DM and bladder control issues

[Kit24]

My DM is 65 and has been having problems controlling her bladder. It started a couple of years ago where she would have small accidents/ leaks and has now worsened. She’s very embarrassed about it and won’t tell anyone else in the family but me, not even my dad. I’ve urged her to go to the GP and explained that it’s a common issue, especially among women who have had children and are getting older, but she won’t make an appointment.

I’ve bought her discreet Tena pads to wear out but she won’t use them. It’s now at the point where she is wetting herself when she goes out and has to change when she gets home. She is washing herself and her clothes so it’s not a hygiene issue but she won’t speak to anyone who could help. She recently went for a shingles vaccine and over 60s health check up. She told me she’d mention it to the nurse but when I asked, she said she had ‘forgotten’.

I’m worried about her because she told me on the phone she’d had a bad accident and wet herself so badly she had to change her slippers as they had urine on them. Does anyone have any advice or know if something can be done?

Your poor mum. Could age concern offer any help with suggestions,? Would she be open to talking to a district nurse or health care provider?

Could you try and gently find out why she won't use the pads?

Reassure her it's exactly like using period products. They have so many adverts and stuff about continence products now you'd hope it would be less taboo. Not that she needs to tell anyone. But you can guarantee half her friends at least probably have similar issues.

Using the pads is so much less uncomfortable or embarrassing than actually wetting yourself into knickers surely? I hope you can help her get used to using it. And that there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about needing them.

They are bulky to buy in a shop and maybe it would be good for you to order a bunch to be delivered to her house? Once she's found ones she's comfortable with obviously.

65 is young for this. My experience is with my much older mother in law who was also very sensitive and embarrassed about it. I emailed the GP ahead of an appointment she had and he then made her a referral to the local continence service, who were absolutely lovely. In her case it was some advice and guidance re lifestyle and a supply of continence pants, but I suspect in your mum's case they would try to work with her to resolve things.
As your mum is much younger, if you do manage to get her to see a GP they'll most likely test for infections and maybe make referral to urology instead for investigation. In my experience, everyone involved is kind and discreet and used to dealing with this.
I hope you can persuade her to seek some help xx

Thanks for your advice so far.

I already bought the pads for her but found them unopened, hidden down by the side of the sofa. She doesn’t have any friends and has always been quite isolated. I feel so sorry for her because it’s clear she’s struggling with this. I think she doesn’t want to wear the pads because it acknowledges there is a problem.

I was thinking of filling out an e consult (with her permission) through the GP website. Or booking a telephone appointment with a female GP.

I have concerns about her memory too as she forgets words sometimes and gets muddled up. I thought it was because she stopped her volunteer job and was spending more time at home watching tv but now I’m not sure it’s just that. She isn’t as chatty with me as she used to be. We used to text and talk on the phone a lot but now she can be quite short with me and keen to get off the phone so she can watch tv. Text replies are often one word answers. It makes me really sad because I worry something else is going on. She is a carer for my disabled sibling so it’s very hard.

What’s her issue with wearing incontinence products? I was wearing them in my 30’s (post birth injury that was never going to be rectified). Would wear incontinence pads as standard but if in a situation at work where I could not rush off to change, or on a plane etc, I’d go the whole shebang and wear the full incontinence pull up pants. Very convenient, and just like babies nappies these days, draws the moisture away completely, traps smell. I’m now a few decades in to wearing these products as standard, and struggling to see your MIL issue with them?

This. Has she said why she won't wear them it is quite a normal thing nowadays with people with incontinence problems to wear them.
I did think that when you put this in elderly she was a round late 70s or 80s not mid 60s.
My DM did she also had bed pad protectors to protect the mattress and she also used them when sitting on a chair. You should encourage her to see the Dr it could be something simple to solve but also mention about the memory problems could she be being forgetful then it being too late to go.

The cognitive impairment that sounds present is likely part of this. I found tena pants, in black, worked, but suggest you talk to her gp about a cognitive assessment and possibly refer to social care (who presumably are already involved with your sibling)

I don’t know why she won’t wear them. It’s either forgetfulness or because she feels like she might not need them (as the urgency usually happens unexpectedly and then she’s caught short). I will try to raise it with her next time I see her.

