No driving for rural(ish) 86 yo mum ...

[DeQuin]

Hello MNetters who have BTDT: my mum has just been told she can't drive any more. She is fiercely independent, not suffering from (noticeable) cognitive decline, and is financially OK. (Not rolling in it, but not struggling either.) She lives on her own in a house just outside a small town (good neighbours, has lived there for decades), and has a tiny bit of help with a cleaning lady once a week and someone to mow her lawn in the summer.

She is effectively already quite disabled as she is not able to walk much (she doesn't have a wheelchair as she is fiercely resistant to them, and can move around the house, and was driving everywhere else and parking right outside doors). Her eyesight is now so bad she is no longer allowed to drive.

What should we be considering? How can we help her?

DSis is wondering if she should be supporting her to move somewhere else (transport links, perhaps one of those retirement communities so she has easy access to people), but I am wondering whether living in a familiar house with failing eyesight would be better. In any event: what else should we be thinking of? Thank you for help and experience!

I'm not quite 60 yet and have told DH that we will be moving into a lovely flat near shops when I can find the right one, probably within the next three to five years. My DM has just had to give up driving about four months ago and she can't go anywhere at all independently. She lives on a narrow road with no footpath on the side of a mountain. Her driveway is so steep that she can barely walk up it, let alone make it to a neighbour's house. She doesn't want to leave the house because she has lived there since I was a baby and created an amazing garden out of what was just a field. Fortunately she has plenty of money so she has people coming in who can take her places like fun outings or appointments, but it's still not ideal.

OP, if your DM is willing to move then I would encourage her to do it and help her find somewhere that will be easier to keep some independence. If not, and she can afford it, then perhaps see if she can have someone to come in and help her. Not to be a carer, my Mum doesn't really need personal care yet either, but if she knew that she had, say, three hours on each of two afternoons a week then she could schedule her life around that. My DM has a cleaner four mornings a week and then two different women who come on Monday or Friday afternoons. So she gets to do things she enjoys like going Christmas shopping or to garden centres or having someone sit and wrap presents with her while chatting.

I know someone who also says she likes going out to do the shopping but struggles to actually do the shop due to mobility. I'm trying to persuade her to have an online shop for boring regular stuff like baked beans and toilet roll and then she can still have a wander round and choose bits and pieces she wants. Then she's not trying to push a trolley with a whole week or two of shopping but still gets out of the shop. I haven't succeeded yet but I will keep trying.... I think she associates shopping delivery with 'meals on wheels' type services however much I tell her how common it is for working people to get supermarket deliveries.

Sorry, I’ve not read the whole thread so apologies if I’m repeating anything anyone else has already said. Some PPs appear to be dismissive of mobility scooters. I know many people who have used them safely and if your mum is in an area where she could safely use it, contact a company locally who provide mobility scooters (Goggle) to maybe go and have a look and try one out? Many towns and shopping centres have shop mobility schemes where you can hire them for a few hours.

The main concern about mobility scooters is that the reason the OP's mother has stopped driving is because of poor and deteriorating eyesight. The standards seem to be lower for mobility scooters, but to be honest, I think being able to see well should be a requirement. There's a couple of mobility scooter users in my small village and they can go pretty fast. If not able to see properly they could be a real danger to others and themselves.

Mobility scooters are brilliant. For people who can see! (And have decent cognition, reaction times etc.)

As @Thewardrobehashangersin said look for community transport. This can vary per area however where I live there is a dial a ride for anyone to use, albeit only weekdays until 5 and a service for older people. This is actually better than my parents urban area where there are bus services but too far from her house to walk to.

check out as well what uber coverage you have if any. Try some trips with your mum so you get a feel for how realistic it is to get a ride. Look for a local firm too however, as someone upthread said too, around me there are one man bands and you are relying on them being available.

care agencies will also take elderly
people out. You will need a longer slot and someone your mum is comfortable
with. It isn’t cheap, I think we are paying £32 per hour possibly more, but if your parent has someone for companionship like mine does, then they may as well leave the house as stay in.

it’s all a change and a reminder of growing old, however with the suggestions above and online shopping you may make it work without moving.

I have seen a few of these locally and it looks like a franchise so I don't know if there is similar near your Mum? https://drivingmissdaisy.co.uk/

I'm late to the party, but my mother has remained much more independent in a supported living place than she was at home. Floors are level, doors are wide, there's a decent sized and well maintained lift etc. She also came from a rural property. I've read your update and I am pleased she is open to the idea.

My mother was also forced to give up driving due to her eyesight, and although she could and did use taxis, even now she'll say how that loss of independence was jarring. Her car was collected from her drive by the garage who sold it on her behalf. She's told me she cried when it went. You sound so kind and considerate to your mum so I'm sure you don't need reminding, but this is definitely a time to let her express her feelings around the losses that come with ageing.