Navigating my complicated relationship with my mum as she gets older.

[Fivepencepeace]

I hope others can advise and relate here. I've no one to discuss this with in real life as everyone else I know has nice "normal" parents and healthy childhoods. Lucky things!

My childhood: my dad was an alcoholic paedophile and my mum was an emotionally immature parent with a domineering mother of her own. My dad left during my childhood but we still had regular contact. I never felt safe or relaxed as a child. Neither of them were someone I could trust or rely on. 😔

My mum tends to rewrite history so she looks better. She is very needy. Everything is hard .... for her. Main character energy. Still very emotionally immature. Manipulates people into helping her. Very dysfunctional in terms of finances and housework/DIY which she likes to constantly moan about but won't take any suggestions on board.

I tend to be low contact with her. I know other relatives probably judge but I don't care. I keep good boundaries. I ignore the constant hints and attempts to manipulate. Anytime I do spend time with her or give an inch I find myself exhausted, resentful and anxious.

I'm a mixture of avoidant and non-comittal I think - I had to distance myself emotionally a long time ago for my own mental health.

Trouble is she is getting older. 😔 Losing mobility, may need a big operation in future where she might need care at home after, etc.

I honestly don't know how to navigate it! I keep having actual nightmares of being put on the spot by her or others asking for things I cannot or will not say yes to and I wake up panicking. 😢

Has anyone else been in the situation?

You don't have to do the physical caring/ work yourself even if you have sole responsibility. You could be the one organising it via phone. That would give you some distance but reassurance you've done what you can.

Have an idea of the degree of care you want to offer. None is fine. But have a clear idea in your own head. Then start practicing saying "that's not something I'm able to do" to anyone that makes a suggestion or demand of you that goes beyond what your willing to do.
It's short and direct phrase which places any perceived blame for your lack of helping/servitude outside of yourself. Never explain yourself. It lets people think they can debate with you.

I helped a similar elderly relative claim attendance allowance to use towards help. You might also find the out of the fog website useful for yourself OP

No advice really but I am going something similar, my mum was an alcoholic, very manipulative etc etc, she now has terminal cancer, I am of course devastated but still find it difficult being around her all of the time then feel extremely guilty. I am really struggling with the competing feelings

Thank you I will take a look at that website.

I'm sorry to others going through the same sort of situation. It's such an emotional whirlpool isn't it.

I like the idea of having some stock phrases as replies for if I get put on the spot. Trouble is know people will want to know WHY I can't or won't do certain things to help. People just don't get it unless the have the same sort of parent&child dynamic.

‘It’s a long story’ is one which does a lot of heavy lifting in my life. Which has the additional benefit of allowing you to change the subject.

Nobody really has any intrinsic right to know WHY you are making a decision (assuming you’re not married to them). From a practical point of view, they don’t need to know either. They just need to know it’s not going to be you ‘popping in’ to help (ie taking on professional care 24/7 or whatever they think you should do).

If this is disturbing your sleep before it even happens maybe it’s time for another round of therapy?

Which people?

Medical or social service professionals aren't entitled to your reasons or your life history. It's not relevant to them. They just need a straightforward and extremely firm "no" from you to kick their gears into motion. Don't explain or justify anything to them.

Or are you worried about your family members or your DMs friends' opinions? In which case don't. If they don't know what went on, then they're not close to you, so who cares what they think. If they have a problem, why aren't they doing more themselves?

If anyone asks you why, shut it down. "Family's are complicated aren't they, I'm sure you understand I don't want to explain" and hold eye contact until they're uncomfortable and move on

Similar situation here op. I'm so sorry it's so draining. I have been the "parent" in the relationship with my mother for as long as I can remember. She has always been in victim mode.Alcoholic too.
I've tried to stay low contact on a information diet all these years. She isn't actually that interested in me at all thankfully (i have other family that cover that narcissistic made up rumour mill part unfortunately)but has high expectations of me being her carer for life. It suits the whole family if I do the job none of them want to do despite them being the "golden children." I did that role for a little while out of guilt and trying to be a "good daughter".My mum was nasty to me and a different person everyday when nurses etc where coming in. It really opened my eyes to how much she lies and manipulates. She is relatively young and when she actually takes her medication looks after herself she is fit and well. She will occasionally stop taking medication and go on binge drinking sessions which then lands her needing medical help. I don't want to be in this caring role for her anymore so I'm stepping right back. She also needs at some point a pretty serious operation although it's been over 10 years of her saying that so I'm no longer willing to let that loom over me. There is professional help and care available she won't be on her own. I will remind myself of the times I have been in hopsital and she has refused to help in anyway or even check in with me.

I agree with a pp in not really debating with them why you can't do xyz. Because they will likely try the same techniques of guilt and manipulation. Instead having stock phrases to repeat over and over. Always batting bat requests to them. If they are so concerned then they can do xyz .

I'm going to keep a note on my phone of stock phrases. I get a lot of anxiety about being put on the spot especially by those assuming my mum is like theirs. (A normal parental loving caring supportive relationship) its not easy to say oh no I have got the type of mum who would set me alight to keep herself warm.
I hate feeling like a bad daughter or bad person.

I wouldn't continue with a relationship with a romantic partner or friend if they treated me like this so I don't see why I should just because it's a parent despite what society says.

Feel for you OP , if it were me I’d invest in some very good therapy x

Thank you all. I have had a long run of therapy in the past that was really helpful and it mostly covered my dad's abuse but did also touch on my mum, and our relationship. Maybe I should look into some more. I struggle to sleep anyway and mull everything over at night so I don't see it as massively unusual behaviour for me but yep it's not great.

The people who would be asking. Well her manipulative and childlike personality means she already has two relatives older than her running around after her on a regular basis! I think they would probably judge me. They may also ask why, but I don't see them all that often. My siblings would completely understand and wouldn't ask why. One is a similar dynamic to me with our mum and one is pretty much zero contact.