Grief

[Whiskyfromsmallglasses]

My 89 year old dad passed on 22nd December his funeral was 8th January. I just don't know which way is up at the moment. My dad had been steadily declining since a fall at home in February last year then in June during a chest x-ray they found out he had mesothelioma. He very much went into denial and refused to accept or even acknowledge the possibility that he had cancer. From August onwards his decline was rapid and mid November he ended up in hospital. He never came home. Myself and my sister spent four days at the hospital. They gave us a bed and a recliner so we could stay there.

Since his passing I've been so busy arranging the funeral, sorting finances and paperwork, answering emails and calls, picking up family from the airport and having them stay with me.

Now the funeral is done and family are away. I'm returning to work on Monday and now I don't know what to do with myself. None of this feels real.

I don't really know why I'm posting, probably just to get it out. Maybe speak to people who are going through similar or have been through it

I have been through it. Almost 8 years ago I lost my mum at 61, I was 23. It still hurts but you will learn to live with the new version of life without your dad physically being present. He will always be with you. I think about my mum every single day. Sending you lots of love & strength @Whiskyfromsmallglasses ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm afraid at the moment I can't think of anything to say that might help, but didn't want to read and run. Look after yourself

@Whiskyfromsmallglasses , I’m so sorry for your loss.
I don’t think you ever really go back to how you were previously after a loss of that magnitude. For some time I think the world doesn’t feel like it fits while we attempt to come to terms with our new norm. Eventually we emerge gradually every day more able to move forward but never the same, forever altered. Sending you strength.

I just want to send you a massive hug and say that you will get used to it. My DF died 13 years ago but I see things that remind me of him regularly and wish I could tell him.

Somehow it feels like the world is all wrong - how can everything be normal when someone so important is missing but you get used to it. I think of it as being like an injury that leaves you with an emotional limp. And just as some days an old injury might ache so will your emotions. But it doesn't hurt the same forever.

Thank you for the kind words. The world is still going about it's business yet I feel mine has stopped

It doesn't go away, but you do get used to it There's a helpful metaphor about waking up one day to find a large rock in the middle of your living room. It can't be moved and it makes life incredibly difficult, then you gradually find you've moved things around so that life can go on. After even more time, you've planted flowers in the rock's crevices, decorated it in your own way - and it's become a beautiful, valued feature in your home.

Go to work. Take things easy. Remember to eat, sleep, wash, and to consciously do small things that give you pleasure. Wishing you all the support you need.

Im truly sorry foe your lost ! My dad just passed away on Friday and I am not coping at all with my loss. I know they say time will heal but not sure if thats any truth in it. I don't think I ever heal from him passing on .

I’m sorry for your loss @Whiskyfromsmallglasses and @Antaes

We lost MIL at the end of the summer. She lived next door and was a huge part of our day. Life is very different without them, it feels like there is endless empty time and space. All you can do is accept that this period is hard, it’s sad, but the days will pass. Be kind to yourself, let yourself feel whatever you feel, there is no right way to be and feel. Go out if you want, stay home if you want, do normal things, do happy things, do nothing, just match your needs. Think about happier times, even if they make you sad for losing them. Grief is the price of love, as they say.

Thank you SockFluffinTheBath!!
I feel so guilty what ever I do ever tho my dad used to talk about when he is gone don't be upset enjoy your life because you will jot be the one dead . It is so long ago always said to him oh please dad you will bw here for ever ....make kokea about it hw laughed...and now he is gone for real ..not coming back ....
now i have to deal with this heartache😢

You’re 2 days in @Antaes your head and your heart will be bursting. Be kind to yourself and don’t feel pressured to behave ‘correctly’ or meet your dad’s suggestion to not be upset. Of course you’re upset, you lost someone lovely. I think when people say ‘don’t be upset when I die’ they mean it with kindness, maybe to convey the idea they don’t expect you to be wearing black and howling in the street for the next 10 years, that you’re not to feel guilty when you catch yourself smiling. Take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and drink, take a shower, and try to rest.

Thank you for your words ♥️

So sorry OP. It may take a long long time to feel better but it does very gradually happen. One day you think of the person you lost, and smile. Impossible as that seems now.

I've been through similar, a couple of years ago. Dad was taken ill whilst out (he'd been coping really well after being widowed). He was admitted to hospital and rang us to ask us to grab some of his things.
They ran some tests which he got the results of when we arrived- he had terminal cancer but could potentially last another year.
He died during the night.
It took me a long time to come to terms with it as it was so sudden.

I’m so sorry, it does feel like a dream sequence. My strong dad was sick for a short while, jaundiced, dramatic weight loss despite eating a decent amount of food. Hospital consultants said nothing sinister. After collapsing at home he passed away three weeks later from pancreatic cancer. As soon as the syringe driver was fitted he was unconscious, or that’s how it seemed. We never said goodbye because we were not told what to expect.

Life goes on, the pain will pass and memories will take over- hopefully happy ones. You’ll always miss him and always love him, he will always be with you.