Guilt guilt and more guilt

[Onewayticketplease]

I live 30 miles away from DM. I work Monday to Friday, husband on dialysis, lots of contact with grandchildren living locally. My DM was never particularly fond of me, DSis is the acknowledged favourite and lives 10 minutes away from her. I visit once a week as does DSis. Her needs are increasing, She has a cleaner once a week but there are chores which she seems to save up for me. Laundry, bill paying, other sundry housework tasks and expects me to make her a ‘proper’ lunch when i would probably have a sandwich. I am exhausted. I dread the weekends. I wish i could just pop in for a cup of tea and a natter. I have suggested getting some extra help in but she says no. Of course i could just go less but the guilt is awful. She’s a lonely old lady who has dieted herself into crippling osteoporosis. Being thin was very important to her and i was never thin enough, of course i can’t say anything but the resentment is never far away and this doesn’t help. So i am mentally and physically exhausted in my dealings with her. How does anyone navigate this?

I say no and refuse to take on any guilt, it’s liberating.

my mum made her choices and I’m making mine.

You have to stop sliding into doing more. When your Mum says no to help, you have to say but I can't do it Mum. If she refuses then you don't pick up the slack.
You can be loving and there for her but makes it clear that there are limits to what you can do.

I hear you. I don’t think any woman, and I mean woman as men don’t tend to have the same guilt, and their parents don’t expect as much from sons generally, navigates it smoothly.

How is your relationship with your sister? Given she lives closer and presumably doesn’t have a husband on dialysis, could she take on more for the time being? You are juggling an awful lot and I’m sorry your mum isn’t able to recognise this.

She can expect lots of things from you but it doesn’t mean you have to do them. Does she make the same demands from your sister, or as she’s the favourite, she gets away with doing the minimal?

Begin by cutting your visits down to once a fortnight.

You need to get a lot blunter and do more broken record. Which makes it harder in the short term. She can ‘say no’ as much as she likes - SO CAN YOU. You are her daughter, not a washing machine or a paid service.

’Theres a load of laundry to do’
’oh is there? Sounds like you’ll have a busy day. Maybe the cleaner needs to do more hours’
’i thought you would do it’
’sounds like the cleaner needs to do more hours’
’it won’t take a minute’
’watching dc and the grandchildren reminds me how much laundry babies make. Glad I’m out of that stage! Sounds like the cleaner needs to do more hours’
’

She might be eligible for attendance allowance if she struggles with these things, which could then be used to up the cleaners hours. If this is likely or indeed she has enough money to afford it anyway, I would push back hard on anything that can be outsourced to the cleaner such as laundry.

I would focus on doing the things which cannot be outsourced, like paying the bills. You could also make that easier by setting up some direct debits.

Do not do things which a cleaner can do, like laundry or housework. Repeat that she needs more hours from the cleaner. Your mother will only stop saying no if you start saying no.

In terms of a meal, I would either take a ready meal to put in the oven, or cook an extra portion of one of the meals you are having at home and take that round for her. Then you have supplied the meal she has requested but at far less effort.

As you have said, her needs are increasing and this is going to get worse so you have to draw a line in the sand.

@Onewayticketplease join us over at the Cockroach Cafe. Lots of advice support and space to vent with fellow travellers on a road we did not choose.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5474948-cockroach-cafe-spring-in-autumn?page=34&reply=150933231

Have a look at Fear, obligation and guilt. And some great ideas so far from posters.
Do join the cockroach cafe- loads of wisdom, empathy and support.

As @thesandwich suggested this is really useful.

https://outofthefog.website

To mangle an oft quoted phrase on this board - better to feel guilt than feel resentment.

Easy for me to say I know, but you tell her (and your sister) that you are finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with the weekly visits and explain able the reasons why.
Your work is full on, your husband is not in the best of health and you have children and grandchildren that you want to spend some time with. You are not being unreasonable but family situations like this are fraught with problems.
Things are slightly easier for your sister as she can more easily pop in, but you’d be wise to start a conversation with her about how she thinks mums needs can be met in the future as you are worried that she will end up being continually at mum’s beck and call if you don’t visit every week. She may not mind this at the moment but it’s surely better to have the issue out in the open now
I’m sure that most of us would say that we don’t expect/want our children to look after us in our old age and that their own lives should take priority over ours, but I wonder whether we will feel the same way in our later years

Actually there is a small positive as she has a cleaner already. Most old folk are completely against strangers aka paid help in the house. The fact that she’s not is something that can be worked with.

I'd nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

Don't jade, justify reason explain too much. Just stop

I have a rule about not doing what can be outsourced (other than taking mum to the supermarket once a fortnight because it's easier than having the same conversation on a 5-10 minute loop). If I started there would be no reason to get the help needed and I live an hour away and I'd be stuck.

@Onewayticketplease I did exactly the same as @countrygirl99. I talked to dm about doing housework or taking her out. She was very old and had given up her car. She chose going out and getting help for her home. She was very self sufficient for many years but I did not want to see visits as work. I was 45 mins away.

Just do what you can its not easy op. I call saturdays. Its endless negativity. Im not willing to do more. My friend her mam has her run ragged. God op its draining. What age is she. Mine is 80s

She can expect lots of things from you but it doesn’t mean you have to do them.

This, a million times over. You may have to go against a lifetime of training and conditioning to put yourself first, at least some of the time, but it’s what you have to do.

which tasks are you willing / able to do? What does your sister do? Do you have the kind of relationship where you can buddy up with your sister and decide things between you? irrespective, you still get to choose, for you.

Try to deal with the resentment, because holding onto that kind of feeling is corrosive and not helpful to you in your own life. My DH is having therapy to help him deal with a similar situation. He finds it very hard to get past what ‘they’ (mostly management at work) have ‘done’ to him and he carries a big load of negative, angry resentment around. The only person it hurts though is himself. Walking away is a choice: so is choosing to forgive. People are only human, and they make mistakes - even your mum.