No driving for rural(ish) 86 yo mum ...

[DeQuin]

Hello MNetters who have BTDT: my mum has just been told she can't drive any more. She is fiercely independent, not suffering from (noticeable) cognitive decline, and is financially OK. (Not rolling in it, but not struggling either.) She lives on her own in a house just outside a small town (good neighbours, has lived there for decades), and has a tiny bit of help with a cleaning lady once a week and someone to mow her lawn in the summer.

She is effectively already quite disabled as she is not able to walk much (she doesn't have a wheelchair as she is fiercely resistant to them, and can move around the house, and was driving everywhere else and parking right outside doors). Her eyesight is now so bad she is no longer allowed to drive.

What should we be considering? How can we help her?

DSis is wondering if she should be supporting her to move somewhere else (transport links, perhaps one of those retirement communities so she has easy access to people), but I am wondering whether living in a familiar house with failing eyesight would be better. In any event: what else should we be thinking of? Thank you for help and experience!

Is there a local taxi company you (or she) can establish a relationship with if she wants to get out and about?

I would suggest a mobility scooter rather than a wheelchair, but if she has failing eyesight I’m not sure that’s a great idea.

Would an electric wheelchair to get out independently ( depending why she can’t drive of course), or is she too remote with no pavements?

Sorry I meant mobility scooter

This is why people should start thinking about what they are going to do when they are old when they are in their 50’s and 60’s! I’m not being funny but she’s nearly 90!! Amazed she’s managed this long living rurally! The only thing really to do unless she has enough money she can pay for taxis everywhere and carers herself is really move into retirement or sheltered housing

Might just have to see how she goes, sorry, just seen about her eyesight. You can only suggest what you think is sensible - they’re all different and won’t necessarily take it on board. Speaking from experience!

I often think about this. I think people of that age now may not have expected to live this long with bodily deficits - their parents were probs dead by this age.

What does she want to do? Because if she’s cognitively okay, you should be discussing future plans with her, not trying to make them for her.

Yes, we are discussing it with her as well. She is a bit shell shocked, to be honest, despite knowing this was coming, and is feeling like she doesn't know what to do for the best and is turning to DSis and me (like we know!).

I wondered about mobility scooter as an option and that was what made me think to ask here. (Where does one get one of those from?)

Yes, her parents died in their 60s -- she never had any experience of "failing" parents.

The cost of taxis is very likely to be more than offset by the savings in not running a car - the insurance for someone in their late eighties is probably going to be high, even before you consider petrol, breakdown cover, servicing & MOT etc, finance if not owned outright etc....

I kept trying to explain to my parents that it would not only be safer for them and other road users but they'd be financially better off if they used taxis and paid for home deliveries rather than running a car but they wouldn't have it ...

Taxis, shopping home delivery.

Definitely no mobility scooter they are powerful (I had one but when I was to ill to drive, I was also to ill to use one).

I use a community transport bus to get about does she have anything like that local to her? Its like a taxi, door to door service, they'll even help lock the house up, have a lift to get on and make sure you get back safely. Its also about half the price of a taxi.

A wheelchair will only be good if shes being pushed so useful if your with her, but otherwise not.

Other suggestions:
request a physio and OT home assessment. They can install things to help her, or advice on things she could do to help.

Talk to a charity for the blind, they may be able to advice.

Depending on her home could a bed be brought downstairs if necessary so she doesn't need to go upstairs? Are they're toilet/shower facilities downstairs? Look into things like if the toilets a long way from bed she could use a commode in the night.

Move things that are not being used out of the way. Remove rugs etc as these can be a trip hazard.

Does she want to move? She may have left this too late to be useful as buying and selling is not quick.

Has she sorted power of attorney? Also may be worth getting her to consent to you being able to liase with bank/nhs etc before its an issue.

Has she got set up prescription delivery?

Can she manage online and do online grocery shopping?

Any local groups she could join to keep active (mentally and physically)? Or our area has a befriending service for those that struggle to leave the house.

