A huge mess

[madnessitellyou]

I am almost at the end of the rope with my dm.

She’s 81 and almost certainly has dementia. We’d just started applying for LOA but has declined so rapidly she’s not really got the capacity now. She can’t plan at all and is in complete denial about her current state. Df died 6 years ago and her mental health is in tatters; she almost gave up. I tried to get her to a doctor - not least because she’s also forgotten she has a pretty serious life-limiting illness that’s been completely neglected - but she absolutely refused to entertain that.

She sleeps all day and is up all night. Her car is smashed to bits because she keeps driving into things and forgetting. She’s in hospital at the moment and when she gets home (if?) we’re removing her keys. She’s won’t eat unless it’s brought to her and won’t drink either unless, again, it’s brought to her. Last weekend she was so weak she was, according to the ambulance crew, at very serious risk of arresting if they didn’t stabilise her before moving her. I’d called the emergency social work team as I had a number from the failed attempt to get care (see below) and it was the social worker that called 999.

After her last - very recent - hospital admission a care assessment deemed her as needing care but she sent them away so they discharged her.

I don’t want to be her carer. At all. I have a life of my own, a career I love and dc who need a roof over their heads. She refused to help at all when the dc were young and has throughout my life been critical and cruel towards me. I feel sick at the thought of admitting this. I should have been there when the carers first came but getting time off work is unbelievably hard (almost impossible. Please no judgment here - this is case).

She has the means to pay but we absolutely do not and without LoA I’ve no idea what I’m doing.

Help.

No updates. Not really.

Today a doctor called me to give me an update. He started the call with “tell me what’s happened and what you know”. I shouldn’t have, but I told him to read her notes (especially as this was the doctor I spoke to at length during her second admission).

Hospital is trying to say social services have said that I don’t want her discharged because I’m concerned about her being at home. I am concerned about her being at home, which I think I’m right to me, but they’ve managed to twist this into saying I’m angry at social services.

They’ve done a behavioural chart and say that she’s only eating 25 per cent of what she’s offered. The doctor today said she was eating “fine”. My mum weighs 34kg and lost 1.5kg since being in hospital. She’s not eating “fine”. Social services won’t start discharge till planning until a mental health assessment and capacity assessment is carried out but the hospital have said that I’ve said no. I didn’t. Ever!

The senior nurse did come to speak to me and did apologise for the fact I feel completely inaccurately represented, and for the fact that some of the staff aren’t telling my mum her fortifying drinks are there for her - she keeps forgetting she’s supposed to drink them so needs prompts.