Am I being unreasonable for cancelling a visit to my mum

[Member123467890]

My mum (68) was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which has left her unwell. I live 60 miles away from my parents. When she became very unwell, I was driving up to take her to hospital appointments (my dad doesn’t drive so they were relying on friends/family/bus). I was also managing all communication about her health with my older brother who lives in abroad.
I spent most of Christmas/New Years away from my children and by her side when she was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks. Often driving 120miles per day to manage spending time with my husband&kid and parents.

I work full time, have 2 children (3+5).

my dad has suddenly had to go abroad as his sister is on palliative care. I’ve been ringing my mum most days to chat to her but haven’t been able to see her this week. I was due to visit today as our whole family are attending a friends party around 10miles from my mums house. Things unravelled this morning, we all woke up late, the kids are tired (so are we!) so there wasn’t time to visit my mum before the party. I called to let her know and she sounded so upset and is now not responding to my messages. We said we’d come after the party but she’s giving me the silent treatment.

I feel terrible and understand that she’s bored/lonely/worried but I’m struggling under the pressure of keeping everyone happy and looked after.

I’ve asked my parents multiple times to sell their house and then we’ll buy a big house together so they can live with us but they refuse! We’re currently looking to move to a bigger hours that has potential for an annex or spare rooms to accommodate them if they ever change their mind (without any financial help from them).

my older brother is really unhelpful. Obviously he lives on the other side of the world but he’s not very communicative. He’s really disorganised and often needs to borrow money from my parents to keep his family afloat. My husband and I have even offered him 20k to help with his mortgage.

I feel like I’m being crushed under the pressure of looking after everyone. Am I overreacting? If this just what life is like when your parents get older?

Do not under any circumstances give money to your brother.

Do not feel guilty for not bending over backwards for your mother. Her own husband left her to her own devices despite her illness or fragile feelings. She has decided to make you suffer for that rather than tackling your dad over it.

Tell her straight up what you can and cannot do. Tell your dad to step up and take better care of your mum. He had better have a cast iron excuse for not driving, and he needs to develop a plan for the ongoing care he needs to give his wife, one that does not include you basically abandoning your husband and young children.

Be brutally honest with the pair of them - you can give X amount of time per week and no more. If they need more from you, then they need to move closer or even move in with you (separate annex is a good idea).

Be completely clear that there will never be a repeat of last Christmas, and that entitlement, lack of gratitude, or sulking on the part of either of them when you are doing your utmost will not be tolerated.

Text your mum today to say you're sorry she has chosen to treat you so rudely after all you did for her over Christmas, and express the hope that she'll soon come to realize what side her bread is buttered on.

Do not let entitled people guilt you. Teach your mother manners.

The woman has a healthy husband who has made poor choices in the circumstances.

On reflection, don't consider moving them in with you, even into a separate annex.

A flat or small bungalow nearby would be a much better idea.

You don't need the drama this woman would bring to your life at close quarters for the next twenty years. It will be bad enough at a distance of ten minutes down the road.