She won’t press the buzzer

[Auroragirl]

My mum has just moved to a nursing home home. It’s a very good quality one.
She refuses/can’t comprehend pressing the buzzer for help.
she does have brain issues plus some dementia plus most organs failing.
but I’m very surprised she’s having such difficulties with pressing the buzzer. I’ve labelled the buzzer and put tape on it so it sticks to things but she either can’t find it can’t recognise it or doesn’t understand that pressing it will help solve her problem. Most days/nights I get a call or text mainly incoherent saying I’m tired help me.
I see her daily even though it’s an hour round trip . I had a stroke on 2018 and rarely drive or only ten mins .
I have started doing the trip as there is no public transport to help . I get v tired anyway and my husband is amazing he helps me and mum texts him same incoherent stuff .
she doesn’t respond to usual chit chat messages. Question is how do we get over the buzzer situation .
I’ve asked carers to put her to bed at 9pm or earlier.
she has confabulation so most things she says are made up although she thinks they are true.
its v v sad ( lost my dad in September)
mum didn’t really react
the buzzer is in a nursing home so wired not like home ones which are wireless

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. She’s somewhere she can get 24hr care, the care home can look at other tech like sensors on the chair or bed if falls is a risk

In my experience all ‘new’ things are a real struggle. She’s never used one before. She has memory issues (I presume) and dementia. She is almost incapable of learning new things, at least not at any speed.
How is she still able to call you?
My grandmother could not manage any forms of technology once she was in the nursing home. Anything that hadn’t been around when she was under 20 she had forgotten how to use!

Is she left in her room? If she cannot use her buzzer she needs to be in the lounge.

Have a chat with the nursing home staff. I doubt she will ever be capable of using it, certainly not reliably. I would say that she needs to be on an observation round with someone checking on her regularly. I’d also say that she could either have her phone switched off at night or you switch your phone off/block her calls at night. Your rest is very important to your ongoing recovery. You must be so fatigued after losing your Dad and your mum becoming more frail.

such kind messages they made me cry a bit . Thank you.

I agree with others - it will be the dementia stopping her from "new" things but here's something else to think about.

When my mother was slowly dying she didn't have the strength in her fingers to even press the TV remote buttons, nevermind the help buzzer which is slightly stiffer. Have you watched her try to do it?

What do you do when she calls?
I think id become the squeaky wheel - every message, you phone the care home.
Please put your own health first.

It’s very difficult and something she may not remember or understand. Speak to the care home as there are other things they could try. Even a monitor that can hear her voice when she needs help.

She can’t be in the lounge overnight.

My mum has dementia and will not use the buzzer. Its also not wanting to be a nuisance, we think (initially). We've had to fight quite hard to keep my mum safe, right from the beginning, things we thought would be common sense in a nursing home, as far as safety was concerned. We still have issues that come up now, 3 years later, that we have to jump on and keep on until corrected. We've never been able to take our eye off the ball and this is a nursing home that in most aspects, is very good. The staff are kind and caring. She refuses to go into the lounge, or the dining room, so that is not always a solution. She is checked every hour and has movement sensors on her chairs and beside her bed. She is disabled, but still tries to get up herself. We also insisted recently on the meal table in front of mum's chair having casters that could be locked. I've never felt the relief others talk about, once a parent is in a nursing/care home. We've always had to keep on top on things still. This is not us being over protective, just pragmatic and logical and of course, with love. Other things I've had to let go, but not the safety or medical aspect. Other's of you may have had a very different experiences and I hope you have, but unless you are extremely fortunate, nowhere is perfect and you have to find solutions.

You are doing amazingly well to see your mum every day. Our parents are always going to turn to us first in this situation and we had a lot of calls to begin with and we in turn would call the nursing home. Sometimes it would be to say she hadn't been fed, but we knew that wasn't true! Its a learning process and your mum is very lucky to have you x

You are doing amazingly well to see your mum every day. Our parents are always going to turn to us first in this situation and we had a lot of calls to begin with and we in turn would call the nursing home. Sometimes it would be to say she hadn't been fed, but we knew that wasn't true! Its a learning process and your mum is very lucky to have you x

Well we used to text a lot . But she can’t converse independently any more so her texts are gibberish usually 3 or four letters
that I decifer . She doesn’t know who she’s texting so usually it gets to me but can go to husband nieces etc . No calls . She can’t phone . Thank you for your kindness

I empathise. This is totally my experience of dad’s care and previous mum’s care . We have moved her closer hence new home.
she was having 1:1 at home before this so I had got the carers all trained to mum’s needs.

the one thing that really irritates me is the lack of support with meds . You can’t even suggest a paracetamol without a prescription.
mum has been considerably sick due to anti biotics. We gave in 80 Cyclizine when she arrived 10 days ago to stop the sickness . They will not let her have them .
I’ve asked 4 nurses including head nurse . They just say well 🤷‍♀️. So now she’s not eating again . 🤦‍♀️.

my thoughts and support are with you ❤️ thank you for your reply

Oh this sounds so hard for you.

My mum has had dementia for over 20 years now so just speaking from experience do you think taking away her mobile phone given she doesn’t really seem able to use it might actually reduce anxiety levels for you both?

Auroragirl, I am a nursing home nurse but have also had family in care so have been in your situation.

Legally, we cannot give any medication that is not documented on the medication administration record (MAR chart). That includes paracetamol and any medication that you have handed in. Some homes have a "homely remedies" box for simple painkillers, laxatives, gavisvon etc but not all health boards or nursing home companies will allow us to have one!!

But if Mum has been in the home for 10 days, the staff will have had plenty of time to get her prescriptions confirmed by the GP.

We have many residents who cannot use the buzzers, hence floor beams, pressure mats both on the floor and on the bed/chair. And by law there is a minimum number of comfort visits ( checks to see if sleeping, needing anything) to a resident per night by staff and this is increased if they are very confused/agitated etc.

Can I make a suggestion? And we had to do this with my Mother-in-law ask the staff to put your Mum's phone on charge at night and increase the number of checks that they do. You need to get sleep and in the nicest way possible if she is confused it is not fair on extended family if they are also getting calls in the middle of the night. Allow her time to settle into her new surroundings and give the staff the opportunity to reinforce call bells etc. They will have other options available

It is hard to be the relative of someone in care; but you need to get some rest!!

If you want to ask anything just pm me

Thank you for all your help. Mum passed away on Monday morning.

My condolences

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you are doing ok xx

I'm so sorry. 💐

I’m sorry OP that’s so tough. My mum was in a care home for a while and it is tough. I would say ask the home to reinforce the message about the buzzer. So if there is a time when she usually needs help, ask them to remind her about it just before she usually messages you. I hope that helps you.

So sorry to read this. In my experience it is so complicated when you lose someone to dementia. There is such a mix of loss, exhaustion, relief that you don't have to worry about them and guilt that you feel relief at all. I hope you have people looking after you and you can give yourself time and space to grieve. You absolutely did your best for her and she was lucky to have you looking out for right up to the end, even if she didn't really understand what was happening. Much love to you.

I’m sorry to hear that 💐