Elderly aunt and uncle

[ByLemonFish]

Hope it's OK to post here. My aunt is in here early 80s, we've always been close.
They recently moved into a council bungalow where there is a community centre offering coffee mornings etc some days/evenings.

I live a plane ride away so can't visit very often.
Just before Christmas she was calling me every day saying her husband was shouting at her and abusing her. I was very concerned and asked my daughter who lives nearer to visit. BUT when I pushed it further seems they are just bickering and he's just very stressed being her carer.
So, he went to see GP who has sent 'someone' out to help, hard to work out whether it's a social worker, possibly.

My auntie's only interest in life is shopping but husband has refused to take her any more as he finds it too difficult to push wheelchair, which I understand. He bought her a motorised scooter but she couldn't manage it.

Sorry to waffle on but my problem is, she calls me every day, usually when he's out food shopping, just complaining about how awful her life is. She's told GP she can't attend surgery due to mobility issues and has GP or nurse out at least once a week for some illness or other, tells me she's on antibiotics every other week (which I find hard to believe).
I've suggested going to groups at community centre but there's always an excuse, she fell out with all the other residents in the last place they lived. I also suggested contacting a friend of mine in the area who is a district nurse to see if there are any groups she could attend but she just wants me to find someone to take her shopping.
So, my dilemma is at the moment I have my own health issues and these daily calls are getting me down. I had migraine last weekend and didn't answer for 3 days. Thinking about just answering 2/3 times a week, letting her moan on for 5 minutes then saying I'm on my way out or some other reason to end call.
Sorry for such long post. Just so frustrated

Can she pay for a carer to take her out?
But if she can get out with the help of DH/carer, she can get to the surgery.
You need to get social services involved. Who is their NOK, do they have POA and a will in place?

I hadn't thought of that, good idea
Yes it annoys me that she regularly goes out shopping and for pub lunch but tells GP she can't get to surgery

Do they have funds to employ a personal assistant for a few hours a week to take her shopping once a week? She doesn't sound like she's easy to be around. Would she accept any support for her mental health? Antidepressants? She's does seem quite petulant in a childlike way, is there any cognitive impairment or dementia in the mix?
I think it's certainly appropriate for you to protect your sanity and draw limits around the moaning phone calls.
Does her husband have any support systems for his own wellbeing?

I don't know about will, she has a son who lives a 3 hour drive away but she only hears from him when he needs money.

Her husband was on anti depressants but apparently stopped taking them. I think he's just fed up because she's so demanding. Yes, you're correct she's very petulant.
I have suggested to her that her husband needs some support but she complains if he even visits his friends or family. I can't speak to him alone as she's always there when I call. But I think he did take my advice and has spoken to the GP.
Thank you for your reply.

Oh yes they do have funds to employ someone but I don't think she will, she will expect social services to provide someone

You can certainly limit your engagement with the calls.

I agree about her employing someone to take her shopping.

Mostly I would say don’t be forced into doing too much. Just taking the calls sometimes is a good thing. She has a husband, a suitable place to live with potential company, access to healthcare. And she has you to have a good moan to!

So she doesn't want to use her own funds to employ someone, she expects the gp to be at her beck and call, she can't be bothered to socialise at the centre, she's making her dh's life a misery and she's constantly whining at you by phone.
Can she shop online? Will that satisfy her?

Failing that, I think you need to be blunt, tell her that she is a selfish pain in the arse who is driving people away.

Then limit her calls to once a week at a set time.

Telephone to speak to your uncle. Make sure he is able to answer the questions you may put to him- phrase it so he can say ‘yes, that’s right’, or ‘no, not really’.

Tell him you will support him if he wants to insist she spend a day a week at the community centre, or similar.

Tell your aunt she can’t keep ringing, because you are managing your own health crisis at the moment, but that you will ring her at [time of your choice] three times a week.

I have two relatives like this, DM who is still able to get out and about, and MiL who is less so. Both of them expect the GP and various specialists to restore them to previous levels of health and fitness. They would happily go to the opening of a paper bag. Can’t be still, either of them, but struggling with reduced capacity. They are properly miserable and make sure we all know it!

You could ring her GP and describe the situation, ask for a needs/care assessment, and suggest she is depressed and anxious. It’s possible they’d agree medication is appropriate. Mil has been on medication in the past, but DM refuses as there is nothing wrong with her. It’s all the fault of other people apparently.

I think I would meet her petulant demanding child energy with my best approximation of a no nonsense 1900s school ma'am, or possibly a 1950s hospital matron. She doesn't get to brow-beat her husband into social isolation or you into a being passive ear to listen to endless complaints. She might not accept that the world won't bend around her to meet her needs, but that doesn't change reality. There are practical things that can be done to address her complaints (employing an assistant or career, antidepressants, talking therapy). If she won't accept them, that's on her. Be firm while being polite

She has phoned you because other people have realised how petulant she is so no longer speak to her. She is using you as a sounding board and audience because you are the only one or one of the few that still engages with her. I would not bother with her and not pick up the phone to her calls.

You don't need to answer all the calls.
It's making you unwell and you can't really fix the unfixable. Remember, she is housed, fed, has someone at home in case of an emergency.

Thank you for replies, I was feeling guilty but not now. I'm going to suggest she pays for a private carer to take her shopping and I'm just going to answer the phone once a week in future
Thanks again xx

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.