Most importantly what does your mum want to do? Even if she doesn't feel up to making the life changing decisions now making small changes may help come to terms with it all and also help her make the bigger decisions in the future. When I became disabled (it was sudden and in my 30s) I didn't want to move house but two years down the line I realised it was not a suitable home anymore and we moved. Its still not what I wanted but it is what I had to accept I needed to happen. Making the small changes led me to the bigger decisions.

I’d work out a typical week and see if you can get taxis to allow her to do what she wants. Moving will be a big deal and if she can’t walk much already then she will probably get way more downsides from moving than upsides (loss of people…)

electric wheelchairs and scooters aren’t easy to control. DF’s is a nightmare…

Some areas run volunteer car schemes to help people to and from places. You might also want to contact her local sight loss charity who will be able to support and signpost her to other organisations

Depending on how rural she is:

taxis
home delivery.

mobility scooters can be bought new or second hand. They are not particularly easy to drive and do not turn easily. Unlike electric wheelchairs they are not generally manoeuvre able enough to take anywhere inside as they have a large turning circle.

they usually have a battery that can be taken out and charged.

Has she been registered blind or partially sighted? Doing so (if her sight is bad enough to warrant it) can open the door to certain allowances and benefits.

She may well be "fiercely independent" but is that realistic? Does she (realistically!) need enough help to qualify for attendance allowance? (Whether or not she'd accept that help is a different topic!) AA is not means tested. If she can get it, it would help to offset the price of taxis.

The RNIB and the macular society are both mines of useful suggestions and information. And a SW from RNIB helped my mum get AA, they knew how to word the form. They also arranged for someone to assess her home for suitable lighting, trip hazards etc.

Would your mum cope with using something like Alexa? If you can no longer read, craft, or watch TV, having a smart speaker does give some options for other ways to pass the time. The RNIB also has an extensive library of audio books which can be borrowed for free.

I'd echo previous posters - you all need to be planning ahead. Life will be easier for her at the moment if she's in an environment that she knows, where she can feel her way around and find things by touch, but that might not be appropriate for ever. However, familiar surroundings and good neighbours are big pluses and I wouldn't rush to change that without a lot of thought and discussion.

Oh. Please don't encourage her to get a mobility scooter! If her eyesight is too poor to drive, then it's certainly too poor to be on a scooter, sharing the road with cars or the pavement with pedestrians!! PLEASE don't do this!

I know a couple of ladies in my local town who are carers/drivers/company for a very elderly and disabled people in the local area. Taxis are few and far between

.One of the ladies I know well and she is retired so a few days a week she helps out a lady who has had a stroke. This might involve bring her to a medical appointment, taking her out for a drive and have a cup of tea, bring her to cinema, shopping etc. Often it is just calling to the house and having a chat. I think this lady covers some petrol.

Live in companion?

@Nearly50omg. I did! I was only 48, dp older and I was checking adaptation possibilities, distance to bus and shops. We are perfectly situated and my stairs are stairlift compatible, I hate moving!

if eyesight is failing a small space close to amenities is so much better. I have many friends who live in these (via work) and they are really happy

Is there any community transport? My aunt still drives but she gets a community bus twice a week, once for day care (social/bingo/crafts etc), and the other day the bus brings them to the supermarket and then home again after. It's a great service.

Check out any local taxi firms and see what availability is typically like. It can vary from one area to the next, so possibly patchy, but worth investigating.

If she's no longer paying the running and on the road costs of a car then she could well find that she is quids in using taxis for necessary journeys. Perhaps she just needs to get slowly used to that idea at first so maybe it would be useful if you and/or your sister went with her in the taxi the first few times to build her confidence about them?

Shopping such as groceries can be done online and delivered so that should help. She can then get by until such time as one of you is visiting and is able or willing to take her to the supermarket, which you can combine with lunch out in town etc.

If she can't see though surely she won't be safe with a mobility scooter either? I think a friendly local taxi firm would be better.

My late fil had an account with the local taxi firm which charged a fixed amount for different places he went to. They just sent a bill once a month which we paid from his account (as poa) it really wasn't a lot. And much cheaper than a car

OTOH taxis can be ok in rural areas because you can get to know one driver and you call them directly. Or even a younger retired person might want to earn some extra cash and they can take your mum out a couple of times a week.