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Elderly parents

Needy and Anxious Mother

12 replies

Loubyanna1969 · 04/03/2026 09:09

My father died 5 and a half years ago. My father did everything for my mother. My mother lives on her nerves (always has done), so losing my father has exacerbated this loads.
My mother now relies on me for everything. My sister lives abroad. Mother doesn’t drive and won’t leave the house unless it’s with me. I’m exhausted. I work 4 days a week, I dropped a Wednesday to take mother shopping as she was having such an impact on my weekends but she still expects me to take her out on the weekend. In the 5 years that my dad has gone, life has changed a lot, I’ve now got three grandchildren who I adore, but that also takes up some of my time. I feel like I’m being pulled in all directions and am about to snap. My mother’s anxiety is through the roof and she rings me multiple times a day telling me she’s having a panic attack. I’ve been to the GP with her and she’s been referred to a mental health team. I worry about my own health, as I constantly feel resentment and anger every minute of the day, and my heart sinks when I see her calling me.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you x

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IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 04/03/2026 09:24

I have been in a very similar situation with my own mum. She had severe mobility issues because of osteoarthritis and my DF would do everything for her. Every single morning of their married life she had breakfast in bed. When he died in 2012 I willingly took on his role of caring for her - we were both devastated and I wanted to do all I could to help. They lived in an annex in our garden so it wasn't like I had to cross town or go anywhere to get to her. Bit by bit she got more and more dependant. Like your DM she would not leave the house without me although she eventually agreed to let my DD take her out if I was away.

I could write pages about how difficult life was with her - even now 18 months after she died I wake up panicking because I have dreamt that she somehow managed to convince the care home she was well enough to be discharged! She moved to a care home in 2021 when a perfect storm of her developing dementia and lack of mobility was finally recognised by medics.

The best advice I would give you would be to join the Cockroach Cafe thread here. I know posters change over the years but the people there kept me sane and supported me in ways that I had no idea I needed.

Lottapianos · 04/03/2026 09:34

Loads of sympathy - my MIL was similar after FIL died. We live 6 hours away so there was simply no way we could be around to help day to day. We arranged for someone from a care agency to visit 3 times a week - they did housework, shopping, very simple fixings and mending.

To be honest, nothing we did would have been 'enough' for MIL. I can relate to the resentment you're feeling. Resentment is a sign that you're doing too much, giving more than you feel is reasonable, and you need to put some boundaries in. I know that's easier said than done, believe me. I would start with the phonecalls - decide what you feel is reasonable and then tell her 'mum, I'm going to ring you on a Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday (or whatever) to check in on you. I might not be able to answer the phone at other times '. And then follow through - don't pick up when she rings you many times a day. Ask her to text you instead, if she can

I honestly do know that none of this is easy, but the two of you sound very enmeshed and she's far too reliant on you. Therapy also helped me hugely in managing my relationship with my own co dependent parents. Good luck, but please take care of yourself

Freya1542 · 04/03/2026 10:28

Give yourself permission to step back @Loubyanna1969

Find your way forward on your already busy family-life schedule, without being totally at your Mum's beck and call.

How would that look, for you, in an ideal world?

raspberets · 04/03/2026 10:30

Can you point her in the direction of online shopping? That would take a load off and leave you free to do something nice with her ie, a walk.

HoraceGoesBonkers · 04/03/2026 18:35

What is it she wants you to do when she's having a panic attack? I suspect there is not much you can actually do. I'd look up some strategies for dealing with them and show her and then stick to not always taking her call.

I think some sort of home care would be a good shout as a PP mentioned. Otherwise I'd try to get her to find coping strategies that aren't you.

Also, did the GP give her any meds to cope in the meantime? Some people use Rescue Remedy and other homeopathic treatments. I'm not a big fan of homeopathy personally, but if you take her to a reputable shop, get someone to talk her through the options, and she picks whatever she prefers, then it means you've given her a way forward that's not calling you constantly while she waits for the referral to come through (I think some react badly with normal meds but you should be able to get advice).

There's also counselling via video calls or on the phone. If she's religious then various groups make services available online too. The big barrier might be getting her able to log in.

Also, would she do exercises at home? That'd help fill her time and hopefully make her feel more positive.

If she's refusing all reasonable suggestions then she's choosing to live like this, and you also have a choice.

Definitely make yourself unavailable on weekends.

Can other family members check in with her?

I think most people can stretch themselves on a temporary basis but if it goes on it does get harder, also if there's some sort of crisis (hopefully not) that takes away your time from her then things will crash very quickly... sometimes it does take a crisis to change things but you don't want it to be your own health.

Loubyanna1969 · 05/03/2026 09:19

Thank you for taking the time to reply @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, I will look for that thread you mentioned. It is comforting to know I am not alone. 😘

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Loubyanna1969 · 05/03/2026 09:25

Thank you for your reply @Lottapianos yes, I think I will start doing that with the phone calls. 😘

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Loubyanna1969 · 05/03/2026 09:26

Thank you for your reply @Freya1542 Yes, I do need to learn how to do this 😘

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Loubyanna1969 · 05/03/2026 09:28

Thank you for your reply @raspberets but unfortunately my mother is not IT savvy - no mobile or laptop - she can't even use the TV remote properly 🙄

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Loubyanna1969 · 05/03/2026 09:39

Thank you for replying @HoraceGoesBonkers It's my first time on here and I am blown away by everyone's kindness 😍
When my mother calls me when she's having a panic attack (I use the term loosely as I am yet to actually see her having one, and also don't think she would be able to dial my number and speak if she was having one?), she says that she "had to ring me as I'm all she's got". I battle with shall I/shan't I take the call as I then visualise that she's fallen or something....Having said that, I have ignored her call before now and she then calls my husband or daughter.
Mum is on a concoction of meds including diazapam (has been for most of her adult life). She is also waiting to hear from a mental health team for counselling.
The only other family members around are my daughter and son. My son lives very close to her and does call in. Unfortunately, I offload A LOT to my daughter but this has had a detrimental effect because she is very angry with my mother as she can see the effect it's having on me on a daily basis. I have also had counselling. I do need to be tougher on the weekend - thank you again 😘

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Musicaltheatremum · 05/03/2026 18:00

Loubyanna1969 · 05/03/2026 09:28

Thank you for your reply @raspberets but unfortunately my mother is not IT savvy - no mobile or laptop - she can't even use the TV remote properly 🙄

I do the online shop for my dad. He sends me a list. I have his usual things on a spreadsheet that he goes through every week. I order it online and it gets delivered to his house. It would save one thing.

Loubyanna1969 · 06/03/2026 09:36

Thank you @Musicaltheatremum x

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