What is reasonable? Housebound/visiting etc

[ElderlyParentsUsername]

Am looking for honest feedback.

My father lives alone and is currently housebound as he cannot drive and cannot walk any distance.

I can’t see this changing or improving. He has one or two friends who would visit maybe once a month each.

I live 40minute drive away but have other commitments and I don’t want to visit. He has never really been there for me and has treated me and others badly over the years.

If he has enough food and supplies in the house, how often is reasonable for me to leave in between visits?

He is miserable at times but his situation has been brought on by himself and I have little sympathy.

You should get in touch with social services and ask for a care assessment for him and you.

If, for perfectly good reasons, as you've stated, that you don't want to be involved, you tell the services that and be adamant.

Each to their own but as long as you can rest your head on your pillow at night with a totally clear conscience then that’s all well and good.

No one knows your back story . We’re not asking to. Clearly there is a history .

My beautiful Dad is incredibly poorly in hospital right now. He’s my world . And I know I have been the best Daughter. As he has Father .

Hope all goes well op .

electric wheelchair?

I can’t walk far but I get about my town by wheelchair.
depending on where he lives most areas have some sort of wheelchair taxi and many areas have socialising opportunities for disabled/elderly people.

He has never really been there for me and has treated me and others badly over the years.

Well as you sow etc etc 🤷‍♀️.

There are always people who will be outraged, they wouldn’t dream of ‘abandoning’ their ‘wonderful, supportive, loving’ dad, but that’s completely different from your situation isn’t it? So ignore them.

Put yourself first, because he never did.

There's clearly an uncomfortable history in this relationship, so asking what strangers on the internet think is reasonable for your visiting is not going to be helpful for you.

You should visit as often as is right for you. Ideally nobody should be lonely. If you wanted to help him be more sociable without you visiting frequently you could research local groups/activities for him to attend, befriending services, a paid companion, find taxi services or volunteer driver services. Perhaps start with ageUK, his local social services, local churches, his GP to find out what available in his area.

I completely sympathise OP. Some people just cannot fathom that a parent can be horrid to their own children. This sounds like my nan. It wasn't till I was much older that I realised the relationship, or lack there of, that she had with my mum. Nan was manipulative, selfish and had be horrid when my mum grew up.

-I agree, has he has a social services assessment?
-How does he get his shopping, medications, attend GP visits etc?
-There might be a local befriending service. They match a volunteer to him and visit for a chat, play a board game or whatever the person wants to do.
-A friend volunteers for a local community group and drives people to appointments and takes them shopping
-MIL attends a local luncheon club. They have a bus which collects less able people that can't drive for £2, they get a 2 course meal with tea/coffee and it used to be £6. Might be more now though!
-Has a care home or supported living been discussed?

There might be similar schemes in his area. You could try asking on nextdoor where he lives. How often you visit it up to you, but you need to look after yourself first. ❤

Thanks all, you’re right, it’s for me to decide and the back story is complicated.

It’s not as bad as not wanting to be involved at all, but just that I get very resentful/angry when he expects me to help.

I am also annoyed as he won’t entertain the practical suggestions like community help etc. He’s not that old but just in poor health.

Thanks again, it’s been useful to hear perspectives. And I’m sorry to you @IstillloveKingThistle that your lovely dad is poorly. Despite the sadness that brings, you really are very lucky to have a loving father.

Well if he won’t accept external help that’s on him. This is what we save for. To buy in care and leave our family free of the burden. What was his plan for coping as he aged?
Visit once a week, once a month, once every three months or whatever you want. Give him social services number and leave him be. And don’t involve neighbours, highly unfair.

Is he expecting you to step in and help?
That would be a hard no presumably?
I'd say - if you're willing - to assist with putting measures in place, carers, gardening, online shopping etc. But visiting? Up to you entirely. Maybe once a month?

I totally agree with all this, thank you for articulating it - including the reminder to plan for my own old age (already am but reminders always good to think about different eventualities)