Stressed with DM's behaviour

[Frazzledmummy123]

My mum hasn't spoken to me in over a week (more about that in a minute). She has narcissistic tendencies and is my dad's primary carer. My dad has dementia, almost zero mobility, double incontinence and the last 9 years has been an exhausting cycle of stubborness and refusing everything that would help them.

Here it is in bullet points:

• Chose to live in their semi-detached house among steep hills, with a steep path and steps to front door, no downstairs loo and not near amenities. They could have moved as was a bought house and have money. Until my dad stopped driving last year his only way out was in car, hadn't walked up his street for 8 years. I have to listen to my mum moaning about all the hills, the steep path, the stairs in house being dangerous, and refuse taxis. My dad is practically housebound, and only goes to day centre once weekly, and sometimes can't go because he can't go down the path. My mum still insists on living there and sees no issues. Obviously too late now to move but no accountability for not making sensible decisions.
• Refuses to get carers or allow a care assessment despite my mum clearly not coping. Goes off in bitter rants and can barely get out herself because my dad needs 24/7 care, but goes out anyway. Gets sarcastic when carers are suggested.
• When he first developed incontinence, refused incontoninence pads and everywhere we went had to be near a toilet.
• At first, refused a walking stick and he'd be grabbing onto walls, etc.
• Refused walking frame and attended family funerals with me having to hold him up and judgemental remarks from other people with him falling all over the place.
• I went in holiday with them last year and it was 3 days of hell. Refused a wheelchair and my dad couldnt walk, we ended up not being able to do anything and spent first day sitting in a pub/restaurant and him falling about everywhere when on his feet. He also threw tantrums at night refusing to go to bed.
• Despite having had 2 events in recent years, nothing is in place at all for if she goes into hospital.

My mum uses me as an emotional crutch constantly complaining and refusing things to help. She has recently started suggesting I sit with my dad to let her go out (while receiving no outside help anywhere else). I work and have 3 kids, 2 of whom are on autism spectrum and are starting high school this year.

Now, a family member had a health scare last week which set my mum over the edge. And myself. She moaned for 20 minutes to me on phone the day the family member was having a serious op (she's 90) and I burst into tears and told my my mum I can't listen to her moaning any longer. She started another moan about something else (a phone call about a power cut thennight before). My voice shook at end of it and she went off the phone like a scalded cat and didn't phone all week. I called her but last week after 2nd argument she told my husband I huffed with her all week!

Last weekend I had to leave as she was spoiling for a fight since I arrived. She went off at me when talking about visiting my relative in hospital, then afterwards denied she said any of it (has history 20 years ago of this so not dementia). My kids witnessed it. My mum then called my husband and 'wanted to put her side of it' forward which was all lies. Apparently 'I flared up and stormed out outnof nowhere! Told my husband she is coping just fine!!

Not heard from her in over a week and not sure I really care anymore. I have had some mental peace from her whining and expectation. She'll be back in touch with her digs soon as will want to see her grandkids.

I miss my dad but I'm mentally exhausted with it all and totally done.

Oh gosh, I'm not surprised you feel stressed out with all that. It's hard to understand why they didn't move when they could, but maybe they just couldn't face it. I do feel sorry for your mum, but you're not being selfish to put your and your kids' needs first .

I have a friend who's on her own and likes a moan. She used to drive me up the wall but now I have a strategy - she knows to ring early evening and I put the TV on, have it on silent with the subtitles and watch a quiz. Then I can sort-of listen and make comments but she doesn't drive me nuts anymore. I just let her vent.

I had an absolute saga of very similar issues with my parents that ended up with my relationship with my Mum totally breaking down (she tells other people she doesn't understand why, but I know this is after years of trying to get contact and demands down to a manageable level).

DF is dead now, mercifully; I quit my unpaid and longstanding role as an emotional support monkey some time before that because it was making me ill.

Thoughts are:

Enjoy the break of not speaking to her. Drop the rope. But also it's a good idea to get a plan in place of what you want to happen in terms of future care (be REALLY clear now you're not taking on a caring role if you don't want to or can't... it might not save you from future demands but at least you've tried).

I think it's part of the whole narc thing that they think they can't do mundane, everyday, stinky things like getting old and infirm. Don't enable them - you become a buffer between their world and reality and it becomes more and more stressful.

My parents didn't want their house adapted, despite it being free, DF falling on the steps, and me asking them repeatedly. Then my Dad had a terrible fall and it set off a whole string of events that made things much worse. Are there other family members they might listen to if they're asked about adaptations or carers? If they won't do it then there's ultimately nothing you can do to force them.

