Adult children buying stuff their parents don't want or need

[Surelyknotted]

I think it would be good to have a shorthand for when adult children living remotely buy technology for their parents which serves no purpose other than to make the child feel they are taking action.

I think if it can be named, it'll be easier to realise and avoid.

We're all under so much commerical pressure to buy unnecessary stuff and this is a particular vulnerability I think is being exploited, which is damaging to relationships and the environment.

I've searched but can't find a term has been coined for this but I think it deserves one. Please tell me if I've overlooked a term that already exists or suggest a new one.

15 years ago I bought a simple mobile phone for my parents. Just to keep charged and in a coat pocket so that OTHER people could ring an emergency home contact number on it. Think of it like a pocket torch, I said. Something you already know.
It never got used.

Why did I buy it?
Dad was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and had a tendency to go to the village shop and then wander off or get lost. This worsened into walking out in the middle of the night or when home alone, pottering in the garden.

Mum was in denial. She refused to “lock him up in his own home” or “treat him like an evacuee with a label round his neck”. Instead she was worn to a frazzle wondering when he was next going to bolt and dealing with searching for him when he did. People in the village knew him and neighbours helped by driving around but it wasn’t their job. That’s where a mobile phone in his pocket would have been useful.

The last time he was found on the moors curled up under a gorse bush suffering from hypothermia after being missing overnight. The police were involved and that started the process of him being confined in a secure nursing home unit. Mum was a nervous wreck from the escalating coverups she’d felt obliged to do. They’d had some sort of pact to not let the other die in a nursing home.

I visited when I could but I lived a full day’s journey from them in another country. Same for sibs.
So much frustration, fear and suffering. Long distance children only see part of it and £50 on a mobile phone could have been a lifeline…

RIP.

This is the issue for us in a nutshell!

This. Communicate what you would actually like or need.

Is it that you want your kids to do jobs for you? But they’ve bought you a phone instead and got online food shops set up and Uber. But you don’t want this ‘sort of help’

because this is exactly what it sounds like

My Aunt did this with my Granny, she needed new clothes as she was shrinking. Bought her smart trousers that had a side zip, at over 80, she couldn't fasten them.

Please send details of Gertrude Jekyll lecture. My elderly parent would love this!

This. I told DP they needed to replace their 30 year old chest freezer with a more energy efficient upright model with drawers that would be easier to access without bending double. And I would help them find the most appropriate.

on my next visit there was a new, identical chest freezer. It is not frost free so is now full of ice, and full of food as they always order more than they can eat. There is no prospect of defrosting it as it’s do full! So each visit now I have to chip ice off it just to shut the lid.

@NetZeroZealot

https://www.victoriansociety.org.uk/events/?categories=332

you get a zoom link and if you don’t watch live there is a recording available via a different link.

the railway architecture ones were very good.

My 91 yr old clever but lifelong non techie Mum often says things like "X (unhelpful visiting relative) says I should get 'one of these'". I now respond by saying that it's her money, I'll happily facilitate the purchase but X will be responsible for set up, training, retraining, writing out simple instructions in big letters, labelling it's buttons/controls and acting as a 24 hour telephone helpline/visiting tech support as required. Strangely X will then shut up about said thing. I have learnt the hard way after many telephone calls that start 'so, tell me what you can see on the screen....'

My Mum isn't stupid but it has to be understood that in her early years the children weren't allowed to touch the light switches in case they broke them. She's had to come a long way. She also spent most of her life living with someone gifted at anything tech or practical. First thing to start going when he got dementia.

My mum lost all technical understanding due to Alzheimer's. Now she doesn't even understand that when the room hits the temperature the thermostat is set at the boiler goes off until it cools down, or that mobile phones aren't broken when they just need charging. No chance with anything new.

@BeaTwix Does Teamviewer work on Idevices? It's a downloadable software I use on my windows laptop to 'dial into' my DPs laptop when I'm being asked for tech support. You have to install it on both machines, and then get the other user to open it and give you a code (could someone at the care home do this?), and then you can log in to their desktop and use it like your own computer.

My brother is forever buying my dad the latest iPhone and Alexa stuff, smart plugs and the like. He also gets really annoyed that 50% of every visit is taken up with fixing the stuff. And he got so pissed off with turning Alexa up the right way every time he went round, that he upgraded it to one with a screen! That said, Dad has now got his phone, hearing aids and door bell all connected. He mainly uses Alexa for the doorbell, weather and as a glorified oven timer (which is good as he can't work the one on the oven) He can never remember what all the Smart plugs are called, but I can and it's much easier yelling at Alexa to turn on the lights than crawling under a table to get to his old clockwork timers, or sitting in the dark. He uses his security camera as a wildlife camera and his iPhone to play music and for WhatsApp- he's made it all work for him. He also helps "the old people" with IT issues (he's 78) where he volunteers - he says the easiest way to convert someone to the power of the ipad is to get them to Google themselves, their kids/grandkids, where they worked, where they used to live and see what comes up. And did I mention hearing aids - he was adamant he didn't need them and then someone told him he could control them with his phone and take phone calls on them and he was off to get them fitted.

My friend persuaded her husband to get much needed hearing aids when I told her how my DH sat listening to the cricket through his at a wedding. Told her DH and he was immediately convinced of their usefulness.

I bought my parents an Alexa but I need to set it up for them on my next visit as they won’t be able to. My mum (77) is very excited about this. I don’t really understand what the complaint in the OP is tbh.

@StripedPillowcase thanks for suggestion I’ll take a look.

My parent has no IT skill whatsoever.
cant use a mobile. Cant cope with a touch screen. I got an Alexa (echo) and it was tough to set up as the expectation is that the owner has accounts… it was worth it though as it is the only way my parent has digital access and I feel it addresses the inequality just a little. They don’t really ‘get’ prompts and tell poor old Alexa off but they can get some info out of her, can access radio, the timer and the weather! All in all, for a modest outlay, it was a good buy and hopefully makes my parent feel a little more included in the modern world.

Placemarking to come back and read everybody's suggestions properly.

As somebody with a parent with dementia I thank the fucking lord that some of this tech exists.

Only got a falls alarm at present. Seriously debating a camera or alexa type device that I can operate from remotely.

Glad “Techwashing” was appreciated. You might like this 90 seconds from the comedian Tom Wrigglesworth about his dad (BBC). There was a full episode he did about his parents’ tech issues but seems to no longer be on Sounds. Was v funny.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p01lm1zc?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

"I put the 'Big blue E' in the recycle bin"

I love this.

Right to the end, I can see my OH cherishing his collection of drill bits and carpentry tools. And making himself available for ‘odd jobs’.

It's only a good thing if "they" want it.

I agree, the poster you are quoting is not describing a guilt trip.

Get them to practice using it to phone and message you, if you can. And get them used to you dropping in. It’s very reassuring.