First signs of something? Any advice?

[Likeaburstcouch]

Not sure how to word this. Not sure if I'm overestimating or even underestimating my mum's situation. Her mum, my grandmother, had a very sudden decline and lived for years in a nursing home, unable to move or communicate. I was only young but apparently there was never a diagnosis of dementia, I think they just called it "brain disease". This is such a painful memory, I'm so scared its the way my mum is going, and I know she is too.
My mum is 68, i see her a few times a week, she retired aboit 12 months ago. Her mood and memory really seem to have got worse. She's always had a temper but it seems more frequent. I've had to ask her not to snap at my stepdad so frequently. Increasingly often she tells me the same thing on consecutive days. She has always had a bugbear about people parking on the pavement, but now she gets so angry about it to the point of often confronting them.
Lifestyle-wise she does all the right things, healthy eating, rarely drinking alcohol, exercise a few times a week, bit of voluntary work. She also looks after my children for a couple of hours up to 3 times a week which she enjoys and I'm very grateful for and I think does her good too.
So my 2 questions are

1. if you have or had a parent with dementia, is there anything you wish you had done earlier? Although I know at this stage that we don't know if this is dementia
2. are there any books i can read? I feel like part of the sadness around this is my mindset shift to cope with her ageing.

It’s impossible to say. It could be many things. Is her marriage a happy one? Maybe since retiring, she’s found it difficult being at home more with your stepdad. Do they enjoy doing things together or are they likely to want their own space? Maybe she misses the routine of work. She could be depressed. Any number of things can make someone short-tempered. People do tend to have memory lapses as they age, without it neccesarily being dementia related. She could have a vitamin/mineral deficiency, a low-level uti, be worried or anxious about something. All might have an effect on cognition and mood. Although of course the things you mention might be early signs, it’s a bit of a leap to jump straight to dementia. Why not get her to have a health check first and try and have a conversation about whether there’s anything she’s unhappy about?

@maudelovesharold thank you so much for your kind reply. Yes it could be any of those things, I've been worried about their relationship for a while. I worry that she doesnt eat and drink enough so that could cause all of this too. I will try to find a diplomatic way to get her to have a health check. In the meantime I am just trying to do fun things with her.

@Likeaburstcouch Increasingly often she tells me the same thing on consecutive days. She has always had a bugbear about people parking on the pavement, but now she gets so angry about it to the point of often confronting them.

These things may well be due to stressors or a low-grade infection, but you know her well and you're sensing something different. And there is a family history. Worth checking out.

Alert the GP before the health check. They'll do a brief screen and take it from there.

Hope this resolves easily for you, OP.

Thank you. I'm not sure if/how I'm going to suggest the health check but will look out for an opportunity

If it is early signs of dementia, people show different signs at different stages, so it's hard to tell.
My own mum became quite paranoid over certain things, which gradually got worse, it took several years though.

FWIW I am a similar age with similar memory and mood issues and have just had a brain scan which shows no sign of dementia. All kinds of things can cause the symptoms including poor sleep. I hope she's OK.

There's a lot of possibilities. My mum was older, hers started like this and ramped up massively to absolute hatred of my DF. Signs we 'missed' aggressive comments to other people when she'd always been very tolerant (think calling young girls in short skirts vile names)
Suddenly obsessed with foreign leaders and they were the 'cause' of everything going wrong.
Rapid decline in remembering to take medication
Rapid decline in driving ability (multiple scratches appearing on the car when she'd never previously had an accident)

Then, a year later, making threats to my dad, telling my sisters and I on the phone that she was 'going to kill the bastard' and laughing manically when he was hospitalised with pneumonia. My dad had been physically disabled for 50 years at this point, she suddenly declared she hated him and she wasn't looking after him anymore because he was a (insert expletive) I was a 'whore' my sisters were other awful things, she disappeared before our eyes.

Eventually the GP and social services couldn't ignore it as she also started walking out of the house at all times of day or night, approaching strangers and stating very loud opinions on their race,gender etc, whilst also continually stating she wanted to 'run a knife' through my dad and she was transferred to a dementia care home (but as I say she was 81) this has stabilised her medication and the behaviours, though she can still say awful things without warning.

A general health check is good advice as she may have a urine infection or such like. It's not always dementia, check the medication she has to take and whether she's just generally not enjoying life x

Drop off a sample to test for a UTI.

My darling mother started with memory loss about 3 years ago.
I wrote to her GP and asked if he would bring it up or observe it at her next visit.
She was diagnosed with parkinsons and all the issues that go with it.
Don't ignore it

I saw dementia coming on with my neighbour years ago📧

Obsession with bins, drains and rubbish
Inability to follow a conversation
Kept repeating things
Unable to follow simple instructions
Impatience - everything needed to be done now
Forgetting how to do everyday jobs (like hanging washing on the line)
Wandering around in inappropriate clothing

I’m a bit worried that you felt you had to get involved with her behaviour to her partner. How is he doing? Are you close?

It sounds as if you could tell her you’re worried about her and would like her to be seen by her GP. Could you go with her? I used phrases like ‘I don’t think your memory is as good as it was Mum and you do seem to get angrier sooner’