Am I wrong to feel hurt

[Teddy01]

A few days ago I had minor surgery for my sinuses. All my family knew about it but only my sister and youngest daughter has asked about me. I have an another daughter and son both in their 50’s. Am I wrong to feel hurt that neither have been in contact with me.

Its only minor surgery, i think your being a bit silly. Its not like it was heart surgery or something big.

I would be hurt as well; but people generally are often thoughtless rather than anything else so just shake it off.

Any surgery is risky. It was probably painful and unpleasant. Your children should have asked after you, even if they didn't want to visit. It's really not difficult nowadays.
Is there a back story?

The truth is they didn’t care enough to remember - of course that’s very hurtful and there’s no excuse for them being so self-centred. Poor you and I hope the operation helps because sinus pain is so debilitating.

My db was like this with my mum and dad. I had to learn that he “loves them” but doesn’t actively care in any meaningful way. I would shield my mum in particular by badgering him to send mum best wishes/condolences on anniversaries and birthdays. I think she suspected I did it, but I never admitted to it. I adored my mum and cared enough for both of us - perhaps more because I saw how crushed she was when her son totally overlooked her. Out of sight out of mind. She left him a small fortune in her Will . I felt he didn’t entirely deserve it! He didn’t even turn up when she died.

Honestly - call it out. Be bold. Call up and say “so you forgot me then did you? That had the effect of making me feel really unloved. Even though other family members remembered and took the time to send me their best wishes, I’m always going to remember that you didn’t - it sticks in my mind all sharp and painful.”

Maybe you “forget “ them in your will.

Of course you are right to be hurt! Regardless if how 'serious' a matter those who care about you should check in on you and not just ignore you.

Being 'thoughtless' i.e. careless about those you love is a horrible, selfish trait.

Why did all your family need to know about it when it’s only minor surgery? Did you need care afterwards, lift home from the hospital and did you get that?

Their reaction will depend on your relationship. I know my “D”M would use a minor medical procedure to try and manipulate us/attention seek but if you have a good relationship with them it seems like an oversight.

OP, when you say minor surgery, if you had no more than a local anaesthetic, your DC probably thought it was akin to going to the dentist. I know it’s hurtful that they didn’t say anything, but in all reality, it looms much larger in your life than theirs. I’m surprised your other DD didn’t remember to say anything - DSs, on the other hand, are often much less good about such things. Perhaps they will both mention it when next they speak to you?

Do they live with you? I wouldn't even share that I was having minor surgery with people outside my home. I'd expect the people I live with to ask how I was.

I disagree. It’s not about the scale of the surgery/ % risk of death. It’s just taking a minute to remember that someone you love (assuming that is true) would like to hear from you when they are having a difficult time. The OP must have been suffering a lot with her sinus pain and the fatigue that it causes, I bet has been waiting an age for the operation so it would be nice to acknowledge and wish her well.

i am sad to hear these sexist views still held - that you can’t expect men to care but daughters should.

And as for it looming large - isn’t that the point? They should remember because it is important to their mum. They have dismissed it as trivial because they don’t care a toss how their mum feels.

I don’t ignore my dc’s worries about their spelling tests even though it’s not GCSE level or I’ve got a degree which was much harder and more significant. I judge how big it is in their own little life, and I show my interest and celebrate their success and comfort them when it goes badly. OK I will actually care more when it’s really is GCSE but I’ll probably show the same amount of care overall.

Yes, I would be hurt if they didn't ask how i was it takes seconds to send a message, familiy are supposed to care for each other, some of these replies are odd and quite detached.

My very grown up Dd had a Drs appointment recently, if she took the time to tell me about it then it is just a decent thing to do and ask how it went.

Depends on the done thing in your family. I would definitely expect to be treated with the same care and attention I would give to others.

I'm not particularly bothered about minor procedures, I prefer to just get on with it and not have a fuss and my husband is the same. I think the last couple I just sent a message (he was out at work) to say all done and went well and he replied to say that's good. I don't think I told anyone else at the time though may have mentioned afterwards.

However I have a friend whose family customs are that someone always accompanies you to the appointment and makes a fuss of you afterwards and checks in on how you are feeling. If that's the usual way it would be disappointing and hurtful if you bother for others and they don't bother for you.

Have you’ve said to them on Monday : I will have so and so tomorrow?
or have you said them 3 weeks ago : I will have so and so on 27th January?
I think you were not unreasonable to be upset but If it’s the latter they could easily forget the date.

Or maybe they didn’t realise if it’s serious . (I have no idea personally). They heard “minor” and thought it’s nothing.
Both DH and I had in the past minor procedures which were under local anaesthetic, appointments about 20 minutes, allowed to drive straight away. So not a big deal even if you are 80.

YANBU. My kids are in their thirties and I am now realizing that having brought them up to be self sufficient, hard working people, I didn't realize that deep down Id love them to be closer and more involved with me. I'm also refecting back on my relationship with my mum, however, and realizing that I didn't make much if a fuss of her at all, when she had various medical issues, so I can't complain. I was there for her when she had bigger issues, though probably not soon enough.

It is hard when you are the child - even at 50 - to realize how important you are to your parents, when you are also balancing your own work, children, husband, friends, dogs, menopausal tiredness . . . My mil was fantastic after she was widowed and built a great support network of friends around her. She was on every village committee, holidayed with her village friends, volunteered and supported others, and received support in return from them. Hoping that I can be similar . . . and that you soon feel brighter.

I absolutely love my mum to bits and would always be there for her when she needs but might not remember this as it is minor and I have lots of stuff going on. It would depend if she felt it was a big deal or had said she was worried or something. I understand your feeling but probably wouldn't take it personally. you could just say ' surgery went ok' - that's what I would do. Tell them even though they didnt ask

Yes although minor it required a GA. I’ve been waiting years for this op after first being misdiagnosed by an ENT consultant. They all knew the date and my daughter and hubby even went on a Xmas present I had bought them on the same day, so not hard to forget. I’d even commented on it last week. Friends have shown more concern and as a lot of you say it doesn’t take much to send a text. There is no back story and we often have family get togethers. I feel as if I’ve failed in raising them to think of others. I may call them out but I’ll sleep on that.

No, you're not wrong to be hurt. I hope you feel better soon.