Anyone moved parent(s) to live near them? How did you convince them if they were unwilling?

[ZackyP]

Sorry if this is a bit garbled.

I'm an only child. My mum's a single parent. We live about 80 miles apart.

My mum's in poor and declining health. Everything is a struggle for her. Her house is falling to bits and not fit for her anymore. She leaves the house once a fortnight for shopping and that's it.

She can't use the Internet beyond watching Reform-esque videos on YouTube.

She needs help. I think it'd make sense for her to move close to me - I could help them but also be better placed to organise other help she needs.

She won't entertain the idea.
It'd be a logistical challenge but do-able.

We get on OK. We're not super close. I see her a few times a year. If she lived close, I'd see her more often in shorter doses. I think she'd get out more. She'd have more human contact, even just with me.

If she doesn't move, if something doesn't change, I'm not sure what the future looks like. Her health will get worse, she'll need more help. I can't be there as much as needed for when it does. It makes sense for her to move close to me.

I can buy the house. I can arrange all the logistics.

Has anyone moved their parents close to them? How did it go? If they were stubborn, how did you convince them? What challenges did you face?

I should say, she's not 'elderly'

She's only 70 but in very poor health. She has very, very poor mobility.

She only learned to read and write as an adult so she can read and write but not well.

Does she want to move? If not you’re going to struggle

If you can afford to move her you can afford to support her where she is

What makes practical sense doesn’t always make emotional sense

Don’t rush to prioritise your mother’s care needs over your emotional needs

Does she think she needs help? Is she asking for help from you?

She doesn't particularly want to move but so much of that is because of the logistics. I mean she doesn't say "I don't want to move", she says "I can't move".

She knows it makes sense to move to a more suitable property (even one not close to me).

We had a chat a couple of years back about a retirement village type place and she could definitely see the benefits and was quite enthusiastic.

But there's one and only one of those villages near her that she'll even consider. She can't get a place there because she's a homeowner.

When we had that chat she said she wasn't attached to her house, it's not that she doesn't want to leave her house.

She asks for my help sometimes.
But she needs help week-to-week which I could offer if she lived close.

Most of the time, I offer to help with something and it's clear that if I hadn't helped, the thing she needed help with would've been completely impossible for her and things would've gone to shit.

Example - she needed a new sofa. She can't get to the shops to buy one and can't use the Internet. So if I hadn't offered to help and buy it online for her, she physically couldn't have gotten a new sofa.

I can afford to help her where she is but it's much harder. It's very hard to find and arrange decent tradespeople, for example, from 80 miles away when the other person will only communicate via landline.

There are lots of things she just needs a bit of help now and then which would vastly improve her life but isn't anything you can arrange/pay for someone to do.

I told them if they wanted me to pop in regularly and actually help them they had to move- they had the money and ability to move and no friend network where they were.
I said if they didn't I was not going to set myself on fire to keep them warm, so they would have to arrange carers, shopping etc and I would continue with my daughterly visits but nothing more.

They didn't move. I don't feel guilty. We all have choices.

I eventually persuaded mine by finding a house up the road and saying I would arrange everything (had power of attorney) and I did do absolutely everything. Best decision ever.

She only learned to read and write as an adult so she can read and write but not well.

That's pretty unusual for someone who's 70. The reason may be relevant to your current problem - does she have a learning difficulty/disability, a mental or physical health problem that made her miss a lot of education, is she from another country/culture?

I’ve been having a similar conversation with my dad - I told him I want to ‘future proof’ his life (which made him laugh). In his case, I think it’s time for him to move from the family home into sheltered/extra care. He’s had quite a few medical issues lately (falls, infections etc) and as I’m 40 miles away, I can’t always get there super quickly. Knowing he was in a much safer environment would be a big relief.

In your case, perhaps the assisted/retirement living option near to her would be a better call. It would give her a sense of community and also mean if there were any emergencies, there’s someone on hand immediately. You’d no longer need to help her find tradespeople or upkeep the house and your admin load would be reduced too. Alternatively you could encourage her to move to a similar environment closer to you but as you’re not super close in relationship, the further away option might work just as well.

Thanks for sharing that.

The trouble is that if I say to my mum " If you want me to pop in on you and actually help you...."

Shed say "No, I don't need you to"

But she absolutely does. She struggles to put her shopping away so it all just lives out on the work surfaces. She can't change her bed (well, she sleeps on the sofa) so it doesn't get changed. She can't do her own cleaning so the house just never gets cleaned.

But it's just little day-to-day things she needs help with. My thinking was that I'd made an afternoon a week to pop over and say "what do you need doing?" ATM I'm doing that twice a year so the lists massive and I can't get through it. It's just day to day stuff.

She has a degenerative lung condition so it'll only get worse. It's not so much now but I'm also thinking about making everyone's life easier in the future.

Mine refused my offer and lived 300 plus miles away. I did what I could to visit and support but it was an awful time for me trying to manage a career, family and home and also make arrangements and support an 80 year old 200 miles away. I wouldn’t do it again

She'll only consider one retirement village near her. She won't entertain any others. That village won't take her because she's a homeowner.

