Helping mum but she treats me like dirt

[fedddupp]

I am in an impossible situation and just want to vent really. I have been living happily in another country to be as far away as possible from my Narc mum. Any contact with her over the years was always ending badly, with me fleeing and not talking to her for a while.

She is now 89 and is relatively strong. A few weeks back she checked into a hospital for a planned observation but got respiratory infection there and was discharged in a poor state.

I had no choice really but to book a flight and be with her, nursing her to health. It was unpleasant from the start but now that she is out of danger she reverted to her old tricks of talking to me curtly, silent treatments, rude demands. nothing new.

I am currently sorting out her care, so that she can remain at home with some extra help. Plus arranging a doctor supervision. It all takes time and meanwhile she takes me completely for granted, not once asking how I am, how my family is doing without me. I had to change my return ticket and ask for unpaid leave from work to do all this. I spent huge sums already. She loftily hinted that she might reimburse me but I’d rather she treated me like a daughter and not like a slave.

in short, I am stressed, tired and anxious all the time, not sure where the next scandal or barbed comment will come from.

As soon as everything is in place I plan to return home and basically just want to forget her and to never see her again.

But I tried in the past and was still worrying how she is. Blood is thicker than water but she is a truly vile, unpleasant person- not just to me but to everyone else around her.

What I am to do (I am an only child, there is no one else really whom I can as to step in)?

Realistically it isnt going to get better. She is in her closing years and hasnt changed. I would make arrangements with ss and tell them you are going back home. No discussions about who is going to do what etc.

SS love daughters like you. It means that they need to do much less than normal. Does she have money? Is she living on her own. I wouldnt be putting up with curt replies and silent treatment. Who the hell does she think she is?

What is her plan for the next 12-18 months. Ask her..

and was discharged in a poor state.….I had no choice really but to book a flight and be with her, nursing her to health.

This is not your problem. This is the problem of the ward manager, nurse, social worker, and whoever else.

Don't do this again unless you genuinely want to, which it doesn’t sound like you do.

If she had no daughter then the professionals would arrange the care she needs.

Do not feel obliged to do anything for her.

@PropertyDthank you for your reply. She has money - not rich by any means but enough for her lifestyle. She lives on her own and hardly interacts with people unless necessary. Not good with people either. She has no plan and never had one and resisted my attempts asking her to sort out SS in case of ill health. She won’t answer my question about the future - she just shrugs and expects me to be there for her. We never had any normal conversations as she just shuts me down.

as soon as I am sorting some SS help I am legging it!

@NoCommentingFromNowOn thank you for your reply. She lives in another country and things are a bit different here. So she called a taxi from the hospital herself and after arriving home just collapsed with chest infection. She sounded dreadful on the phone and as she lives alone and never had inclination to put anything in place for herself she left it all for me to sort out. So I am here sorting it. Alone. It is all extremely hard.

I absolutely hate it here and doing everything in my power to escape as soon as I can.

I have almost the parallel situation - I can empathize 1000%. I don’t have the solution myself either - but personally am sucking it up so not to be cut off financially.

Op sorry to hear this. God they quite entitled! Ive no advice you can only do so much. My mother is difficult also

I can't offer any practical help to you OP but just wanted to say this. You have done over and above what anyone could have possibly asked of you for your mum. It sounds like she deserved nothing and you've given everything.

If your friend had done the same as you for her vile, unpleasant mother - well you would hope she wouldn't worry about her any more and you would want her to know that she had done enough. Allow yourself to truly believe this about you.

When this is over, get the hell outta there, go home and do not worry about her again. You've done enough. She sounds awful. You sound lovely.

If she had stayed in hospital until they had discharged her, what would have happened? Literally, what would the hospital do?

I am so sorry about what is happening with you.

What would ss do if you got sick in the morning and had to go to hospital? What would happen to your Mother?

Could you tell them that you have to return home by x date and you have a flight booked? Tell your mother that you are gone on x date and she can do what she wants regarding social service. I know it is harsh but at the moment her case is not priority as you are there and equally she is just going to assume you will stay if she refuses ss.

@NoCommentingFromNowOnsorry, I was not clear, she took a taxi home after being discharged after a planned investigation. But while there she caught a respiratory infection that got worse as she returned home.

@purplecorkhearti am trying to arrange the SS care of her. She is quite frail after her illness. As soon as they send a carer to look after her in her house I will leave. But it is all quite slow and I am just waiting to hear from the care provider. I set myself a return date in 3 weeks time (my work agreed) but she never asked if I managed to exchange my ticket or how much it cost etc etc. My life doesn’t concern her but she expects me to bend backwards to attend to her needs. Just very selfish. Always has been. It is like we have this role reversal. But I did not understand it when I was younger. Now I do but I just cannot leave her helpless. I am a glutton for punishment!

