Advice

[DavidW1968]

Hi everyone. I have an elderly father who was widowed 6 years ago, He is of the generation where everything to do with house running was my mums. To be honest, for the first year he did pretty well. He had a cleaner, my wife prepared meals for him that he could oven heat or microwave. My brother and his wife moved to Scandinavia and my wife and I live around 100 miles away. We see him a couple of times a month, but he will not stay away from home and will not come and stay with us for more than 1 night at Christmas. Basically, things have changed, his cleaner retired and he isnt able to clean for himself, Despite being quite well off he refuses to pay for cleaners or any help. When my wife and I said that as his house was too much for him and that we would clean it, he banned us from his house, It is only the fact that he would have missed the food we provided that he allowed us back in. The house is now a real hazard in my opinion with the kitchen and bathrooms being pretty grim, He is due in hospital overnight and I had planned on just doing all of the odd jobs and deep cleaning when he went in. On advise, I spoke to age concern with my intentions and they said that under no circumstances should I "Invade his safe space" . I have had some quite messages from one of his neighbours questioning why we were allowing him to live like he is without giving him any help. I asked my dad last week if he would let me give his house a quick clean when he was in hospital and he told me he has had a regular cleaner and he didn't want me to do it. Neighbour still sending messages and I am sure it is in my dads best interests, My dad unfortunately has a habit of telling different people different versions of what he needs and what he wants.

Is there anything I can do as age concern had no real advice?
Apologies for the length of the post

My experience is that it gets very hard for people to cope with change or to get perspective on things . My sister and I did some "necessary" cleaning at Dad's and it really upset him, he kept saying "I was just about to do that". Eventually we got him to agree to a carer for my mum who turned out to be a great cleaner and companion.

You might just have to say to the neighbours "I agree but he prefers me not to interfere". Possibly they might know of a local cleaner. It's probably not the cost as much as the thought of an unknown stranger coming in. You need to be a bit cunning I'm afraid.

What's the worst that could happen? Food poisoning? Infection? This would give you some leverage, but you might have to bide your time.

What does he say when you challenge him about the state of the place? Does he not see it? Does he see it but not care?

What is his objection to using a cleaner, when he’s been used to that in the past?

I think for some EP just allowing anyone to do anything for them feels like an admission of failure or that they are becoming dependent on others, my dad is like this - any offer to help at home is met with mild hostility. FIL is the opposite - perfectly happy for SIL to wear herself out skivvying for him 🙄.

At the end of the day though, what are the dangers of this? food poisoning? Many people live in disgusting conditions and it’s not a major threat to their health. Sometimes you just have to wait it out and leave him to it.

Ask the neighbour if they can recommend a cleaner. This might help persuade him if they come recommended. Also, be honest with the neighbour about the situation. It's kind they're interested, but put them straight.
I took the opportunity to tidy (several trips to the dump) my DMs house when she was in hospital for a few weeks after an accident. I was risking her being angry, but it was a hoarding situation and unsafe for her getting out with limited mobility. She was mostly ok with that, but it's now back to "leave it, I can deal with it/I'll clean it"

Thanks both for the responses, You have pretty much confirmed what I suspected. You both came to the conclusion that it isn't really life threatening living in the state he is. It is just so damned counterintuitive to allow him to continue like it. My mum, if she were here would be devastated. You asked how he would react if I challenged him; he gets extremely angry and upset and barred us from his house for 3 months. My aunt who is brilliant and would do anything he asked of her had to host the "neutral ground" meetings so we could see him and he could collect his food.
Thanks again all.

I think being honest with the neighbour is important, without breaching his privacy - ‘There are a lot of things I would do for my father if he would agree to it’ - something like that. Tell the neighbour that if they know of a good new cleaner to recommend them to your dad.

I feel your pain. I've been there. Here are a few things that have helped my friends and I when dealing with elderly parents in similar situations.

Form a united front with everyone concerned. It sounds as though your aunt is an ally and that the neighbour really cares. Be honest about the situation with everyone and get a plan in place e.g. you will all, at every opportunity, mention getting a cleaner or some help around the house. Gently, firmly but politely keep banging away at this so he hears it all the time from everyone. Find a cleaner - give him the number.

Start small. Find one job that really needs doing e.g. mending guttering or cutting a hedge. Say you can get someone in to sort that. Get someone great in and be there when they work. Get your dad chatting to them, let your dad see things improve in one area. Then, when the tradesperson is there find another job e.g. "Hey dad, whilst Dave's here, do you think he could have a look at the lock on your shed?" Your dad might get on with the guy, get more work done, 'Dave' might have other contacts and say, "My mate Pete could mow your lawn mate, would you like me to give him a call?"

A key step forward for us was waiting for a crisis - a fall, a bout of flu - then action has to be taken. Sad to say but true, it's then that you can get bossy and your dad might be willing to accept help.

Remember - don't let this eat your life and peace of mind. He could be stubborn forever and this could go on years. You can only lead your own life, not his. Good luck.

Get the neighbour on side. Saying that you’ve been encouraging them to get a cleaner but [eyeroll] they don’t know anyone reliable and could the neighbour recommend someone?

I presented a united front with our elderly neighbour’s daughter before Christmas who was trying to encourage her father to go into respite care for the week to give his wife a break. My (totally made up!) story of a friend really benefitting from a respite stay helped the situation and they eventually all got a good Christmas. Whereas before the daughter had been going slightly crazy.