I am struggling to know how to deal with my elderly father's depression.

[ThesoundofSunday]

I have started previous threads regarding my parents situation and my (often) difficult to deal with father. So sorry it's long again (I suppose I am just trying to find somewhere to let off steam).

My lovely mum is 8 years into her Alzheimer's journey and alongside breast cancer, heart disease, osteoporosis and a fractured neck following a fall last summer she still seems to be carrying on regardless, bless her.

I had written about my struggles with my father refusing to get help and relying heavily on my sister and I. I had given up work in 2024 not only due to the exacerbation of my chronic health issues but also due to my parents needing my help.

Well, one can only put up with so much stress and I ended up at breaking point with my father refusing to acknowledge that things had become so bad (he has zero experience of caring for elderly parents as his died quickly).

Following on from the posts I had started previously, the advice given and then 4 months of counselling last year I decided I had to save my poor mental and physical health and set some boundaries.

So instead of seeing my parents 6 days a week I took a part time job over two days and now go and see them approx 3, sometimes 4 days a week for around 2-3 hours. I no longer do as much as I was for them. Dad is physically very well for a 84 year old and is more than capable of doing their washing, as much as he resents it. My sister still does their cleaning once a week but that's up to her. I still change their towels once a week and change their beds as dad will never see this is something that needs doing for example:- Me:- "have the towels been changed recently?" - Dad:- "No idea, how would I know?" ffs. I still oversee mum's medical appointments, her medication and my sister and I liaise with the carers and day centre. Any emergencies etc are dealt with by us too.

We upped mum's care and she now has 2 x carers 3 times a day and she also goes to a lovely day centre on a Monday and Wednesday and they even come and collect her and bring her back. I did all this so dad has at least a few days to himself.

BUT...it's still not enough. He moans constantly at the cost of the care and day centre fees. He absolutely resents paying out for anything regarding help for mum and believes the bill should fall at the feet of the government (ie taxpayer). He moans that he has to do his food shopping on a Wednesday as he wants to do it on a Thursday (I used to sit with mum so he could do this but I often have appointments on Thursdays now so it's not always possible). He refuses to have an online food shop.

He is now so bitter that I dread going to see them (currently typing on here when I have promised to pop round this afternoon). He hates all the neighbours and moans constantly and I mean constantly about them all when he knows nothing about them (they are either too fat, too scruffy, too lazy, don't work, work too much, are 'probably' drug dealers or there is something very fishy going on with them....). He moans constantly about the cost of everything and keeps threatening to cancel the carers in the afternoon even though mum is double incontinent. and we have no idea when she may soil herself. Without me knowing he cancelled the carers on Christmas Day afternoon and mum ended up with diarrhoea, my poor sister had to clean her up as I was with my elderly FIL (who gives us zero hassle btw).

Dad will not join anything in the village even though we have all lived here for 50 years and he knows several elderly people here, he won't even go with me (I have offered to accompany him). He wants his old life back where he spent most of his time either on the golf course or riding his motorbike. I want my old life back too and my old mum back but I have to accept life changes but he just won't. He won't go to any friendship groups or dementia cafes (again I have offered to join him for the first few times), he won't go to the GP and talk through his stresses and depression. He just wants to sit in his armchair, looking out onto the road and neighbours and moan and he is getting nastier and nastier with his attitude with everyone.

He is so lucky to have two daughters visit him throughout the week and mum's best friend and her husband also come every weekend. I work with older people and so many are so lonely with hardly any visitors.

I honestly don't know what else to do for him. It is driving both my sister and I to distraction, she feels exactly the same. He hates that I have returned to part time work but I need the money, yet I am still visiting several times a week.

Mum will need to go into care this year, she is going into respite next month with the view to a longer stay eventually but we think this will drive dad further into depression, he says he will give up once she goes into care.

What more can we do? There is no help via SS btw. We had them round several times at the end of last year (I told them we were in carers breakdown) but due to the carers in 3 times a day and my parents having lots of savings they are not able to help at all, they just give out leaflets for dementia cafes, local Age UK groups etc.

Has he seen his GP or is he taking any medication for his low mood? My grandfather was on antidepressants from his late 70's and my mum is on them now from her late 60's. Depression and low mood is really common in older people. He's in a horrible situation and perhaps that might help him.

He refuses to see anyone. I have spoken to the surgery but because he still has capacity I sadly can not arrange anything, they say he needs to make the appointment himself and he refuses to.

Not much you can do if he refuses to help himself. I would redirect the conversation when he starts moaning (mnnn..thats interesting, now how about...) and focus on your mum. I would look into hobbies and clubs that get him outside the house once she has moved into a home - again, he may refuse to go, but brigining them up with curtail the guilt trips.

Oh my goodness, you are still doing so much and he is so ungrateful and difficult to deal with.
I know this suggestion will go down like a cup of cold sick with him but I think you and your sister absolutely have to push her going into care. He might say that's the end of him but actually it might be a (limited, I'll grant you) new beginning. All of his behaviour is to do with fear and guilt.
You are doing an amazing job but you need to shift the burden now. She needs full time residential care and somehow he's going to have to suck it up.
Sending love @ThesoundofSunday 🫂

There is a big difference between clinical depression and being miserable, selfish and ungrateful. He may be depressed - being old and losing your spouse to dementia is pretty lowering - but I’ve seen plenty of older people in this position who have managed to stay reasonably loving and pleasant to those helping them.

