Visiting elderly parents when only good relationship with one

[CatLady476]

I have a good relationship with DM but not DF, who was emotionally neglectful at best, controlling and borderline emotionally abusive at worst. Both now very late old age,still together. The problem is my DM is now too old to see me separately - going out is too much effort. So if I want to see her, DF will be there. He's not at his worst these days, but still an unpleasant and unstable man, who can flare up without warning. After a fair bit if counselling, I can be polite to him but would rather keep him at arms length. Anyone in a similar situation? Got any advice?

Snap @NattyKnitter116 ! Having a really good DP is such a blessing

Pretty similar situ for me. My DF was an emotional abuser, throughout my childhood. Never knowing what mood he'd be in when he'd get home from work, he'd sulk and not speak for days on end to either my DM, DB or me. Horribly spoilt and angry man. I resent doing anything for him, which is very little but I do a lot for DM as she is pretty much housebound. But there is also resentful feeling towards her because she made it clear that she only married to have children and therefore we should do what she wants all the time so she can be happy and if we don't, the emotional blackmail started. DB is now NC with all of us so it's down to me.

I suffer dreadfully with anxiety and the majority of it is caused by my childhood and when I'm there (I go 2 x week), my stress levels are high cos I'm always thinking 'what mood is he in? What's he gonna kick off about?' But tbf, since DM got ill, he's been amazing caring for her and the mood swings and temper tantrums are very much reduced so I'm often left thinking 'oh he's not so bad really...' 🙄 is that a coping mechanism for me, I don't know...

Sorry, I've waffled and I don't really have an answer for you OP but it's often comforting (for me) to know I'm not the only one who thinks like this. Your idea of cooking is a lovely one...but you're pandering to him aren't you...trying to head off a sulk or similar so your DM doesn't get it in the neck after you leave, for excluding him.

I hope you find a way to cope...creating a thread or checking into the cockroach cafe thread might give you some coping strategies x

I suspect DF would only be offended and difficult. I actually wouldn’t give him this control.

Hope the cooking goes well. Does she get to see her grandkids much? It sounds like a horrible existence for her but at least there are other people in the complex.

I think it's not always bad - it can just turn, IYKWIM. Sorry, can't comment on GC as that would be identifying. Tbh, I get it far worse than anyone else in the family - and again, it's not bad all the time. I also end up thinking, "It wasn't that big a deal/I was blowing things out if proportion/being unfair etc" And then something happens to make me go, nope, its not ok and my body is warning me off for good reason.

@Citrusbergamia I know exactly what you mean about the "Oh he's not so bad really" thinking. What I am trying to do is think less about the possible causes (what he's like/why),which can lead to you tying yourself into knots. Instead, I try to tune into "What effect is this having on me" and "What am I willing or not willing to participate in." Those are often very hard questions for me to answer because I was not trained (inadvertently) to see, let alone enforce, my own boundaries.

Plus, families are systems and our respective DFs have often continued to behave badly because others in the family were willing to excuse/"understand"/minimise including our DMs. So it's not surprising when we don't quite trust ourselves to make sound judgements.

Thank you @CatLady476 good tips

Following on from this, I saw my Mum (and just my Mum) over the weekend. Saw a show and had a meal. I know my Dad would have resented it but I'm not missing out on time with my Mum - or having my Mum miss out on doing things she likes - because of him. I've done this before and plan to do it again.
I still wish my Dad was nicer 😪

Good on you!