End of life? Experiences

[BB49]

We were told on Monday that my 88yo FIL has reached end of life stage, many complications including heart failure, and now a lump on kidney that they won’t operate on due to his condition. He has been in hospital for 3 weeks and is steadily getting worse. They’re giving him morphine at night time to help with any pain. He’s eating and drinking minimal amounts. The physician assistant told us that he has days left.

The strange thing is we went to see him yesterday and he was far more alert than he has been in the last few days, and a little agitated. The same physician assistant said if his condition stabilises like this he could be discharged to a nursing home for palliative care. We didn’t think he’d be leaving hospital if he had only days left. Had anyone any experience? We weren’t expecting him to improve or rally given the days left prognosis.

This is a useful article and it seems common for people to become more alert prior to dying.

My father in law died last summer after a few weeks in hospital, we were told he was no longer being treated for various things (infections as well as heart failure, prostate cancer etc - he was 92 though) as nothing was working, about 3 days later he died.
A similar thing happened with my mother in-law but the hospital staff weren’t as explicit with us as they could have been about the situation, or information wasn’t passed on well so we weren’t expecting it in the same way.

I think every death varies and if possible the hospital would prefer for people to be cared for in their last days in a hospice or their home. But it very much is case by case taking into account various factors.

my father in law had an evening a night or two before he died where he was trying to be very chatty, holding my husbands hand, laughing, crying etc.

I hope all goes as well as it can for you and your family over the coming days.
https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/may/29/what-happens-when-you-die

I didn't experience it with either of my parents but my FiL was bright as a button the day before he died. He was in hospital on end of life care and had a conversation with a visitor in a way he hadn't done for weeks. The next morning my sister in law was calling in the early hours to say if DH wanted to see him before he died he needed to leave straight away. When DH arrived he was still responsive for an hour or so but very soon there was no response from him and he died 24 hours later.

Everyone is different but it really could go either way.

This happened to my 97 yo fil. We thought he was days from death then he rallied. Palliative care team were involved and he stabilised (several heart failure) we even went on holiday!
Got back and the team were trying to get discharged to nursing home so we started looking and he then suddenly deteriorated and died 12 hours later.
A care of the elderly consultant said that 97 year olds were fairly indestructible. Their bodies don't give up easily when they get near 90.

Without wanting to be prejudiced about what you’re hearing from a physician’s assistant, I based on the fact that they’re predicting a short decline, trying morphine and he remains agitated, I would —demand—ask for a referral to the hospital palliative care team. If I were feeling diplomatic I would ask for it to rule out any other possible management options for his symptoms. If I were feeling frayed at the edges I might say that an actual consultant needs to review the case.

I think it’s really hard to predict.
One relative we were told a few months, but they died within days.
Another was in hospital and we were told wouldn't last the night, this was during Covid so couldn’t visit. They didn’t die, rallied enough to go back to the nursing home and lived nearly another 9mths. Towards the last few weeks they’d be Cheyn-stokes breathing for a few days then back to normal, everything I’d read said this was last few hours of life normally.

We had almost this exact situation in November. MIL, 91 years old. Almost unconscious for about 2 weeks. Stopped eating and drinking almost entirely fur days. Morphine, last rites. Then she picked up and is now back to how she was before!

Absolutely this. Without starting on a whole different subject a PA is not who I would want making decisions on a loved ones final hours.
Ask if there is a palliative care consultant and ask if they can see your FIL. If FIL is aware and has capacity all the better.
My mother's final hours were transformed after she spoke to the palliative care consultant.
If they are pushing to discharge him ask for a hospice if possible, not a care home where access to doctors is hit and miss.

Lost my DF in November, we had similar in that there was no more treatment to try for his many conditions so he was transferred to the palliative care team. Discharged from hospital into district nurse care, lasted 3 days at home before they sent him back to A&E.
He was readmitted and made comfortable, they kept talking about moving him home again but he refused. He was transferred to an end of life care facility within the hospital where they told us to expect quite a long decline, he passed less than a week later after showing signs of improvement.
The medical staff won’t really know how long anyone has left when they get to that point, I firmly believe my DF decided he’d had enough and that was that!

Well he passed yesterday, the day after he had the very alert day. Kept saying he wanted to go home to us but obviously couldn’t. I think it was peaceful, he just went to sleep.

@BB49, so sorry for your loss x

So sorry to hear this. Condolences.

Sorry for your loss @BB49 x
It seems there is no certain pathway for 'end of life care'.
MIL was in hospital with dementia, kidney disease and recovering from pneumonia when she was put on end of life care. DH, BIL and FIL were all ready to say goodbye when she was discharged to a care home.
That was 2 years ago.
She's deteriorated a lot due to the dementia, but she's still alive.
She is now mostly sleeping and not eating as much, but who knows how long any of us have in the end.
Best wishes to all x

Thank you. Gosh sorry to hear about your MIL, @Jaq27. It does appear there is no pattern. When FIL had the very alert day we honestly thought he would be well enough to be discharged to a nursing home for end of life care even though he did not have much quality of life, he also was sleeping most of the time and not eating. My sympathies, it is a very hard time for all the family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the alert day is a good memory as you grieve.