Dad’s upsetting comments after Mum’s death are affecting our relationship

[Thinkhappydays]

Hi, I’m new to posting, so a big hello and thanks for reading.
Life has been difficult since my lovely Mum passed away last year and it’s been very hard for my Dad who misses her terribly and lives on his own. I had a milestone birthday recently and was grateful that he’d bothered with some gifts as it was difficult celebrating without Mum. When I was leaving his house, he became tearful and told me that it’s difficult as Mum wasn’t well when she had me. This resonated with me after I left and made me feel dreadful for the rest of my birthday and subsequent days. I had trouble being jolly in front of the kids and my husband who’d all made an effort (especially difficult so close to Mother’s Day). I can’t help but feel that was a really awful thing to tell me, I knew Mum had a difficult delivery but I guess you want to hear about how much you were loved and cherished. There have been a few comments since losing Mum, but I’m finding it very hard to call my Dad now, which is a shame. Perhaps it’s just grief, but it felt cruel… thanks for listening.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and especially at this tricky time of year. Did your mum suffer from PND? Perhaps undiagnosed? Grief is such a painful process, there are no rights and wrongs, there’s no fixed end date and sometimes it punches you in the stomach out of nowhere, sometimes the most random thing can trigger a memory.

It sounds like you are both struggling and also that he did make an effort for you on your birthday. It seems that thinking of your birth also reminded him of your mum’s illness. Why did it make you tearful? It sounds like it was memories for him rather than malice? Just because she struggled didn’t mean you weren’t loved or cherished. It’s so sad if it’s putting you off keeping in contact with him. Could you let him know it’s on your mind to get the full picture? It’s also really worth looking into grief counselling or talking therapy. I’ve found it so helpful.

If he became tearful as you were leaving after celebrating a big milestone birthday, could it be that, in seeing you, he remembers how hard his wife fought through her illness (possibly PND) and it makes him proud of both you and her? Seeing everything you’ve accomplished across your life and he feels proud remembering his resilient wife?
That’s how I’d see it ❤️ I’m sorry for your loss OP, I hope you feel better, hold on to your Dad, you’re both grieving the loss of a great woman
x

Thank you, I’m building up the courage to approach with him. He’s been a little dismissive of my grief which has been tricky to handle as he’s told me there’s no greater loss than your partner. It does feel a bit like a stage of resentment with some of the comments I’ve received. I have tried talking to him about this, to validate my feelings, but it’s not helped and he has a habit of ignoring and talking over me. I think it made me feel bad as it felt almost like blaming me for Mum being unwell and not being here today. Her health wasn’t good after childbirth, bless her.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is an awful swamp to wade through. It's a very self centered process. Your dad's speaking without thinking of your feelings, without his usual filter. You're also feeling grief and want to protect yourself. You have a particular way of thinking about your mum and your relationship with her, what your dad said alters your picture. So you're angry with him.
It's not wrong of either of you, just human.
Neither of your parents will be the version they've presented to you all your lives. People rarely show their whole true selves, we're all social chameleons. I've often found out so much more about my relatives after they've died, as messy complicated 3D people.

There’s a reason for the saying “it’s the grief talking”. With my mum, after Dad died, she said some truly, truly horrendous things. But I had to realise I was still fortunate to have DH to talk to and lean on where she didn’t have anyone. Could this be the same in your case?

I think you're being too sensitive. Women who suffer from PND still love their children. You must know how your mum felt about you - focus on thst and let your dad's comments go.

Seek some bereavement counselling
He was just sharing to you

I think in your grief you read too much into the remark. If it was factual that she had a very difficult labour/delivery with you,then that's just what it was. A fact, something that he particularly remembers. I don't know how old you are, OP, but also consider that fathers being at the delivery is a fairly new thing. Your granddad probably didn't attend the births of his children for example. If your dad did attend then he might well have been affected by seeing his wife in pain. Nowadays fathers are expected to attend, they probably know more about what happens, but I do know 1 or 2 who admit privately that they found it hard to see their partner in pain. Not because they are wimps, but because they could not alleviate the pain of their loved one.
I would let the dust settle. If you want to know more, gently ask him about it. He might want to tell you. Just to add, my mum died when I was 11, my dad was absolutely distraught. He just about got by on a daily basis. He said, much later, when I was an adult that if I hadn't existed then he would have killed himself. Me being there kept him going. I don't feel bad about that. Everyone who knew my parents knew that they were always in love. The loss of her, to him, was huge. Devastating.
My dad and your dad didn't mean to upset either of us. Mine definitely didn't upset me.
Sorry for the ramble, I hope you see the point I'm trying to make. You are both grieving. He meant no harm, he was just remembering.

