.

Perhaps I’ve been pigeon-holed as the caring motherly type, who knows! DH is the only one of his siblings who chose to have children so perhaps we’re seen as the default family carers?!

@thankgoodnessforpuppies Hmm, the hadn’t considered it like that, I can’t imagine asking DH to speak to my Dad about this, instead of doing it myself. Are you sure she just doesn’t want to do it herself?

I don't think she just doesn't want to do it herself because she's asking you to share your family experience, which you have and she doesn't. I suspect she feels that hearing from someone with first hand experience of how helpful the services have been might sway them to think about it more. This suggests that she values your experience and thinks you have the kind of relationship with her parents that you can have that conversation with them.

If you don't want to do it, then SIL could always report second hand how she'd talked to you and it seems your parents are finding the services helpful. It probably has more power coming from you or DH, but that depends on your relationship with them, whether you want to do it and feel you can, or whether you could pass it on to DH to do.

I’m quite happy to talk to them about support. I don’t know why she’s suddenly changed her mind, but DH plans to call his younger sister over the weekend anyway so he’s going to ask her how their parents are as she lives the closest. DH is seeing them in April but if anything’s changed health-wise, for example, she can give him a heads-up.

I’m an only so sibling relationships are a mystery to me sometimes!

When she called, why didn’t you ask her what you are asking here? Not in a confrontational way but as part of normal conversation? I don’t get it.

I would offer to explain the support your father gets to her. Or your husband. Or all of them. But like you say - there’s 4 of them to sort this out and it’s not your responsibility.

I think if you try and help the sister will eventually get annoyed at you for overstepping too given what you have said.

@isthesolution Believe me, I’ll be letting them make all the arrangements, I have enough to do with my side of the family!
But I’m happy to mention how my Dad benefits from the support he has.

I think any emotional decision like this just takes time. And it can be hard to acknowledge you’ve changed your mind I guess. Your Dh planted a seed and she’s come round to the idea.

DP’s sister took their mum to see round a sheltered housing place in the week. First response was for her to gather three reasons why it wouldn’t work. Sister v frustrated and thinks it’s all over. Me, slightly longer in the tooth with this stuff, thinks that given a year or so she will probably move (although quite likely not to the same development- she’d need to find it herself imo).