Being excluded

[Menocrazy]

My DH tells me nothing about matters with his elderly mother. I sneak a look on his phone occasionally to see what's happening as he communicates with his brother and SIL who live near to her. In the last few days she's had a fall and he's been asked about finances, but I haven't been told any of this. This happens often. I have to ask how she is, and he tells me the minimal information.. I can't tell him I have seen his phone. I feel deliberately excluded.
I have been married for many years and we don't live near our families of origin. I think we have a good relationship otherwise

Ok, quite relieved to see I'm not the only one. In my 50s, in laws 80s. Been in their lives for 30 years.
In the early days, I was certainly expected to do the wife work - cleaning, hosting, presents, etc. I have witnessed a huge chunk of all their lives. I dropped off the presents after another year of no thank yous but aside from that I host, take an interest.

I'm quite open about what's happened in my family, good and bad, the infuriating aunt, the ridiculous holidays, Brexit. I let it all out and move on, absolutely there for them if needed.

DH's family are not the family I deserve. You'd never guess I'd been around so long. I'm on a par with a long term neighbour. They've sewn massive pockets in their shrouds but are immortal and only sad people with no back bone get old or fat.
So I suspect my robust, only certainty attitude to death, grates on them.

So DH messages his siblings poorly. Occasionally they half heartedly discuss yesterday's problem.
MIL has actually asked for a falls alarm but her kids don't think she'll wear a pendant or a big watch, don't ask her and then don't do anything. The childhood home is an aging obstacle course that when you suggest removing a low lying ornamental trip hazards is tantamount to riping up their memories.

It's weird, and I use it as an example to our kids for what not to marry into.

He doesn't trust you will be on his side. Withholding information as a pre emptive measure

OK, so use that info to your advantage while also taking advantage of the fact that they can't drag you into a care giving rota if they won't admit one is needed. Check who can access any of your assets/savings and on what notice, so your husband can't suddenly withdraw anything as 'his' contribution. Assume you and your branch of the family will get nothing on her death - it's safest and it may well be taken up by care costs. Does she own her house?

Had the same thing with DW when her parents died and later her sister. Just excluded from everything, not told what was happening , similar to OP found things out by sneaking a look at her phone, which isn’t great. Don’t know why she found it so hard to talk to me but would confide in her other sister. Was even worse after her sister died when she started talking to a very long time ago ex because he apparently understood what she was going through as he had a sibling who died but still wouldn’t talk to me about how she felt, best advise I could give to OP is to be open with him, tell him you want to help and being excluded doesn’t help with your relationship

Were you close to his parents in the past or have you always been excluded? Just wondering how the current situation has evolved.

The one positive aspect is that you’re not being dragged into caring responsibilities.