When you feel that it's all on your back.

[Tolkienista]

Going to keep this post short, because I'm feeling down.
Four children, one mother in a care home.
At the moment for various reasons I'm doing the lions share of visits, admin, phone calls, emails, co-ordination, organising things and it's got to me this week.
I'm retired so I get I have more time on my hands than my siblings.
Just looking for support, perspective or just your experience to share.
Thanks.

How long has your DM been in the home? When mine went in it quite quickly reduced my workload enormously. I'm wondering what is the nature of all the afmin, emails, organising you are having to do. Are you having to manage her previous home?

DH is retired and has ended up doing everything for his parents. He manages their finances so that FILs care home fees get paid, if FIL needs anything we sort it out. MIL has just spent 11 days in hospital after a fall and DH visited every day to make sure she actually ate and drank something. Then we sorted out a care home for temporary respite care when MIL was discharged. Meanwhile BIL visited the hospital for two hours. It gives me the rage just thinking about BIL having a carefree life while DH is overwhelmed with stress. But thats the path to madness and best not to dwell on!

Two years in a care home, I'm her next of kin so a lot comes through me.
Biggest drain on my time at the moment is the sale of her home, there's a lot going on and for various reasons I'm in the thick of it.
I deal with all her home utilities, house insurance & financial affairs.
Once the house sale is completed things will improve dramatically.

I do everything for DM. DB does nothing. Luckily I have DH supporting me

Fully empathise with your post. Especially the sentence your DH is "overwhelmed by stress" Once her house sale is completed, things will inevitably improve for me, as currently it's taking up a lot of my time between solicitors, house clearance and tying up utility providers.

That is a really tough one for you, I sympathise.
I knew I'd be closely involved as I lived closest to her when she lived at home, but when she moved in to a care home it just continued. My siblings have certainly been involved but not to the same extent as me.

We cleared and sold FILs house last year. I didnt know they were hoarders till we started looking in cupboards! It took ages to get it ready to sell but a huge relief once it was done.

‘Overwhelmed by stress’ resonates with me too.

Having siblings does not guarantee the care/workload/emotional stress will be shared

I feel for you OP. If you can delegate more to your siblings I would try to. And make sure you are getting some breaks and the care home call them when you are away.

It will get better once the house is cleared and sold. But while clearing everything out, make sure you keep all wills, death certificates of relatives, marriage and birth certificates, especially parents of your parents, plus your mum’s financial documents. They are essential when you reach that stage.

My DF passed away last year and we are now dealing with his estate, so I’m aware of how important it is to be able to provide all the necessary paperwork for probate.

Go back to work it will be easier

I feel the same OP. Mum is 89, still in her own home (council house but so poorly maintained I'm sure it should be condemned). Fading eyesight and her hearing has deteriorated, limited mobility. She says she can hear music playing and is convinced it is the neighbours trying to get her out of her house. She absolutely refuses to see her doctor. We had a very distressing episode when we visited this week when she was beyond upset convinced that my DB was very ill (he's previously had cancer). I had to ring him and get him to speak to her to reassure her all was ok.

DB is in a very busy and intense job but I'm sure he could find five minutes in his week to give her a call but he doesnt. It's all left to me and DH (we are 63 and 72 respectively and both retired). She sticks her 'I'm not listening ' headphones on When we try and broach Wills or even POA so I feel really stuck. Sorry, just needed to vent

I’ve done so much for my DM while my B has done absolutely fuck all, I told her if she leaves her will to us equally I’ll be bloody fuming!

Is there anything you can delegate?

I’m in a similar situation with my DF especially when he moved to a flat but I started passing certain things on to siblings to sort out (ie. Anything tv or broadband related I pass on to db)

Empathy OP. I’m single with no children but 2 siblings (both have kids). Everything has fallen to me for the past 5 years. One sibling gave a lift to my parent once, despite living just 45 mins away (and I live 3 hrs away. Parents retired to a rural area). I go up for 3 days every other week.

I do all you do and it is exhausting.

