Dad dying in hospital and I’m not there

[elfisheyes]

I would appreciate any support/ words of reason as I’m struggling with feeling guilty/conflicted about not being with my Dad right now as he’s dying.

I got the call that he went into hospital 5 days ago in a critical state (an acute exacerbation of end stage COPD) so I drove down 2h to be with him there. I stayed with my mum (divorced but lives nearby, but won’t visit Dad) and I visited Dad multiple times in hospital.
Initially he was conscious and we spoke, he looked dreadful, visibly struggling but in denial about how sick he was and was talking about going home. The last time I saw him was on day 2 but he’d been sedated as had become agitated, which I had witnessed at times in the days before and was quite distressing. He is very frail and the doctors said he wasn’t improving despite being given medication and CPAP machine.

For context, I am 35w pregnant and we made the decision for my toddler and husband to stay at home. It’s been a tricky pregnancy the last few weeks and I’m exhausted. I felt nervous being 2h from home, so close to the birth. Being with Dad and seeing his decline was also distressing, and I made the decision to come home, for me, baby, and toddler (whose birthday it also was yesterday). I said my goodbye to Dad whilst he was sedated and I don’t know if he knew I was there.

I’m keeping in touch with the ward each day and my Dad’s dear friend who is visiting him daily. The doctors have started end of life pathway- withdrawn fluids, Dad remains sedated and on morphine. It’s likely it’ll happen soon but could take several days. It’s 2d since I left and I am feeling increasingly guilty for not being by his side now, as he’s dying, that he’s there alone.

I also know that soon a lot of admin awaits me, I’m an only child and I won’t have my mum’s support with it. I’m already grieving but also feeling bereft of the few weeks I was hoping to have to relax and get into a positive mindset about the birth. Feeling quite broken 💔

Can you go back today with your husband to say your goodbyes again and your Mum have your toddler? I’m so sorry. You saw him when he was awake which is the main thing.

@Llamallamafruitpyjamaunfortunately it’s a bit complex, I don’t have the best relationship with my mum, she has not supported me well emotionally through this. She has narcissistic tendencies unfortunately and makes everything about her. She has never looked after my toddler on her own and my husband has to be back at work.
I thought I had made my peace with leaving, saying goodbye and coming home for the right reasons including my health as I’m not feeling well at all or sleeping, and heavily pregnant. But I still have a feeling of sadness and guilt.

OP I feel for you. My dad died two weeks before my child was born. It was a difficult time. I wanted to be happy I had a newborn and felt guilty I wasn’t able to cry and grieve my dad incase it upset the baby.
I think you feel like this understandably because although you’ve said goodbye, he hasn’t actually gone yet. When he has, you can make your peace with it all. If he is unaware you are there then you should look after yourself and baby, he would understand.

In the sad circumstances wouldn't your dad want you to put your health and that of your baby first? I imagine he'd tell you not to sit at his bedside existing off vending machine fodder and exhausting yourself when he's sedated and doesn't even know you're there. I imagine he would tell you to go home, get some sleep, eat well and look after you, your toddler and your baby.

Sending strength and light.

Thanks so much. Yes, it’s because he hasn’t gone yet..It’s agonising the longer I’m waiting.
But yes I also know this to be true, he would want me to prioritise mine and baby’s health. I just can’t shake off the feeling I should be there and I’m worried some regret will always haunt me. I’ve read that hearing is the last sense to go, so even if not fully conscious, he’d know I was there somehow if I was talking to him.

I said this on another thread a couple of days ago but it might still help you. When my DF was in the same position as yours - on a driver and unresponsive I stayed with him as much as I could but I had responsibilities at home as well - 3 DC of school age and DM who had severe mobility issues and needed care. I had stayed all day on the Sunday and overnight and felt that if he had been able to talk to me he would have said that my responsibility lay with the living so I went home to spend some time with the rest of the family with the intention of going back to the hospital the next morning. Come the next morning and the hospital phoned me to say he'd gone.

I have never felt any guilt because I know I did the right thing for the family and I know that he would have wanted me to be surrounded by the family when he died, not sitting by his body in hospital.

It is a horrible time and I really feel for you but please look after yourself.

It's a horrible time. Realistically though, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Your Mum sounds like a piece of work - is there anyone who could have a word with her? Even if she doesn't get on with your Dad, she could be doing her bit to help you and her grandkids.

Anecdotally, often people die when their visitors leave the room. And tbh you could drive there, heavily pregnant, and discover he's already gone.

I do think the way we deal with deaths like this is horrendous - it'd be kinder if doctors could still speed things along.