Thank you @SaulJunction. I am more assertive now and try just ignore her comments. It is hard but I am getting there, I think.

@Mary46thank you for your support - yes, they are! I just hope I will not be like that in my old age! But I never treated my own children the way she did with me.

@IlovecheeseyahI understand, and so sorry to hear this! At the moment I just want to run a mile, regardless. Just for my own sanity.

I totally hear you OP. Look after yourself when you get back home please and sending good wishes to you x

Think maybe you could at least be a bit curt back to her and say things like "Mum, I've come back and helped you. No one else is here helping you apart from me. You could at least not be so rude to me."
"Mum, that's enough of talking like that now. It's hurtful."
"Mum, why are you being so rude? Maybe you are unwell." Lol
Alternatively just be selfish back to her, drone on and on about how hard your life is, how miserable things are, work work work, blah blah, inane chatter that amuses you and helps you pass the time.

Make sure you are going out and being away from her since you are there for another 3 weeks. Do you have friends or other family in her country?

And make it clear to SS you won't be flying in again bc of financial reasons so she needs a full package of care.

Sorry, my post may be unclear. I suggest you tell both ss and your mother that you are leaving on the 23rd of March for example. Tell them that services need to be in place by that date as you will be gone. As long as you are staying around ss will push your Mom to the back of the list as she has a full time carer

@Keroppithank you for your reply. Unfortunately, as she is a narcissist challenging her just sets her off on more abuse. I have finally managed to detach from her emotionally (I hope), after a particularly nasty episode last week. So now I just work as a carer without trying to engage. That’s the best tactic! Only took me about 50 years to realise it!

Its very hard. She minded her mother. Has answers to everything. I said nobody worked then. God its draining isnt it. My mil isnt half this hassle that my mother is

Sounds so difficult OP. I had similar experience myself.
Btw I would suggest you need to be very clear and firm with ss about dates and remind in writing that they have a duty of care and after x date will be responsible ( as you are abroad)
They may have difficulties getting care provider but that’s not your issue. Maybe I sound harsh or jaded. I was main carer for years - it was only when I finally said I give up, I am not doing this , within seconds SS promised overnight care one night a week
Take care
And well done for disengaging
Ultimately what ever you do she won’t be happy so there is no point you sacrificing your life/ job

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You must be worn out.
You've had some good advice. I wouldn't blame you for going NC.
It doesn't sound like she's ever been a mother to you.

@SonsRfabthank you for your reply. Yes, I am exhausted physically but even more so mentally. We have received SS assistance starting next week and I told them I have a ticket booked for 11 March. I left her now reading the SS proposal and she might be in a huff by the time I returned but I am just going for a walk to get some respite from her. Hopefully, the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight for me.

@fedddupp I hope so too.

I've said this before and I will say it again - there will be times with older relatives when it's like watching a slow motion car crash - you know it's going to happen, you know exactly what could be done to prevent or at least improve the outcome, but you are powerless to do anything. The only thing you can do is dis-engage, which it sounds like you are doing.

Your DM seems to be capable of making her own decisions and that is something you need to hang on to. You'll probably have come across the phrase 'having capacity'. In theory it's a grand concept - that everyone has the right to determine their own lives, to make their own decisions, even if those decisions are ill-advised. In the experience of many families this can mean that if the individual can express an opinion, that opinion is held to be the absolute golden truth. Even if everyone around knows it's absolute bat-shit crazy. So if the elderly person refuses input from ss, that is what it must be. It can looks like ss are dipping out of their responibilities, and yes, it can help their bottom line, but it's more complicated that that.

So a warning - be really firm about your leaving date. Absolutley rock solid. There is a strong chance that your DM will let the care input start for a day or 2 and then pull the plug. And trust me when I say - frail elderly do not need a narcissist diagnosis to pull that stunt. Social services won't ask her twice if she sacks them, they'll walk as they are 'respecting her wishes'. Now she maybe be expecting you to pick up the rope, ss won't care either way.

So start girding those loins, have the taxi booked and be out of there as soon as you can. Are you staying at your DM's house ? If so can you afford to move out on the day care starts; you could say it's a rehearsal for when you go home. I know you've changed your flights at least once, but do you have any scope to bring the date forward by a week, or even to next weekend ? I'm just concerned that if everyone knows you're here for another 2 weeks, there will not be the pressure to put the care plan into action until day 12.

best of luck

@DPotter great advice.