Toxic Mom now almost 80 suddenly softening wanting to spend more time with me but i’m struggling emotionally

[YourSpryPinkTurtle]

Hi Everyone,

First Time Post.

My Step-Father and Mother were toxic to me as a child/young adult. I have a ‘Golden Child’ older brother who was just as bad.

I went NC with step-father 25 years ago. Best decision ever. I haven’t spoken to my brother in about 30 years.

10 years a ago my mom went NC with my brother after they had a big bust and I was the only one left.

my relationship with my mother has always been difficult as she was always so angry with me and I was convinced she hated me. I have tried to address her behaviour in the past but it was ends in an anger outburst of ‘well I don’t remember that’.

my mom is almost 80 now and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 7 years ago but is remarkably still quite lucid but is starting to have mobility issues she has walking stick but doesn’t like using it. She has now ‘softened’ towards me even starting calling me ‘lovely’ which just feels weird.

Her visits to be every two to three months, but now is more like every two to three weeks. I find her visits stressful and something to be endured and I struggle to make conversation with her.

My husband doesn’t like her but pretends for my sake. He picks her up from her home and takes her back after a two hour visit. Neither of us want to visit her as her husband is a chronic smoker and the environment is unhealthy and we are non-smokers.

To be honest I am struggling with what to do about the situation as I don’t miss her and not even sure if I love her. Does that make me a bad person ?

You can push the visits back to an interval that you are comfortable with. I assume that she phones you to tell you she wants to visit. Say “that doesn’t suit us, we’re not going to be available for a few weeks.” Don’t explain why, keep it vague. You have been conditioned to blame yourself when she gets annoyed, but keep telling yourself that she is angry because she is a self obsessed, angry person and it’s nothing to do with you.

Nothing much too aad to this excellent answer, other than that dementia can change people in unexpected ways, even making them 'nicer'. Doesn't mean you have to feel guilty or do more than you're comfortable with.

Similar dynamic here, mother feels totally let down by Golden balls and after decades of ignoring me suddenly switched.
I feel rather cynical about it and I'm too old (50) to want to go over anything.
I don't feel any loss of upset about my dad dying 3 years ago. I keep expecting it to hit but nothing. No guilt, no regret. I can appreciate the parenting of it's time and the history but it now all feels rather distant and irrelevant. I'm keeping my mum in the polite visits, information diet and ultimately irrelevant to today zone. I suspect I won't miss here, just like she has never missed me only her imaginary perfect children that never could have existed.

I'd cut the visits down and remain at a respectful distance emotionally

My Mum was pretty foul to me from 13 onwards, cold and very calculating over the years.

However now I am in my mid 50’s she has advanced dementia which has completely changed her into someone who is kind and grateful towards me but like you I am struggling to reconcile the split personality.
I try to see it as two different people, this current version being pretty vulnerable to boot.

I make sure she is well provided for but very much limit time spent with her at her care home.

The worst is when the care staff say ohhhh isn’t you Mum so lovely, it’s hard not to say no frankly she was a poisonous witch in the main. Ughhh

If a previous work colleague treated you that way, and started swinging by calling you lovely would you entertain it? A relative was obliged to treat you better when you were a child, you’re perfectly within your rights to step back now. She’s not the only one who gets to make choices.