Am I being unreasonable for cancelling a visit to my mum

[Member123467890]

My mum (68) was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which has left her unwell. I live 60 miles away from my parents. When she became very unwell, I was driving up to take her to hospital appointments (my dad doesn’t drive so they were relying on friends/family/bus). I was also managing all communication about her health with my older brother who lives in abroad.
I spent most of Christmas/New Years away from my children and by her side when she was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks. Often driving 120miles per day to manage spending time with my husband&kid and parents.

I work full time, have 2 children (3+5).

my dad has suddenly had to go abroad as his sister is on palliative care. I’ve been ringing my mum most days to chat to her but haven’t been able to see her this week. I was due to visit today as our whole family are attending a friends party around 10miles from my mums house. Things unravelled this morning, we all woke up late, the kids are tired (so are we!) so there wasn’t time to visit my mum before the party. I called to let her know and she sounded so upset and is now not responding to my messages. We said we’d come after the party but she’s giving me the silent treatment.

I feel terrible and understand that she’s bored/lonely/worried but I’m struggling under the pressure of keeping everyone happy and looked after.

I’ve asked my parents multiple times to sell their house and then we’ll buy a big house together so they can live with us but they refuse! We’re currently looking to move to a bigger hours that has potential for an annex or spare rooms to accommodate them if they ever change their mind (without any financial help from them).

my older brother is really unhelpful. Obviously he lives on the other side of the world but he’s not very communicative. He’s really disorganised and often needs to borrow money from my parents to keep his family afloat. My husband and I have even offered him 20k to help with his mortgage.

I feel like I’m being crushed under the pressure of looking after everyone. Am I overreacting? If this just what life is like when your parents get older?

She's disappointed because you promised one thing - to visit before the party - and are now going back on that for to be honest pretty shit reasons. We woke up late, the kids are tired.... seriously?

However, your alternative of visiting after the party is a reasonable one.

They woke up late and didn’t have the time! Did you read the post?

of course you’re overwhelmed. It’s ok for her to be disappointed but you do not have to always prioritise her. Your priority is you and your kids at the weekend. Breathe deep. She’ll get over it.

It’s tough, but you can only do what you can do.

And alongside you running yourself ragged, your Mum and Dad will just have to come to terms with some of the discomforts .

It would obviously be better if they moved closer to you and feeling some of the pinch might help encourage them to see the sense.

I get a chill wind hearing about your Mum’s reaction to your not visiting before the party. Do you honestly want to live the next 20 years being guilt tripped if they live in the same house? I’d go for persuading them that a suitable place closer by would suit.

Enjoy the party, don’t fret, pop in afterwards, tell your mum directly, honestly and breezily that life with a job and two small kids means that it is not possible to do everything. And just put your Teflon coat on against any passive aggressive grumpiness.

No, that's what life is like with selfish parents getting older.

My mil (mid 80's) is like this. My parents (mid 80's) are not. For mil, she is the centre of the universe and expects everyone to organise themselves around her needs. For my parents, whose health is much worse, they are grateful for help but also recognise that I am working full-time and have my own health issues. They will ask for help when they need it but a lot of the time it is me offering and them accepting.

You're working full time. You have small kids. If you keep stretching yourself like this you will burn out. You will also miss out on your dc growing up as your mother is quite likely going to be more needy and demanding for potentially another 15/20 years. You need to create boundaries. Let her know what is possible and realistic. If needs be, help your parents get a cleaner or whatever help they need. I'm not saying to abandon her but I am saying you need to be realistic about what you can do. You also need to let her know what is realistic.

Edited to add - I would say be grateful they don't want to move in. That has disaster written all over it. I definitely wouldn't be going there. And definitely don't give your brother money. The 20k could be invested for your own dc and help them buying a house or whatever in the future.

She’s 68 , not 88, not a lot older than me. Honestly, passive-aggressive sulking is so unattractive to me,

I appreciate she is not at her best health wise, but unless she also has cognitive impairment., she’s being ridiculous.

Stuff happens. Your visit to her was secondary to the party. Sounds like you do a lot to support your parents, and it also sounds like that’s not always appreciated.

Don’t give your brother money - he is not your responsibility and his disorganisation is for him to fix.

You are taking on problems that are not yours to fix, that is why you are exhausted. Focus on your own little ones, your DH and yourself.

Dont buy big house altogether

Oh yeah, and this.

Do you give people the silent treatment when you're disappointed @TheGoddessAthena ?

@Member123467890 no, you're not being unreasonable. It seems like you're bending every which way to support everyone, and in the end, something's got to give.

I'd caution against moving your parents in with you - it's incredibly difficult to get support if you've done that, if down the line they need more help than you can offer. If they are in their own place, you can tell SS that they aren't coping, but if they are living with you, or you with them, you are deemed responsible for them and end up last on the list ( unless you can afford to pay care home fees yourselves)

I used to work in care where we'd visit families who had very elderly parents living with them, and most of them were absolutely exhausted!