Is there anything you can do now before the baby is here that will help ease your mind? Speaking to an undertaker might be helpful in terms of getting things organised. I'd have two lists - stuff that has to be tackled in the short term and things that can wait for a few months until you're settled.

Good luck with the baby, which is the main thing. Your Dad's life is finishing but his or hers is just beginning.

Thank you all so much, it’s helping me put this into perspective. I know he wouldn’t have wanted me to be sitting there for hours and would want me to prioritise myself and baby. I hadn’t actually thought about that but I know it’s true.

@Retireornot I’m sorry to hear you were also in a similar situation. Can I ask, did you manage to have a funeral for your father before your child was born? I’m now struggling with knowing what to do timeframe wise. My Dad could still be here for another week apparently (the nurse told me today even after fluid withdrawal it can be up to 12d!), which is agonising and also makes things difficult timeframe wise..having to get all the certificates etc and then book a funeral. Ideally I’d have wanted it to be before the birth so I can focus on our baby and have a fresh startbut am having to accept it might not be, I can’t control this.

Different circumstances in that Mum passed away at home in her sleep but it took almost two months to be able to put her to rest. So likelihood it will likely be a few weeks at least.
I am so sorry your having to experience this the loss of a parent is the hardest thing.

Yes, my dad died two weeks before I had my baby. I was in hospital by then with pre-eclampsia and was told I couldn’t go to the funeral. Of course I told them that was ridiculous and so they said they would ‘let’ me go as long as I went straight back in the evening. So that’s what I did. By the time I had the baby the funeral was over. But it was a difficult time as you can imagine as he wasn’t here to see his grandchild. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Let yourself feel whatever you need to. PM me if you want to chat.

im so sorry @elfisheyes what a time for you. But I’m certain he would be horrified if you were exhausting yourself when you’re so far along, if you went back he’d probably tell you to get home if he could! He’s being looked after, you’ve said your goodbyes. My mum died about five weeks ago and the last step really felt like nothing at all, she wasn’t alert and I think the last few days of a long eventful life are actually the least important bit.

I wonder if there’s a name connection with him with one of your dc?

It does sound like a tough time to try and hold a funeral. Have you picked a funeral director? For my dad, having had a bad experience with one firm before that, I rang round 3 firms and went with one I could really talk to, and they were great. The directors for my mum were brilliant too. Don’t be afraid to lean hard on them. Ask them for recommendations and tell them you need to make it as easy as possible. An awful lot can be done on the phone these days. I hope it’s as straightforward as it can be. 💐

Thank you all so much. Dad passed away this morning 💔
I feel deep sadness but also relief.
I’ve really taken on board advice to try and simplify things for myself being only 3.5w from the due date now. I’ve picked a funeral director and they seem nice and helpful. It wasn’t the original plan but I’m opting for him to be brought to where I now live (as he is 2h away, where I’m from) to have him cremated here followed by a celebration of his life/a service here in a few months when things have settled more for us with the newborn (hopefully) rather than trying to rush and organise a funeral service now before the birth, because time is so limited and baby could come earlier. It was feeling quite stressful but this feels better.

@elfisheyes sorry to hear this news x sending hugs x hope you can find some peace and rest before your little one arrives x

So sorry for your loss
That sounds like a really sensible plan, focus on you and your little one (please ignore the horrible last post I’ve reported it)

I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad this time last year and if it makes you feel any better, I’d been beside him throughout it all but at the end I had to make the difficult decision that I couldn’t watch him die any longer, it was extremely traumatic for me, and I know he would’ve told me not to stay so you did the right thing

my dad also didn’t want a funeral and we did similar, pure cremation (they were great) and then a celebration of life in June when the weather was better, at his favourite pub xxx

it sounds like you have a good plan, try to take each day as it comes and let whatever you’re feeling be xx

If you were my friend I would drive you there - with toddler. Take them to the park for a bit so you could say your goodbyes and bring you home again. Is there a friend who’d do that for you? It’s not a huge ask - I would happily do it. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Sorry - just seen the update. I’m so sorry about your dad

So sorry for your loss OP. Having lost both my parents - one suddenly and one to cancer I think your idea of a celebration of life after you’ve had some time to recover is a very sensible one. We did exactly that for my dad and my mum told me she wanted just the same which helped no end when she died in her sleep.

Remember your father would want you to remember him with love not guilt at his final few days. The horror of the end will fade and you will think of the lovely times you had. Wishing you all the very best for your new arrival. Doesn’t it just remind you of the circle of life. Sorry for the Lion King reference being a bit cheesy!