What was he like when you were growing up?

You cannot change him and you cannot fix him.
Trying to will send you mad, there is no magic answer.
The best you can probably do is agree "You're right Dad, it is a bit shit, but we are where we are"
He's housed and fed and has people looking out for him, but to him it's horrible and out of control.
You shouldn't berate yourself for anything.

Thanks all. I do try to deflect the conversations when he starts moaning and I know that winds him up even more but I'm done with it all tbh, I don't want to spend my time with him just whining about everything and I'm sure it just sinks him further into a low mood. I try to keep things light but he sits watching TV and is either going on about rip off builder TV shows or the news and all the awful things going on in the world. No wonder he's so low.

I'm truly hoping once mum goes so into care he can find something for himself and I know Winter is the absolute worst time for all of this.

olderbutwiser my dad has always been a bit of a hard to please character but he was mostly fine when we were growing up because he was always doing just what he wanted to, I've come to realise over the last few ywars just how much my poor mum actually did so for us and the household, now the roles are reversed he's finding it quite restrictive!

Have you tried speaking to him directly about this , next time he starts up snap at him and try to get him to realise the sacrifices you are all making.
He has no right to tell you how many hours you can work etc. You are entitled to have a life too. I would maybe even consider telling them you have had to go back full time to give yourself a bit of breathing space. (How would they know?) That would give you some time to yourself that I think you desperately need.

Sickofthis2839

I've said it all to him in the past. It started getting to a point where I was having lots of heated discussions with him and he just wasn't willing to see my pov and the only person I was upsetting was myself and the stress from it all was exacerbating my health issues and making me feel so ill so I had the counselling and took a few steps back.

I like to go round to see mum because I just don't know how much longer she has due to her dementia and all of her health issues. I want to spend as much time with her as possible but it's just awful seeing him so low and miserable but I know that I can't make him do anything he doesn't or won't want to do. I need to accept that I suppose.

I’m afraid the wants and feelings of someone towards the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
He may not be living the life he wants but thats unfortunate now we’re all living so long. Sometimes good enough has to do.
I’d go twice a week. I’d never ‘promise’ anything. Ever. And I’d order an online food shop regardless.

Your father, to me, seems angry and resentful, rather than depressed.
It seems very unlikely that he will accept any type of help with his feelings as he does not believe that he has a problem - it’s all everyone else’s fault.
It must be so hard for you and your sister as your father refuses to do anything to change his situation.
All you can do is hope that the respite stay for your mum is sooner rather than later and that this enforced event as your father will frame it, prompts a “crisis” that will result in some sort of change in his behaviour. It probably won’t, but until the status quo is significantly altered in his day-to-day living, he will just keep getting sulkier and more resentful unfortunately.

This sounds really hard, as others have said I would take a step back. You sadly can’t fix every situation, but you do need to look after yourself too. You sound like you have the patience of a saint, I would have been screaming at my dad by now to be totally honest 🙈

He is definitely very angry and resentful and that saddens me even more because he really is ostracizing himself through his resentment. If he were to accept his position and join groups or connect with others going through the same thing his life would be so much easier. I know there is nothing I can do about that but it is still so frustrating, his stubborn attitude is sinking him deeper into misery.

Oh believe me, I've had some big arguments with him but he just twists it all to make me like the bad guy which is why I had the counselling to find ways and strategies to help me cope with this frustration but it's still very difficult.

You're never going to make him see things your way; stop trying. Don't argue with him - just decide what you're going to do and what you're not, and do it. Tell him you'll be ordering an online shop, so he can hand over his list and let you get on with it, or go without. Ignore his complaints about the neighbours and focus on your mum - or get out a book, or leave. Tell him if he cancels carers you won't do their job - and don't. He won't change. The only way to improve anything, from your perspective, is to stop hoping and stop caring. It's his choice to be like this; drop the rope, and focus on your mum.

Totally sympathise OP. I also think that my elderly dad is depressed, from being a very sociable person (but always difficult and selfish, doing what he wished to do, regardless of what my mum wanted) to someone whose world has become so small, spending all day watching either the news or staring at his phone. Won't go anywhere or do anything to make his life easier. Gets really stressed about the tiniest thing.

Like others have said, I think you need to step back and focus on your mum. Sadly I don't think your dad will change, especially when you've tried bringing it up several times. You're doing amazing and you're lucky to have such an understanding sister, my siblings are useless.

OP
re your comment:
"my dad has always been a bit of a hard to please character but he was mostly fine when we were growing up because he was always doing just what he wanted to"

With kindness there are some red flags apparent re him. Hard to please, doing just what he wanted, twists it all to make you look like the bad guy.

Abuse is not just physical in nature. He was once young and emotionally abusive and now he is old and emotionally abusive. He's always been like this and now with old age he's got worse. If he kicks off leave every single time he starts on you. Depression does not cause abuse.

Have you applied for attendance allowance either for your mum or dad? Not that it will stop his moaning but it would help with the cost of carers.
Sorry if you mentioned already receiving AA and I missed it,

Yes, mum is in receipt of AA.