Adult children buying stuff their parents don't want or need

[Surelyknotted]

I think it would be good to have a shorthand for when adult children living remotely buy technology for their parents which serves no purpose other than to make the child feel they are taking action.

I think if it can be named, it'll be easier to realise and avoid.

We're all under so much commerical pressure to buy unnecessary stuff and this is a particular vulnerability I think is being exploited, which is damaging to relationships and the environment.

I've searched but can't find a term has been coined for this but I think it deserves one. Please tell me if I've overlooked a term that already exists or suggest a new one.

I'm guessing there's some kind of actual story behind this.. because currently it's just a bit of a vague, confusing rant.

I don’t think there’s a term for it because it’s not a massive phenomena?

Either tell your adult child what you would like them to buy. Or just tell them that you don’t want whatever it is that they have bought and ask them to discuss it with you before buying next time. If you don’t explain what they have bought for you that you don’t like, you can’t expect anyone to know what the issue is.

Are you the parent or adult child?
What stuff are they/you buying?

There'll be a German word for it probably! 🤣

Just use whatever your child has bought you, it will actually help.

Usually technology for older people is a good thing, as long as they can learn how to use it. Not all older people are technophobes.

Is the issue here that these gifts feel like empty gestures from your children?

tbh I think a lot of people try to encourage/help their older parents adopt technology. I do this with my parents and it’s because I want them to see how certain tech could make their lives easier. But maybe they feel the way you do about it - I dunno!

Like what? My children don’t do this.

What are you talking about? I am in my sixties. My adult children don’t do this and none of my friends have mentioned it.

My experience as the child in this is constantly finding myself solving yesterday's problem.

The speed of my DM's cognitive decline meant that no sooner had a piece of technology been purchased it was redundant because DM couldnt operate it. Examples of these were a simpler mobile phone and a simple CD player.

DM was in hospital recovering from surgery but it quickly became apparent that while she wanted these things in the moment she couldnt use them.

I’ve never bought any technology for my elderly parents. They’ve got far more disposable cash than me, they can buy their own technology if they want it!

?? How can you know that ??

You are not alone @Surelyknotted

Everything I’ve bought has been needed and used (and gratefully received) Smart TV and fire stick ; IPad etc the best was a big button remote control which I programmed to just access Dads favourite channels when his Parkinsons had progressed

ElderParentGuiltClutter

Embrace it. I bought my technophobic, housebound DM a laptop for her 70th birthday. She looked excited as she opened it and then her face fell and she said “Oh. I thought it was a canteen of cutlery”.

She now has 15,000 Twitter followers so she must have got to grips with it!

It’s amazing how many problems I find myself trying to solve.

Successful buys have been…
electric egg boiler
mug warmer
phone strap
Alexa x3
smart plugs

Failures include
handwarmers
tracker gadgets for her keys/bag etc.
heat pad for head and shoulders
various electric pain management gadgets
Ear pods
smart plugs
gameboy type device with brain training games that she wanted but never, ever used despite it being requested.

The frustrating thing is we spend hours teaching her how they work, she puts them in a box, then asks how to use them a few months later. Rinse and repeat.
They were often expensive, and seem to be left pretty much exactly long enough to be past reselling or being used by someone else.

She was afraid about living alone, that she’d fall and no one would know. I did loads of research about smart tech that would make her life easier and tell us if there were any problems. She wouldn’t adopt any of it.

It would be helpful if you could name what these items are.

The only piece of tech I have bought was a large beeping reminder for DF to take his daily insulin. It was a failure- as I suspected it would be as he has a very poor memory- but it was to pacify DM who was worried about it, but neither of them prepared to pay for the help that would sort the issue out despite having loads of money. He ended up in hospital and now the district nurse administers it each day.

I did think about getting one of those devices so I could contact them without phoning as they were having some issues with their phone, but decided there are enough people trooping in and out each day to notify me of any issues (state carers and district nurse).

@Surelyknotted can I assume you are the elderly parent and I am the adult child?

If so here is my experience over the past 15 years. I live about an hour away from my home town. Not a particularly easy journey either.

Regular phone calls to check in and visits before I am flamed for being uncaring.

I would say around 15 years ago every call and visit was a miserable experience. Diatribes of how lucky Mrs So and So was across the road because her son/daughter/grandchildren called every day and took her for coffee/shopping/stayed all day and cleaned/gardened. I couldn’t do that as I had my own family and job and life. So yes I probably did send ‘stuff’. A cleaner that I paid for and they liked - for as bit.

Further down the line they were ‘bored’ during Covid. I sent books/jigsaws/games - which they resented because Mrs So and So family ‘all moved back to be near her’.

I reacted to their melancholy and miserable attitude with a view to thinking reading a book watching a DVD might cheer them up. We cannot all get it right and if we aren’t sure what it is they ‘want’ we might get it wrong.

Tech wise I have tended to only provide things with clear written instructions that will help.

In truth if the ‘stuff’ being sent is not wanted just say something. It is most likely sent with good intentions.

My Mum's 80, LOVES tech and is much more savvy at using it than I am

It's a bit age-phobic to assume all older people dislike tech (and all younger people love it, I speak to a young lad in my local pub quite a lot who refuses to have social media as he hates the whole ethos of it. I'm in my 40s and have tiktok/fb etc and use social media a lot albeit I don't think I do it in an unhealthy way).

@Surelyknotted can you clarify what ‘living remotely’ means? One of my adult kids live 4000 miles away but I would not call it living remotely. He lives a full an vibrant life with a great job and friends. Certainly not remote. I have zero expectation of any of my adult children moving to live near me.

Many posters seem to be thinking in terms of tech but that is not necessarily the best thing. My brother used computers through much of his working life but, every time we visited, we had to undo what his combination of arthritis, cataracts & Parkinson’s had done since the last visit. Lots of apps would have made his life easier but he physically could not use them. We bought things to make small tasks easier: cutlery & pens for arthritis, to ease getting into & out of a car, to organise tablets, more stylish walking sticks & most were used. We took our lead from what people struggled with, not necessarily what we thought would be a good idea. One failure (a loop to lift a recalcitrant leg into bed) was barely used but I found it invaluable after a fall. We are now that age.

What on earth are you on about?