Coping with elderly parents and young children

[Sleepy21]

Looking for tips/coping strategies on how to navigate the challenge of having elderly parents and young dependant children. My parents are 78 and 82 - dad has ill health but absolutely no cognitive decline, my mum is in perfect health but is showing cognitive decline and we are awaiting a dementia diagnosis. I currently look after my dad’s money and medical appts etc, and soon will have to do this for mum. I have financial LPA for both. No siblings. I also have a 6 year old and a full time job. I just feel overwhelmed with the responsibility and demand of both - there aren’t enough hours in the day to take care of everything. I feel like I to have boundaries as I can’t allow my son and his childhood to be entirely negatively affected by this. But then comes the guilt of not doing enough for my parents. Any thoughts, tips and advice welcome! Thank you for reading x

You can only do so much. Get help in for your parents as soon as you can so all the pressure ia not on just you. Don't be afraid to say no i can't do this and step back to preserve your mental and physical health x

After years of getting torn in two and feeling very guilty all the time I now leave my remaining parent to themselves and focus on my children and job. It’s the job that keeps the children housed.
I still ring parent weekly and see them a few times per year but I’m not in a position to get much more involved. Definitely not taking to appointments etc as I’m too far away, although I don’t mind managing money (I have POA).

I grew up in a similar scenario but with the elderly parent living with us and still resent how much of my childhood was lost because of their needs.

To add, it’s considerably easier if they’re in a care home as you’re then not having to run an additional household and the home takes care of all the medical appointments, prescriptions etc as well as not having to worry about house maintenance, cleaning, laundry, shopping and food prep.

Am in similar position, and am sure there was a thread on here about being only children and caring.

Honestly after 3 years of one parent, and a year of another (plus in laws rapidly declining) I can't sugar coat it for you (nor do I think it would do you any favours in the long run), even with the best relationship in the world with your parents it is impossible to be both a good parent and a good daughter. Stick a full time job into the mix and it is a recipe for burnout.

Make your peace now with the fact you need to get help in and step back. Do what is easy to do around other commitments. As @EmotionalBlackmail said managing finances isn't too bad as you can do this at a distance and set up access online (in the main), but appointments, personal care and support for daily tasks of living while working full time with your little one is too much and you need to explore personal assistants, cleaners, carers etc. We are just about to explore home help for my In laws as I can't take any more stress of another set of parents.

If your parents won't accept it then you have to let it go - as hard as that is. Your DS needs you more. And please don't feel guilty about making that choice - many of us already have and can support you.

It does get easier when they are in a care home, but that sounds like it might be a way off.

You buy in the help for your parents, step back from them and prioritise your children. Thats what we save for all our lives isn’t it?. Any decent elder would insist on this anyway. What were your parents’ plans for coping as they aged?

Prioritise your DC.

It is really tricky, but things that would have made it less bad for my family would have been if my DP had had a plan in place for aging (preferred care home, home adaptations, finances etc were all left as last minute and crisis driven as it was possible to be) and also, which wasn't quite as bad, outsourcing as much as possible to home carers, cleaners, gardeners etc.

Housing is likely to be the big thing that you'll deal with at some point, for one or both of them.

If they've got savings for a rainy day then this is the rainy day.

If they won't do anything to help themselves then, again, DC have priority. And also make sure you don't start getting ill yourself, which is part of protecting your DC too.

Thank you so much to you all for your comments and advice - I really needed to hear it. Even though they are not quite at the stage of home help and/or requiring a home, they are becoming increasingly needy in a variety of ways which has made me feel torn in all directions and guilty! I feel like my parents have planned well financially for the future, but not planned well in other ways - it’s like they want to bury their heads in the sand about getting old and whenever I try to have a conversation about anything of that nature it ends in a row. I had such a battle with them getting POA sorted! And ironically my Gran had dementia, and my mum had the most stressful 10 years dealing with it, and ran herself into the ground so I honestly, and maybe naïvely, thought she would have wanted things in place so I wouldn’t have to go through the same You have all reassured me that my son must be my boundary and I shouldn’t feel guilty about that, nor should I run myself into the ground because then I am no use to anyone! I know I am just at the start of what is likely to be quite a long and difficult journey, and I am sure those guilt feelings will creep back in, but I’m so glad I have found a forum that I can offload to and get advice and support xx

I could have written this myself OP. When I started caring for multiple elderlies my DD was 5. As everyone has said the boundary has to be your son.

Unfortunately it may get to a stage where they will need you 24/7 and you cannot do that, it’ll break you let alone the impact on your son. So best to put your plans and boundaries in now - I wish I had.

Also people do seem to go through it all themselves and then not plan to make it easier - well done for getting POA sorted. Not joking it took me two years to get it over the line with my parents.

Aside from the excellent advice you’ve received - also be aware of anticipatory grief and you processing your own feelings about the situation. As well as your son being aware of what is going on and also having his own emotions about his grandparents. My DD seemed quite oblivious but then suddenly seemed to realise what my Mum being so ill meant at 10. Do you have a partner? I have been able to be quite honest with my DH but he’s very kind so doesn’t really step in and go ‘stop this is ridiculous’ which would have been helpful sometimes as I think not having anyone to sense check with no siblings is not easy. But then again when my MIL was poorly his siblings did nothing which I found much harder than coping with it all myself so it’s swings and roundabouts.

It’s good you’re thinking about yourself - I often try and think what I want for my daughter when she is my age and I would want her enjoying life as much as possible. I think my Mum would have wanted that for me too but is now ill and scared so it doesn’t come out as that now, but it’s worth holding on to.

Can I advise if you haven’t already also applying for LPA for Health and Welfare too? You said you already have Property and Financial one but this is of absolutely no use when having a say on serious medical decisions or care home placements if they need support with that.
Also, if you can’t manage it all, be very firm with what you are happy to manage and what bits you won’t be doing, both with them and social services.
I work for adult social care and we see it all too often where people will run themselves into the ground for their family but won’t accept external help but then burnout very quickly and it creates a crisis.

Yes, I have a partner - he is very supportive and good with my parents but sounds like your DH - very kind but not the type to step in and say ‘enough’, he would just keep doing all he could to help and I agree sometimes you need someone to tell you. And thanks for pointing out to be aware about my own feeling in the situation - I’ve been thinking about everything else but but not how this all might make me feel down the line x

Thank you so much for pointing this out - no, I only have finance POA. After reading your message, I have started the process of getting the health and welfare POA sorted. My parents amazingly agreed, I was prepared for a battle and so far so good - hoping this one will be easier than the finance POA which was a struggle to get sorted with them! x

Health & Welfare POA only kicks in if they are deemed not to have capacity, which has a very low bar, but it’s good to have it in place.

I would focus on at least getting a cleaner in place. If you get a really good one, they can gradually do things like checking dates of food in fridge and it’s definitely an idea to get them used to having someone else in the house. My hard line - after a while - was that I wouldn’t do anything that was easy to outsource and cleaning is definitely one of those things, gardening is another.

I was/am in a similar position. I’ve had to put boundaries in and to be honest, survival instinct kicks in and stuff that I would’ve thought would distress me terribly if you’d told me about it years ago, now bounces off me. And the siblings bit… totally overrated. One thing worse than having no support is having someone who could support but chooses not to or makes poor decisions creating even more work. As others have said, see if you can start to buy in care; claiming attendance allowance can be a good trigger. And the bottom line is this; there are many people who have no one to help them so don’t feel you need to do everything. You can call
adult social services if all
else fails. Put the number in your phone.