My parent was equally dismissive of my grief, and pretty much anyone who knew my mum's grief when she died. They completely centred themselves and their own feelings. At first I tried to get heard and acknowledged but the most healthy thing for me was to stop trying to get them look beyondv their loss and find sorry and acknowledgment groom others.

20 years later there is still no acknowledgment of my grief and honestly it distances our relationship. But that isn't my problem its theirs.

Find support from others and when hurtful things are said forget them as quickly as possible. Sometimes it isn't the grief it's just unkind.

It sounds like he is really struggling, when you were leaving on your birthday to go back to your husband and children, he felt stuck alone, overwhelmed with painful memories and with no one to share them with Where can he get his feelings validated now he's alone? It's understandable that you don't want to hear some of the things he feels he needs to say right now. Does he have anyone else he can turn to?

As pps suggest, he may have felt frightened and helpless when you were born and in his grief those feelings are looming up for him and he can't see past his own distress.

Can you gently encourage him to find an outlet to support him wih these feelings, who isn't you? It does sound as though he would benefit from support from someone experienced with helping with bereavement - as might you of course.

Very sorry for your loss 💐💐

This is a familiar dynamic, at least the dismissal of your grief @Thinkhappydays.

My DF died in 2021. My parents had been together sixty years and married for 56 years. It was a very traditional and happy marriage and my mum worshipped my dad and was pretty dependent on him in every way. There is no grief as hard as her’s and every experience is related back to how hard it is for her. Everyone else has something in their life which makes it easier for them. It is very waring and early on was upsetting. I find myself hiding difficulties I’ve had including a cancer diagnosis (which luckily was OK so was possible to hide) and other big things, or massively minimising problems or worries I have. This is to protect her but also to protect me because the more upset she gets the more pieces I have to pick up. I also end up hiding positive things because she will say, ‘you’re lucky you’re not all alone like me’. I can’t share my grief with her because I can’t compete. I can’t share too much of the fun side because that also causes upset.

She’d be devastated to read this and she really does mean well and has the same fierce loyalty to me and my (emotionally distant) brother.

What has helped dilute things a bit and give her another outlet has been joining a bereavement group which is run by the local church (not a religious focus to the group, more about sitting around drinking coffee but very gently facilitated by the local vicar). She has been able to meet others with multiple different challenges and to support others who have been more recently bereaved and expand her previously non-existent social life and perspective. Would outside input and a chance to relate to others of his generation who have been through something similar help him a bit? It sounds like he is not at the point where he can really see your perspective and trying to get the acknowledgement your feelings rightly deserve probably won’t have the right outcome. It’s so hard; each walking a different lonely path of shared grief. 💐

I think there is a different dynamic when a spouse dies. Obviously children, siblings have their own grief. I'm widowed and I often think that I now no longer have a person in my life on a daily basis who has known me for so long continously. I don't have the same conversations with my children that I would have with a spouse. I can't say ' remember when we', there are so many memories which are now mine alone. That isn't to say losing a parent/parents isn't painful, I know what that's like too, but it does seem different to have a spouse die rather than a parent.

My mum's husband and my brothers dad died a couple of years ago. They have always been very selfish and over the years caused a lot of amusement on AIBU but nothing prepared me for their entirely inward looking grief. It has actually left me pretty numb about the death of him, my dad.

I also have to say that childbirth has always been a scary, risk time for women and in the past husbands were asked who to prioritise in a medical situation. Treatment was very poorly understood and communicated. Very scary. I'm sorry your dad very clumsily brought up his fear on what should have been a celebration. He must have loved your mum very much to still be carrying the strong emotions all these years later.