Mother is getting forgetful

[EvangelicalAboutButteredToast]

She is 83 and in excellent health. Has a good social life with lots of friends. I probably noticed the odd unusual thing a few years ago. A birthday card would arrive with the wrong number on it for example, but other small things like not really asking about my life anymore and everything being about herself and people I didn’t know. Fair enough, I know that can happen.

It’s got a little bit worse now though. Wishing me Happy Birthday a day before my birthday when my birthday is on a VERY memorable date. Getting my children’s birth dates and ages wrong even when we’ve discussed it a few days before. Wrapping up birthday presents which are kind of what the child asked for but included some really weird stuff like (trying not to be outing so I’ll change it slightly) 5 pairs of men’s socks when the child is 7. Or 5 pre-wrapped sanitary towels that have no bearing whatsoever on the situation and then coming up with a bizarre story as to why the gift was given.

Everything else seems pretty normal otherwise. She’s still well dressed and groomed and the house is still maintained (she lives alone). Goes out with friends regularly, some of whom have my contact details but I suspect many don’t. I do have a sibling but we are estranged unfortunately so I can’t exchange concerns with them which of course siblings would do otherwise.

I feel slightly impotent as I don’t know if monitoring until something that forces my hand happens is okay or whether I should have a bloody difficult conversation with her and risk upsetting her. She is FIERCELY independent so admitting I’m concerned is going to cause a fallout.

She sees my sibling more regularly than me so there is another person who is caring and potentially noticing which I know is helpful.

I would monitor at present, but I would talk to her about PoA, and I would be as fierce as her about it. In general now is the time to start the ‘bossy daughter’ persona.

PoA is about maintaining her independence and honouring her wishes. If she wants those things, she needs to set up both health and finance PoA and then talk to you about what she wants. If she wants to have all the treatment on offer until the bitter end no matter what the pain and indignity, fine - but she needs to talk about it. Likewise, if she wants a peaceful end at home prioritised even if it means losing a few weeks, months or even years, also fine - but give you the tools to fight for her. Because one of these days she is not going to be able to make every single decision herself, and either her attorney does it or a totally unfamiliar social worker or doctor will.

Id also be honest, without humiliation. So I wouldn’t say ‘look at this birthday card mum, what are you like??’ But I WOULD (and did) say ‘well of course your memory isn’t what it was Mum’ as a matter of course.

I don't think it will help to mention her failing memory. She is likely to either deny it and be angry, or forget you said it. There is nothing you can do about it, you have to wait till things get bad enough that someone needs to step in.

But getting her to do a POA would be very useful. You don't have to mention it in connection with her memory, just that when we get older it is useful for everyone to do one 'in case'.

You may encounter the problem that she wants to nominate you and your sibling jointly to hold POA, and if you are estranged that is going to be extremely difficult. Or she may have done POA and nominated your sibling as attorney. It would be useful to at least know what is happening on that score. Because if no one has POA you are going to be really stuck when she needs someone helping her with decision making and finances.

My aunt got like this around age 80 and I thought she had dementia. Actually it was Parkinson’s.

She has medication now as is back to her old self, mentally at least.

I know absolutely nothing about Power if Attorney so I had better start to read up on it. I have no problem at all if she wants to nominate my sibling, I just want her to be okay.

I got kind of tied up about the PoA so I would say what you are describing currently wouldn’t particularly concern me but it is noticeable, if that makes sense - like it wouldnt worry me that she couldn’t live alone but its a bit more than just slowing down a touch with age. I would perhaps put in your diary to come back either to this thread or a description you’ve written elsewhere, in 3 or 6 months, and ask yourself, do things seem the same or have they moved on further? And consider raising a GP visit with her if things are progressing.

My Mum is 80. I noticed things like that about 2-3 years ago with my Mum. Now she was never great on birthdays tbh but on my actual birthday I called in to her for 2 hours had lunch we talked about bdays she talked about HER bday ( 3 weeks after mine!) I said nothing she never twigged until my brother said it to her later on. That was one example of many little things she would pass off as old age forgetful ness & be highly insulted when I mentioned it. Issues arose when I found out she hadn't paid bills car insurance car tax said she never got the bills (she did) I mentioned to her GP , she's been monitoring we got the POA set up (which took ages as she couldn't grasp the concept of it) she's just had a scan & now been referred to a geriatric memory specialist consultant. She's in complete denial & very annoyed with me. Am getting my brother to bring her to appointment because am sick of being bad cop. Am worried about her driving, her safety (she lives alone & rural), her finances (she seems to go through money like water & we don't know where it's going (takes out cash) then needs us to lend her money for essentials. She does not live a high life or anything so it's very frustrating. Am hoping a diagnosis while scary will make her realize she needs help managing her affairs at least & go from there. It's awful & so sad.

TBH from my own experience, getting someone to admit to early stage dementia (if that’s what it is) is well nigh impossible. And even if they admit it, the nature of the disease means they’ll probably forget whatever they said or agreed to, so quickly anyway. Same as they can’t remember that they can’t remember things - if that makes sense.

It’s worth remembering though that UTIs can mimic signs of dementia and they do tend to be more common in older people..