She's not even elderly, she's the same age as me. This is only going to get worse though so she needs to wear something otherwise she'll end up with the whole house smelling of wee. Can you find her some of the incontinence wear that is pretty much like knickers and ask her just to try them? Presumably she's having problems with coming to terms with her body giving up on her which is making her feel self conscious, but she can't be comfortable, and before long she'll stop going out at all in case she has an 'accident'.
And would it be any good getting your dad on board?

Tell her she can do an online consult with most pharmacies and ask for solifenacin for over active/sensitive bladders - great for urge incontinence and leaking. Doesnt wven need to see her GP. Had issues with my bladder since my teens and it worsened to unbearable levels after childbirth.

I was distraught at having to wear tenapads/pants and convinced I smelled of pee. Destroyed intimacy with DH and self confidence. One month on this and I don't even have to wear a pantyliner. Changed my life after decades of misery. £34 for a 3m supply.

I still need to pelvic floor exercises as I won’t be trampolining any time soon, but that’s a minor issue now.

I’m only 64 but I had an issue with this for quite a few years shortly after menopause and then all of a sudden I lost weight , upped my vitamins and it stopped - it was as if my brain wasn’t communicating that I needed to go but then did need to go ‘instantly’ - I really have no idea what the underlying reason was as I didn’t see the doctor as stupidly was too embarrassed - but I think certainly for me it was something underlying and not actually just ‘age’

The incontinence pads are treating the symptoms, not the cause.

I am not a doctor and am more than a decade younger, but have recently been diagnosed with a minor prolapse - this is so common in women over 50, with an estimate 50% having some degree of prolapse. I was referred to a specialist pelvic physio who examined me and gave me exercises to do. She also recommended the NHS Squeezy app which is very good.

However from what you say your mother's issues are progressing and it might be past the stage of pelvic floor exercises to sort things out. And she doesn't even have a diagnosis.

This is not normal and should be treated as any other medical condition. The normalising of "having a tena moment" is so damaging - women should not be wetting themselves and it is not normal!

So you lay it out for her - she has a choice here. Either live the next potentially 30 years confined to the house, progressively becoming more reclusive and urine-soaked. Or she sees the fecking GP. Also raise the cognitive issues.

Vaginal oestrogen cream to treat genito urinary symptoms

Definitely second this….it’s a game changer

She needs to get topical oestrogen or pessaries and do kegels 3 times a day

I saw a specialist physio who checked out my fanjo and told me what I needed to do

I got the medication from the GP

Regards her memory.....she could see the GP or try to help herself by triggering her synapses with hand exercises , suduko etc

Shes only 65. She is young. She deserves to give herself the chance to live happily and healthily

@Kit24 , just a thought. Does your mum use HRT? In particular vaginal cream or pessaries because use of this reduces the incidence of UTIs which could be responsible for her continence issues.

Agree estrogen cream is amazing.

But she needs a proper diagnosis and to be told firmly that there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

So many great suggestions, thank you. Hopefully some of these things can help her.

She isn’t on HRT and she doesn’t take any vitamins either. It’s right that she should live a healthy happy life. Recently she has been quite reclusive, staying in a lot. I will try and get her to the pharmacy or GP and take her out for walks. She likes walking with me.

The other advice she might need is how to dispose of used pads, it's not always straight forward. Especially if she doesn't want other people at home to know.

The memory problem is very likely to be the root of her stubbornness about her incontinence. She's probably aware of it and scared. Facing the inconvenience wouldn't be too hard for most of us, facing potential early cognitive decline is much harder, so it's easier to pretend nothing is wrong, and avoid seeing a doctor who might notice it.

The solution will depend on the actual
cause but there are lots of things that can and should be done here.

Womens physios, gynaecologies and urologists spend all day talking about this sort problem and offering effective solutions.

It is not something to be embarrassed about there are a range of tablets, hormone creams, exercises, muscle stimulating devices and lifestyle advice eg avoiding caffieine plus the inco products she doesn’t want to use.

I do wonder if this was my issue - 3 kids and 3 other pregnancies that didn’t end in a baby . If it was mine seems to have improved a lot strangely when I lost weight

This happens a lot ….lots more issues when you carry weight

I’m still 12 stone 12 and only 5ft 4 , but when I was getting it a lot I was probably closer to 15 stone - my hip ache at bed time also vanished -

That’s 3 stone less strain on your body…it’s massive
well done by the way…losing weight is not easy