Red flags all over this.
Stay well clear of all living together. My SIL ended up on antidepressants going down this road.
I hope I don’t do this to my adult children.

I think you need to keep your own space not all live together. If they want to move closer to you that would help them to make your life easier. Remember you are human and there is only soych you can do. Would your Mum accept a carer popping in to assist her?

I missed she is 68.

I am 68.

I wouldn't for the life of me expect my Dc with their own small Dc to be running around after me. If she's bored and lonely she can ask a friend over. Or just put up with it until her DH returns - and show him some sympathy.

And hospital appointments are no big drama - why can't people get an uber /taxi if they can't manage public transport? It would have been cheaper than your petrol for a 120 mile round trip. never mind the terrible waste of your time.

Build your boundaries now, OP. You could have 25 years of this.

Do not apologise anymore to your mother it is entirely fine to change plans, she can't be put first all the time she needs to ironically grow up a bit.

Do not buy a house in mind to have them live with you, you will regret it.

Take back that offer to pay for your brothers mortgage, he is an adult, he is responsible for himself, you would be continuing the cycle of financial incompetence, he needs to learn.

Start saying no when you are busy or simply would prefer not to, your mother has means to get a taxi or ask nearby friends, she cannot expect this of you all the time, your children and wellbeing matter first.

Absolutely this . Your mum is far too young to be incapacitated and reliant on you like this . She’s 68 not 88 and needs to be less selfish given how stretched you are .

I expected your mum to be much older until I reread the post. She’s being totally unreasonable.

And echoing what others have said don’t give your brother any money, what could that do for you and your family?

I wouldn't pander to the silent treatment. My mum had form for that so I'd call her on it. "Are you ignoring me? I'm not going to msg again until you get in touch. Hope you're okay, love .... xxx"

I would message her pointing out that despite you running yourself ragged, a visit to her later in the day has resulted in her ignoring you.
I'd tell her to get in touch when she's in a more grateful and understanding mood.

There’s not really an excuse for waking up late if you have a commitment. Do you turn up to work late? If you can’t commit then don’t.

Appreciate this point of view, i think it’s more about my children. I’ve just come off 2 weeks of 45 hour shifts and my children are at the stage where school/nursery does take it out of them. We rush them out the door everyday of the week so it’s emotionally hard to do that to them on the weekend when they’re clearly exhausted (for context my 5 year old took himself back to bed at 9am because he felt so tired). Usually when we visit at the weekend we are out the door by 10am so I made plans thinking it would be a normal morning, however, it wasn’t.

update: we made it to the party and to my mums for the evening. We ended up staying there till 9.30pm before the 60mile drive home. She was grateful but emotional. She did say that the medication she’s on is making her feel very emotional which is why she didn’t feel like responding all day.

thanks for the feedback about the idea of living with them - food for thought

yes I agree helping my brother finically isn’t in his best interests long term but knowing that he’s struggling and his children & wife (who I love) are struggling when we are financially comfortable is hard to sit with - he hasn’t accepted the help but I don’t think his situation is due to financial mismanagement. They live a modest life and he’s the sole earner for his family of 5. They have no family support where they live so my SIL has to stay home with their kids (6,3 & 1).

thank you all for your responses. I do feel better, it’s easy to second guess your emotions when you’re this exhausted!

Your mum is far too young to be incapacitated

I'm sure that her mum agrees with you. It's absolutely shit to have health issues that incapacitate you when you should still be fully independent and enjoying life.

Your post is pretty obnoxious.

She's 68 not 88. She sounds very needy and dependent. Yes she's disappointed that you're not visiting before the party. But you've offered to visit after and now she's sulking.

I'd really think twice about persuading your parents to live with you.

It would certainly be a lot easier for the OP if she didn't commit to her mother. If she decided to take a day for her kids without thinking "you know it is 10miles from my mum so we'll pop in" - as they ultimately did.

But she is a decent human being so she did say she'd drop in - not realising that there was a Tribunal of Commitment that would dock her non-existent pay if she did it after the party instead of before.

OP, you are a very good daughter and you must feel like you are being pulled every way between your mother, your small children, your work and your own life. Don't have your parents move in with you. Don't subsidise your brother.

So your dad can't get your mum to the local hospital - but he can get abroad to see his sister.
Look after yourself and your children.

I agree with this. OP it seems that your parents have assigned you the role of 'dogsbody' they may have done this unthinkingly but that doesnt make it alright!.
I would suggest stepping back and trying to channel your non-dogsbody persona.
It's very difficult, we often feel an internal pressure to obey our parents even if rationally we know they are being unfair.

do you need to work on saying no more generally and putting in boundaries?
sounds like you’re shouldering a lot when you have a very young family.
60 miles is a long trip - definitely not an every week sort of thing unless you really have to.

There's only one of you and carrying on like this is unsustainable. You'll make yourself ill.

And you might feel sorry for your brother but his kids are young and I'm assuming that they weren't all accidents and he and your SIL made a choice to have 3 children, close together, when money is tight.