Mine hated the idea of carers but actually quite liked them when DM realised it was an audience.

You could try contacting social work for your own peace of mind, or a GP, but if your DM has capacity and is maintaining everything is fine then it might not get very far.

Tell your partner not to answer the phone to her.

Do what you can cope with, not what she expects you to be able to cope with.

Do you need to see the doctor about stress? Or do anything to improve your own health? It IS stressful and it can make you ill.

Is your Mum doing this to show off to other people? I realised much later that a lot of the performances were for the benefit of her peers. I'm not sure what I could have done differently though.

@AgentPidge thank.you for your reply. I did get into a habit of switching off to my mum moaning at timesnwhen it was on the phone, but she literally would.drive a saint insane with the level of moaning she does. Then when I visit, when she is on her own with me face to face, she starts then too. It isn't.even so mucb the level of moaning that gets me, it's the fact she is moaning about things that she could make even a little easier or sort out, but doesn't. It seems like she loves the drama.

Grey rock.

as long as she isn’t expecting you to do any caring (and shut that down sharpish if she mentions it) then she is largely choosing to live a difficult life and not get help.

try to go over there less.
agree regular phone calls if you can so thet you can at least keep the moaning to expected times.

@HoraceGoesBonkers thank you for your reply. Sorry you've had similar to deal with 💐. I can identify with pretty much everything you said, and to answer your question about any family members who could talk to her? Sadly not as I'm an only child and she has 4 sisters, but they all have the same way of handling adversity, which is to stick your head deep in the sand and pretend its not happening. I have approached two of them before and they didn't do anything or seem to want to help.

I plan to talk to my GP about stress next week as the stress is making me ill. I'm having dizzy turns,.got a bad stomach and feeling very low (all stress related). I have 3 kids and I worry that something seroous which is a physical illness might start as a result of all this stress and the stress of the last 9 years. They do say the body catches up.

@Octavia64 I think grey rock is what I'm going to need to do at this stage as this just can't continue.

You are totally right, she is actively choosing to live a difficult life. As it was, I only saw her once a week. Used to only speak on the phone twice a week and recently she has become very overbearing, calling me constantly and every phone call was a moan session.

You have a partner, 3 kid's and 2 who have autism and a job. Meanwhile your mother wants you there to listen to her moaning and to sort out her current situation.
You could see that long term there house was not suitable and encouraged her to move. She refused to do this and now is complaining about her current home.

Your mother refuses to contact social services ect and see what help she is entitled to. She could have careers helping her out each day. She could get attendance allowance to pay for a careers to stay with him for a few hours when she has a break. The reality is that your father should not be left on his own when she goes out as he can't care for himself.
Your father could need care in a nursing home and my feeling is she refusing to accept this. Long term she could want to stay in her home and not pay for his care.

At this stage I would step back. I would be in no hurry to contact her and enjoy a few days of quietness on her part. She has no right to be verbally abusive with you when she is unwilling to do anything to help herself.

I would say to her the next time she rings and starts to moan say if you ring social services your probably entitled to carers and you could fill out the form to get the attendance allowance. You could use that to pay for some care for dad when you go out.

The reality is that you can't drop all and care for your father despite what she thinks. You have to consider yourself, your own health and your family. She is now expecting you to care for your dad when she goes out. I can say if you do this once she will be gone for hours and have no consideration that you may need to leave to collect your kids or bring them say to football at x time.

If she was willing to help herself life would be easier for her and you might consider giving up some free time to help her out.

The refusing to adapt the house is quite common - I have observed it in my mother’s social group. Often a wife saying oh grab hands are so ugly/ it will look like a care home etc. And men thinking they impugne their masculinity. One of her friends refused to put in similar for her newly blind and shuffling husband - it was enraging. Then she fell down the step she refused to add a railing to and broke her wrist badly at which point the grab handles became acceptable.

God op its draining. Yes grey rock good. I still visit but you can only listen to so much moaning!! I tell her little now realised I was saying too much to her.

Give it half an hour, say, and then say "Right, if you're going to moan, then I'm off". And leave. This is what I had to do with my DM. She got the message after about the second time. And that was after I'd spent three hours on the train to go and see her! But I'm sorry - YANBU to be fed up with it.

You also need to train yourself out of offering solutions. She moans a s your answer is “that sounds rough, what are you going to do about that”. No suggesting a solution as she won’t take it and it winds you up. Takes practice but soon it becomes second nature.