Helping mum but she treats me like dirt

[fedddupp]

I am in an impossible situation and just want to vent really. I have been living happily in another country to be as far away as possible from my Narc mum. Any contact with her over the years was always ending badly, with me fleeing and not talking to her for a while.

She is now 89 and is relatively strong. A few weeks back she checked into a hospital for a planned observation but got respiratory infection there and was discharged in a poor state.

I had no choice really but to book a flight and be with her, nursing her to health. It was unpleasant from the start but now that she is out of danger she reverted to her old tricks of talking to me curtly, silent treatments, rude demands. nothing new.

I am currently sorting out her care, so that she can remain at home with some extra help. Plus arranging a doctor supervision. It all takes time and meanwhile she takes me completely for granted, not once asking how I am, how my family is doing without me. I had to change my return ticket and ask for unpaid leave from work to do all this. I spent huge sums already. She loftily hinted that she might reimburse me but I’d rather she treated me like a daughter and not like a slave.

in short, I am stressed, tired and anxious all the time, not sure where the next scandal or barbed comment will come from.

As soon as everything is in place I plan to return home and basically just want to forget her and to never see her again.

But I tried in the past and was still worrying how she is. Blood is thicker than water but she is a truly vile, unpleasant person- not just to me but to everyone else around her.

What I am to do (I am an only child, there is no one else really whom I can as to step in)?

@DPotter is right OP.

Also, I wouldn’t bother trying to reason or remonstrate with your mother. It’s too late, she won’t alter. Just disengage.

Have a safe flight.

Set your leaving date and go. If she struggles with care then she’ll need to pay for carers and it’s not your problem. I’d think twice about rushing back for the next emergency; don’t put your own life on hold or risk your happiness, home and job.

She lives in another country and things are a bit different here.

Which country is she in?

@DPotterthank you, that’s a stellar advice. I will take it onboard.

Yes have your boundaries. With my mother everything was "urgent"

Blimey - you sound like me!

@DPotteryou are absolutely right!

OP I feel your pain. I also envy you being able to escape back to another country. I am around 10 mins from my M, and resent every second I have to spend with her as she ages. She's not a narcissist, but I simply don't get on with her. She sighs and raises her eyes when I make an odd quip or whatever, and acts with a similar sense of entitlement. Lost my DF a short while ago and it is clear he was the buffer in our family. Great fun; I co-cared for him for nearly 7 years to mum's demands but I adored him and would have done anything for him. It's clear now, that my sibling is way closer to her than I am, and she has now turned against my own struggles with her, when at one time I'd confide and we'd laugh about her 'ways' together. I yearn for that 'little old lady' type of mum who you would tell anything to, and protect; adore. Sadly, I have (in my head) an 'entitled old bag', tell her to 'fuck off and die' many times in my thoughts and I live in a permanent state of guilt for thinking these thoughts. To all intents and purposes she was a 'good mum', but emotionally unavailable, judgemental, curt and never fun. As they say, you can choose your friends, but not your family. Thank God for threads like this - I for one can't wait to be free of this elderly shit. I am suffering severe compassion fatigue, if there is such a thing.

You’re right, blood is thicker than water - the full phrase is ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’. I would be tempted to let her sort herself out tbh.

@Seasaltsqualli totally get you - I could have written all this, so recognisable and never good enough whatever we do! So sorry you are going through this!

A little update: you were right @DPotterand @PropertyD - she did about turn. She got her health back and on the day when SS sent a carer to sign some papers as all was in place for a carer to start coming every day she refused to sign! First she said she now wanted it 3 times a week only then refused on the pretext that she does not trust the company-provider and does not like the carer!
the next day she had spoken to the company and said that she wants a different arrangement and they agreed to return her case to the SS and start again, only now she is in charge!

