Can’t Take Anymore

[Intothestorm]

I’m feeling overwhelmed and could really use some advice.

I’m going through a difficult divorce involving emotional and financial abuse. At the same time, I’m supporting several family members and feel at breaking point.

My mum is 87 and mostly independent, but I do her shopping, meals and stay with her most weekends. I’m also next of kin for a paternal uncle who has cancer.

The main reason I’m posting is my maternal uncle. He is widowed and childless. I’m worried he may be developing dementia. Yesterday he told a mutual friend that he believes I want, and have started, a romantic relationship with him. This has left me shocked, distressed and unsure how to respond safely. I don’t believe this is rational and think it may be linked to cognitive decline.

I also have a 17-year-old doing A-levels with physical and mental health issues, and I work full time as a Reception teacher with a very challenging class. My blood pressure is high and I feel exhausted.

I’d really appreciate advice on:

• dealing with inappropriate beliefs linked to possible dementia
• how to involve a GP or Adult Social Care
• how to protect myself without feeling like I’m abandoning a vulnerable relative

I really want to bury my head in the sand. Put my fingers in my ears and make la la la noises.
Thank you for reading.

I understand where you are coming from- been in a similar position. I would be reducing my commitments if I were you, reinforcing my boundaries and delegating what I can. At the moment, you are spreaded too thin. Could you re arrange your priorities and just focus on top three - your mental health, your child, etc.? Work stuff - don’t worry about it, don’t engage into toxic dynamics, uncle- Age UK charity advice. Please don’t feel guilty that you are prioritising yourself- women are brainwashed to feel guilty when they are not sacrificing themselves.
You can also find answers for your questions in ChatGPT ( ask to give you answers with UK source references).

You need a carer's assessment for yourself, available through social services. Speak to Age UK. All the elderly people need care plans and support. You cannot do it all.
Can you speak to Women's Aid for support around the divorce? The relationships board is good for advice.
Would ds benefit from talikg to MIND or accessing counselling through school?

Uncle - adult social care for his area, ask them to do a care assessment (be aware that next of kin isn't power of attorney) in the meantime, don't be with him alone. My mum decided I was a prostitute and my husband was the love of her life. It's something that can happen in that their behaviour becomes sexualised and 'inappropriate' You can write to the GP with your concerns but they won't discuss a patient without explicit consent from the person.
Minimise your involvement, your mum can have online deliveries for shopping or local 'meals on wheels' type things , she can have a home help type person if she's not wanting 'care' She can use taxis or a local volunteer service for GP appointments etc . Return yourself to daughter status rather than carer.

Thank you for all the ideas and taking the time to reply. I am finding it difficult to put all the wheels in motion to reduce my care load.

I have got ‘wealth and health’ power of attorney for all three elderly relatives.

I think I know what needs doing but can’t motivate myself into doing them. I don’t want to let anyone down. They have supported me so much through my life.

I also realise I won’t be help to anyone if I get ill.

You're doing too much, way too much. But you know this.
The situation with your uncle must be extremely hard to rationalise as it's so distressing, but this is what happens with dementia. Contact GP and raise concern. Look on the local authority website for how to involve them. Get advice from Age UK.
Get shopping delivery and ready meals for Mum and cleaner, carers etc as needed, you shouldn't need to stay each weekend. You need time to rest.

It sounds like you are near breaking point already and no wonder.
Is there a current crisis? No?
Then make a list of all the the things that 'need doing' or could help. I found writing it all down helped a little. Then out it aside until you feel able to tackle one thing.

Remember that if you set boundaries for your own protection and step down the amount of help you are offering, it doesn’t have to be forever.

You may find that if you step back and get outside help/social services involved, you can in the future use your time and energy more effectively helping where the gaps exist.

Your priorities at the moment should be yourself and your own child/ren. Sometimes we really need a low point/crisis to force us to make changes.

You have a hell of a lot on your plate. You are basically a carer to three people and have a very challenging job, which will likely include a lot of SEN kids and specific needs too (my son has non-verbal autism and functions like a one year old, and was still in reception for a year before they found a specialist placement, so i know what it is like).

I find this a good website
https://www.carersuk.org/

Other charities like Age UK might help with rights for elderly parents

Does your mother gave money that can be used for support in the home/meal delivery?

Does your work understand the pressures you are under? They should recognise what pressure you are under and provide support (easily said than done I know, as I'm experiencing the usual "we really care" stuff at work with my dad being terminally ill and having a severely disabled child, but absolutely no change to my workload at all).

You can ask the council for a carers assessment I believe and they might be able to signpost you to some additional support or put care in place for vulnerable adults. You do not legally have to provide care for an adult, so should not feel pressured to do this if you are unable to cope. Sometimes accessing help starts with saying I can no longer cope and I'm not doing it anymore, so be prepared to do this. It isn't a failure because you are doing far too much.

I would call the uncle's GP and raise your concerns about him losing capacity or potentially having another health problem that might be leading to confusion, and that you are unable to support him at the moment, due to other caring pressures,so they need to maje the necessary referrals for him to access support as you cannot do this.

You need to prioritise your child and yourself. It is hard as you love all of your relatives, but your daughter needs you, and she needs you to be well. I think the rest of the family need to be open to accepting help elsewhere.

You have done amazingly well though. Not many people would cope with all of this, so you deserve some rest.

I was advised ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. Step back and focus on your immediate family and your mother. Are there any other relatives that can get involved? If not, Adult Social Care.

i have experience of the sexualised thing. I was mortified although other people just laughed it off. It’s a symptom of dementia and needs you to step away and get the professionals involved. It is distressing though.

This situation is increasingly common as people are living longer and longer and seems to have become a woman’s burden. We need to work out a way to deal with it as a society.

I think doing the shopping online would help. My mum gives me money for this.
My DD17 enjoys weekends at my mum’s and so do I. I am still living with STBXH because of the commute to work and the commute to school for DD.
The situation with my uncle is my major concern and I know I need to put the wheels in motion. Time to do this is hard to find.
My class, last year, were a delight. Work was an escape from the reality of life. This year it is adding to the stress. School wouldn’t be understanding. I’m expensive and if I left I would be replaced by someone much cheaper to employ. Many colleagues have been pushed to resign or retire.
I will make phone calls tomorrow.

You can contact adult social care online, look up your uncles local authority and there will be an online form if you feel you don't have time for phoning. It does involve taking a step back, setting your own boundaries and outsourcing. As a teacher, you know that you have to organise some children differently and call in outside help, elderly people are no different, but the guilt is real. They are all approaching a stage in life that you can't do it all, so you need to call on others that can.

Very well done. You are hugely impressive as a person, rather inspiring really.

I agree with the other posters. You have far too much going on, too much pressure and weight on you. It cannot continue and the first step is dealing with the uncle and GP. I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts on the school. They will happily replace you with a newly qualified at half the cost, whilst pretending you are important to them. You are not, but you are important to others... And yourself.

The sexualised thing is game over in my book. Time to get the professionals in fully. Step away. It's not fair on you. And that's the key point...

A couple of quick actions for this week:

Email adult social care in your Uncle's area detailing your concerns and cc' GP in.

Email his GP.

Explain in both emails what has been happening and that you are near breaking point and need to step back.

3 PoAs for both health and wealth is a huge amount of work if all three relatives decline at the same time. Is anyone else listed as PoA? You need to prioritise and step back from at least one. Otherwise you could find yourself as full time carer for multiples adults in your life.