There’s a long running thread - the Cockroach Cafe - with plenty of us in the same boat who understand how hard it is. Come and join us if you need support or somewhere to have a moan.

God its difficult op. We try and share it 3 us. I draw line doing hols with she 80s. I guess just do what you can. I do find siblings happy to sit back too. Feel for you.

My mother had dementia for ten years and I'm an only child so I was the only one available to do whatever was needed. It was very stressful. My OH helped whenever possible though.

The amount of work needed reduced radically once she moved to a care home. She rented her flat, so after I had cleared it and dealt with all the bills there was just her ongoing finances to deal with, along with visiting her for seven long years.

OP I sympathise and I hope that the house sale goes through asap so you have a lot less to do.

I hear you. For all intents and purposes I am an only child , my (d)b has been no contact for twenty plus years. My DM passed away end of 2024, I did everything from Covid onwards. Shopping, errands, appointments, life admin, visits, housework and so on. My DM would never accept help from anywhere else and would never pay either, there was always the ‘my daughter will do it’ mantra. It was relentless, endless class daily phone calls with jobs that were deemed urgent, that weren’t. I visited regularly, three to four times a week and it still wasn’t enough. It would be fair to say it wore me down. My DM is no longer with us but I’m still on the hamster wheel but to a lesser degree. My DF is now 92 and a different character. Is as self sufficient as you can be at his age and is independent. I do shopping and life admin but I don’t feel as much pressure from him. I have two children and am in my early 50s so managing menopause as well. The sandwich generation is a perfect term and describes me to a tee. I feel like my life is on hold and has been for the last 5/6 years. Im sending you empathy and good wishes. Look after yourself too, it’s so easy to get ground down in it all.

Also just adding solidarity here, @Tolkienista. Both my DPs no longer with us, sadly, but I was the carer, predominantly for DM when she was left on her own, still at home. I lived 200 miles from her (4+ hr drive), my DSis less than 10 (20 minute drive). Guess who did all the organising of bills, medical stuff, food shopping, travelling up to keep her company (she was housebound) roughly every 2 weeks.

Luckily I was very part-time at work (and freelance) but my career effectively withered on the vine. DSis was able to keep hers going intact. You can imagine how I appreciated it when DBIL once told me in total seriousness that he wished they could do more for DM but they just lived 'too far away'.
I loved DM and was devastated to lose her but it was bloody hard to keep that up for more than a decade, all of my 50s vanished really, and I haven’t forgotten how life continued largely as normal for DSis and her H.

Solidarity from me as well 💐 I handle all mother's admin and I'm about to deal with the sale of her house. She's in a care home so fortunately no longer have to coordinate her care. Brothers are clueless.

I’m an only child. Work fulltime & live over 200 miles away. It’s been a tough few years. DM had vascular dementia and died in Dec 2023. DF went rapidly downhill and died in April 2025. Still haven’t sold the house. It nearly broke me. I feel your pain.

I’m not retiring as I know the expectation from DM will increase. DB never did much and now has his own challenges. DSIs is retired but has GDC and holidays that keep her busy. Plus’s they keep falling out. So it lands with me all the time. And there’s always something.

Always makes me laugh on the “should we have another kid” threads, someone will always pipe up that its a great idea because you’ll have lots of help when you’re in your dotage…
In my experience it nearly always falls to one person, no matter how many siblings there are. At least if you’re an only child you can suit yourself, and not have to deal with helpful suggestions from absent siblings that do bugger all to help practically!

I’ve been exclusively looking after my mum since my dad died 5 years ago. DB has been useless. It so infuriating when everything is just left to me. She was ill a few weeks ago, and DB rang me up to complain that I should have told him. What’s the point when he wouldn’t help anyway. I told him to f-off. It was very cathartic.

I spent four hours today at the house, it was intense trying to get things done, including a charity to collect household items.
Point taken about documents......all safely stored in my box room.
We haven't got a completion date yet, but it's pretty close.
Once the house is gone, I know things will inevitably improve.