When you feel that it's all on your back.

[Tolkienista]

Going to keep this post short, because I'm feeling down.
Four children, one mother in a care home.
At the moment for various reasons I'm doing the lions share of visits, admin, phone calls, emails, co-ordination, organising things and it's got to me this week.
I'm retired so I get I have more time on my hands than my siblings.
Just looking for support, perspective or just your experience to share.
Thanks.

Oh gosh, I feel your anger and frustration.
Been there got the t-shirt and no one can prepare you for those days when it literally feels you're doing everything.
It's not always like that, my sister flies home today from a holiday abroad.
My brother is travelling up from Devon tonight.
So there is help, but not consistent help.

I'm very happily retired, despite this thread.
Wouldn't go back to working for anything.
Had a fantastic career as a teacher, but when you know it's your time to go, you know.
I knew!

Same happened to me. No help from siblings. It was a different story when it was time to share out the proceeds of the will. They turned up for that soon enough

I’m pleased you’re getting a bit of help from your siblings, however limited. Accept whatever they offer help wise and if there’s no offer, don’t hesitate to spell out specific things they can do. Even if they don’t do things the way you would try to let them get on with it and not pick up the pieces even if things go a bit wrong. Let them sort it out.

Hopefully the completion will go quickly and smoothly.

Sending you best wishes.

As well as living some distance away do your siblings all work OP?

It normally does fall to one person, us in our case even though we both work full time, but if you’re the only one retired and you’re closest then sorry but you are the obvious candidate. That doesn’t make it fair in some regards, but it’s invariably unfair for one reason or another. Your choice is to keep doing it, or just say no and stop.

I feel your frustration and exhaustion. I too feel this is the perfect place to let your feelings out. A place where others "get it"
And as you said, you "just needed to vent" that's exactly how I felt last night too.

Yes they all work, but this week has been particularly bad, one sibling just out of hospital, recovering at home, another sibling abroad on holiday, third sibling lives two hundred miles away but driving down as I type.
The house clearing has been my biggest bugbear this week, and it's fallen on me to get things organised with companies.
I am resilient, I'm well organised too, but last night I just needed to vent and I feel so much better today.

Playing devils advocate here. I suspect if you spoke to one of my siblings they would tell you I don’t do enough. What they fail to acknowledge is I have carried the burden of my parents for a lifetime. They had only been married a year when I was born and clearly should not have got married. It was always a toxic place unless my mother was getting everything her way. Every event had to be over celebrated as if she was royalty. She had the best of everything even though we were not well off. She was basically protected from reality by not having to work. In a way she never grew up to learn any resilience as she just simply always got her own way and if she didn’t we all knew about it.

It took me to have my own family and realise how disfunctional my childhood had been. I assumed everyone had a mother who regularly threatened to ‘throw myself off a cliff’ or ‘walk into the sea’. All because of minor issues.

It isn’t always a lack of care in opting to do what you can for elderly parents. Sometimes it is self preservation after a lifetime of trying to help but always falling short of their expectations. It may well be that the siblings you think are useless have tried and realised nothing they do is good enough. I am definitely that sibling. I became ill trying to make sense of the mess my parents life was. All their own doing. They always knew better than everyone else-only they didn’t.

Sometimes you have to step back. I nearly lost my marriage because I was so enmeshed trying to sort out the mess my parents had created. They are simply difficult people.

To all of you. Take care of yourselves first.

I think you have a very good point @BlueLegume 💐

It's really tough, and we all need to vent sometimes. Families are very complex aren't they 💐

I hear you. My parents are late 80's, still in their own home and no carers.
Both getting more and more frail. Mum has a multiple amount of health issues
They refuse any outside help.

None of us siblings live close to them. I am the eldest and live 3 hours away, single and retired, but it all falls to me. I do multiple trips to them, take them to hospital appointments etc. I am the first person they call.
Two siblings live abroad so little they can do. One of these does acknowledge that I do the bulk of everything and is grateful. Brother ( abroad ) has no idea of anything and doesn't listen.
Other sister live in UK, but does nothing to help apart from odd phone calls. She last visited over two years ago.

I do it because I care and love them, but sometimes I would like someone else to take over the burden for a bit.