But I agree, it'd be a good place for her. She's not sociable so wouldn't enjoy the community stuff really but having support staff there would be good.

No, learning difficulties etc.
She's British l.

She wagged a lot of school when she was a child 😅

She sort of internalised the idea that she was thick and kind of just let herself become a bit thick. Like, she believes she's thick and the Internet is far too complicated for her to use, so she just won't even consider learning. If you see what I mean.

@ZackyP could you contact social services or her GP and mention your worries??

Just tell her that if she wants your help, she needs to move. If she doesn't, that's her decision, but then withdraw. Go and see her for a coffee - but nothing else. Whenever she asks you to sort something for her say 'I'm so sorry, I would if you were closer.' She'll either move or develop her own support networks.

Are there any extra care flats near her or near you? My mum was in one and it catered for a wide range of people, so was suitable for people like your mum is at the moment, right up to end of life care. My mum was paralyzed by a stroke and lived there right up to her death, but other people were only needing oversight. Some were houses there by the council, others bought or rented their flats.

I think some elderly people get to a point of no return, where they cannot handle change, just as they really need it. By the time a move closer to family, change to a more manageable home or even just a cleaner is needed, the logistics or fear of the unknown is an insurmountable barrier. So it often leads to a situation of having to leave them to struggle, because they won't accept help or change their arrangements to make it easier for family to help. This is horrible but sometimes you have to sit back until a crisis forces a change on them. You can't force another adult to do something, ultimately. And they will have their reasons (pride, dignity, security).

Goodness me, this makes me glad I'm childfree! How any adult would have the nerve to tell another adult what to do and when, I don't know. Why are you treating them like 5 year olds? If these "elderly parents" want to stay in their own homes, then that's what they should do, however difficult it is. We don't know as much as we think we do, and that includes what's "best" for others.

Yes but that may be at the expense of getting help from their kids who are 80 miles away. They can't insist on staying put and having the help.

If it comes to the point that offspring are going to have to care for their parent before very long, I think it's absolutely fine to encourage their parent to move closer. As an older person with grown up children, I really don't want to be a burden to them. They work full time, one has children, and if they had to be responsible for my care at the present distance, it would take over their lives and restrict them hugely.

And it's far harder to say 'okay, you have every right to live here to the end of your days, but it's your choice and I won't be able to help you. You'll be on your own' - and follow that through, than you seem to think.

@Miranda65 If they have any expectation of assistance it means it’s very difficult. DH can fortunately WFH so he spent 3 weeks at his Mums when she was recovering from an operation last year. She lives a couple of hundred miles away. We suggested she moved near us when she was in her early 70’s but she didn’t want to. When she had her hip replaced she stayed with us for a month, this next time she had an op he stayed with her. She is mid 80’s now and has decided she wants to move up now. honestly unlikely to happen. If she was down the road it would have been easier for everyone.

My mum (70s) voluntarily moved back to our hometown where sibling and I still live, and promptly fell out royal with the pair of us and couldn't care less about the DGCs, so we see and hear from her even less now than we did previously. Not sure it's exactly a win, but at least I'm not being driven to distraction by her something-of-nothing nonsense any more 🤷🏻‍♀️

In your case, if she doesn't want to move she isn't going to, regardless of how much (you think) she's struggling instead of having things how you'd have them.

There is no way I would ask either of my parents to relocate to make my life easier - and absolutely no way either of them would leave the town they have lived in for 50 years.
BUT, I'd also love them to "only" by 80 miles away. Assuming there is a reasonable road, thats a decent day trip.
That said, currently they have enough cash to throw money at issues - so there is a cleaner, and go fresh is a fairly common evening meal choice.
So, is money available to sort some of the issues?

You’ve very fortunate to be in that position. The reality is that as parents age, they typically become more and more dependent on their children. There can be frequent UTIs, falls and hospital admissions. For many of us, it’s not really about making ‘our lives easier’ but about surviving and not having to be utterly worn out, racing up and down the motorway all the time.

Yes, it’s a choice to care for elderly parents but if you have a loving relationship with p
them, it’s a responsibility you cannot put down. I’m only just surviving because I’ve got a lovely network of people local to my dad who don’t mind occasionally helping out in an emergency. If I didn’t have that, it would be a case of leaving my dad to suffer on his own (not an option) or him moving closer to me.

Its just not possible to relocate sometimes tho.
Their life is where I was brought up, and where my brothers grave is - there is no way they will move.

DH and I have jobs 200 miles away - and for reasons associated with what DH does, he wouldn't get a job near my parents.

So, it will have to be putting things in place to let them live their lives as independently as possible - because motorway dashes will be a weekend only option unless dire emergency. It will be significantly cheaper to put money based back ups in place than have a DH who is as good as unemployed - think along the lines of he's a fisherman, and my parents live about as far from the coast as possible.