Should I move mother with advanced dementia to a dementia unit guilt and resentment

[jeanc]

My mother of 97 lives in another country her and my father went there in their 70s. She has run out of money almost two years ago has her own carer 24hour live in and lives in a flat in sheltered. My whole salary every month goes to fund her. I am a single parent in my 70s with an adopted 18 year old still working because of this and did not apply for voluntary severance when it was on offer. I can move her to a government funded place but bottled out when move was organised as huge disruption organising it from another country got guilt tripped out of her losing her individual carer potentially dying etc. she is starting to deteriorate more more difficulty eating but this could still go on for many months if not years. She doesn’t speak anymore we had a difficult relationship. They upped and went to retire there on the whole a good decision but I do not want to go on paying I want the opportunity to retire myself. Don’t know whether to wait or just move her. Read here about guilt vs resentment.

It’s not a choice, you can’t afford to fund her any longer and have to let her go.

Thanks it is about letting go. Financially this is affecting me my future options and my ability to help my adopted child in the future. Has anyone else moved someone in late stage dementia?

She was volatile and rejecting to both me and my child.she scared me as a child. I did not live with my parents since I was 17 but somehow find myself in this situation and having difficulty making the decision to move her. I am an only child.

She needs to move. Make the plans and do it. Don’t listen to anyone who tries to guilt you - is anyone else offering to contribute to the costs? You alone have this burden so the decision is yours alone, and it’s not fair on either you or your child to be financially punished in this way. I know it won’t be easy. You have my sincere sympathy. Hold your ground.

If you can't afford to pay for her care then you are really out of choices. However, at 97 I'd be very reluctant to move her. Only you know if you can find a way or not.

Thanks.

I’d move her and have zero guilt about it. She made her choices and was not a good mother to you.

Move her.

You're not obliged ruin your life - and damage that of your child - for the sake of someone who didn't do the same for.you. (You still.wouldn't actually have to do it if she had, but it's even clearer cut in the case of a bad parent.)

OP, you have funded your DM for two years. I don’t think you need to have a scintilla of guilt over stopping funding her now, even if she has to move. At 97, she has had a jolly good innings, and you are entitled to lead your own life and do the best you can for yourself and your adopted daughter. You need to reclaim your own life while you still have the ability to do so. Put DM in a government-funded place, and move in with your own life, otherwise you will be stuck in an increasingly unmanageable limbo for as long as your DM hangs on - it’s not even as though she knows what you’re doing for her if she has late-stage dementia. She needs to mive, and you need to be able to move on. Good luck!

This.

This, and to be honest, even if she had been a good mother, this situation is unsustainable.