Totally agree. I see this a lot personally and professionally. I have siblings but despite me living the furtherest, having the least free time (full time work and 2 toddlers) and having my own health issue then lm seen as the default person. I decline. I’m now at the point where l have saved templates of replies to remind people of this -my mum, siblings etc. So l can copy paste and send them

@Tolkienista also solidarity, as the closest geographically. I felt on the very edge of my sanity when clearing and selling the house which is the purgatory of a million (often emotionally charged) decisions.

I feel incredibly fortunate that I did and do have some help from my siblings with our difficult parent - but they all live hours away and this can feel like they have the luxury of boundaries whereas I don’t get to say ‘I can’t’ very often. Things just need doing and I’m on the spot. The most unexpected burden for me was feeling like the ‘leader’. I’m not the eldest, or a natural leader, we all have other commitments like work and DC, but I made the hard decisions when things spiralled. Everyone still looks to me and it’s often the weight of responsibility that feels exhausting.

Do tell them it’s hard for you and that they can help with decisions as well as effort. Also, take breaks and holidays and don’t feel guilty for having your own boundaries.

When the house was finally sold, it was a huge millstone lifted. Thank you for venting here - it has reminded me that my current purgatory is lighter than those dark days!

That is a really tough read and I can fully empathise with your workload and responsibility to your parents. I know others will say, step back let others do their share, but it's not that easy. I think I overpainted a negative picture of my siblings in my post, because in the last 24 hours they've gone above and beyond doing things to help out. So I stand corrected.
Your final sentence about doing it because you care and love them is very true for me too .

Its very hard. Our dad had a stroke so we speak from experience. One wont do sundays her "family time". I do saturdays. Thats it. Had put my own health first. Tired and run ragged. Im 53. Im glad I work you be called on 7 days....

What a great message, thank you so much. Your words resonate with me and remind me that this will come to an end & we can look back knowing we did our very best. Yes it's been tough, but we have done it out of love and commitment.

Have a family meeting with your siblings as soon as you can. Before you meet, make a list of all the jobs that need doing and put your name next to the things that you want to do. Show it to your siblings and ask them to
take on the ones that are left. It will be good to talk together.
Go through everything - finances, health, house stuff, appointments etc.

@Fushia123 great idea. What do you do when at the meeting one of your siblings just shouts at you, points fingers and tells you they have a ‘full on job’ and that you are retired, I am, so ‘you’ve all the time in the world Blue’.

Said sibling knows absolutely nothing about my retired life. My parents never cared about me unless they could boast to make themselves look good.

I know….. it’s so tricky. But even so, jobs have to be shared as fairly as possible. To begin with, we (2 sisters and 1 brother) set up a WhatsApp chat group - (put your family name in it’s title). This way you can still communicate, however far away you all are.
Log in as often as you have to, to say what you have done and what you need help with.
We are all playing our part now - the stress of so much extra work can spill over into some ‘emotional’ (!) conversations. We all have our own viewpoints and feelings about the situation. So far, we have listened to each other and been supportive - not something that I would have predicted after years of the usual sibling stuff that happens.

I'm one of two children and I always knew it would fall on me as I'm single with no kids and the daughter, more so when after mum had a massive fall he refused to come and sit with her so I could go and get a change of clothing because he was going to football! Mum has since been diagnosed with Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP), which is similar to Parkinson's but faster and I don't ask for anything from him because there is just no point, he's not going to do it and I'd rather make it work than ask again. I do everything for her, housework, hospital visits and stay over three nights a week. Right now, she's able to manage money but that will change. On the other hand, I also have PoA's and he hasn't ever been difficult about that and is appreciative of how I care for Mum, he's just asked me not to keep anything from him because but we are pretty much on the same page about the situation. He also had to tell my nephews about how sick their Grandma is and will get and I don't at all envy him that. He calls her every day (twice on the days I'm not with her) and sees her most Sunday mornings (as that's the one of the days I don't see her, it means I don't worry as much). It feels very difficult sometimes, but it could be so much worse, just reading here reminds me of how bad it could be. I'm lucky that I have support from friends and from work that has allowed me to cope...