I am so angry! I could have flown home 2 weeks ago and now she is acting like I am mad for no reason! “Why are you so upset?” I wasted a lot of time, money and has been stressed beyond belief in these 3 weeks. I told her I am leaving tomorrow (not true) but I am going to a friend’s house to have a breather. I am changing my tickets again and going home to my lovely family. Hopefully never have to see her again! The evil two faced hag!

Op, dpotter has wise words there. Stick to your leaving date, and do not change it or falter under blackmail, anger, begging, or anything else. You have a life too, and children who need you, it does not sound like she’s been much of a mum to you, there’s no need to be a martyr.
Just read your update, good on you for defo leaving - let her get on with it, she is not your problem to solve. Go home to your lovely family where people love and appreciate you!

@fedddupp it's very sad but good you've seen the light. Don't fall back under her control. Best wishes ❤️

I'm sorry I was accuate in my prediction. Sadly I have seen it before with my PIL.

Hope you get a breather at your friend's house before you go home to you family.

Oh @fedddupp,

"Hopefully never have to see her again! The evil two faced hag!"

This did give me a giggle. If you knew the thoughts that went through my head, I'd probably be arrested. I wish her no harm, will fight her case (in an emergency), but once she's gone, won't miss her at all. It actually feels sad to write that - but it's the absolute truth. Safe journey home - if you update the thread I'll have a 🥂 with you!

@Seasaltsquall I am back! But mentally still there and I think I have PTSD. I actually started crying silently when the plane took off. Just all the pressure and stress of the past few weeks got to me. As you said - I wish her no harm and do help but it takes such a toll on me! I really will not miss her when she is gone too. Sad but true..

Every time my dad behaved that way, I walked out of the room or put of the house immediately. I stayed away until I felt calm again. If ranted at on my return, I walked out again, went for coffee or a walk. I prioritised not ruining my mental health.
Long term, I did what any responsible decent human being would do for another, but no more. Sort out professional care and never prioritise her demands over the needs of your family or your own wellbeing.

Unless you have a parent with narcissistic behaviours, it's hard to understand how draining, sad and desperate being around them can be. Sending you support and I hope you can get out of there soon and back to the happy life you've created for yourself.

A little further update on the events. After I arrived home I was a worried wreck, thinking how I probably should have stayed longer and ensured that help is in place etc etc. had been very tense and kept churning the events in my head. Could not bring myself to call her. But today I got a text from her cousin whom she engaged to take her to SS and start the process of care assistance again - on her terms. So all the things that I arranged for her were not good enough and she decided to start anew with his help.

I feel a mixture of relief that she is strong enough to deal with it but also so confused and wrong footed! This cousin probably thinks that I am a bad daughter having abandoned her like this but it could not be further from the truth! Apparently, with him she is all sweetness and light! And the bad treatment she reserves just for me! Well, nothing new here - but I still feel so upset over the whole situation.

That's awful @fedddupp but not surprising. She sounds like a professional manipulator.
Try and do something nice for yourself to distract yourself from her. Meet up with a fun friend. Or whatever you fancy.

You can't change her. Just your reaction to her.

Absolutely relate to every word of this. Except my mother wasn’t a good mother. I can’t stand her but worry about her and feel guilty
for not being the daughter she expects. She pits myself and my sister ( golden child) against one another. I am moving away. A long way away. I’ve had enough.

OP you are a saint for having stayed as long as you have. I couldn’t stay that long with my mother. I really wouldn’t be doing it again if I were you.

Hi @MarieClairedelune - good for you for moving away and regaining your life! Let the golden child help her and see if she remains golden then!

Hugs to all here finding themselves in such situation as mine. The sad truth is that people who have no experience of toxicity say “she is just getting old” and “wait until you reach the same age”. Not true. My MIL and FIL were not like that and other people I knew were a please to look after!

@feddduppI hope you were able to ping a quick response to her cousin ‘yes, I had it all set up for her care before I left, so was surprised when she cancelled it all. All the best, feddd’

Terribly sorry mother. Work have been in touch and if I don’t go back now, I’ll lose my job.