Feeling overwhelmed and burnt out

[Channellingsophistication]

My DM passed away last March suddenly. My DF88 is left behind. DF is doing so well on his own, needs a little bit of personal care and recently diagnosed with a condition which means he will need more help in future. I do shopping, washing, admin etc. Thankfully, he has a lovely cleaner.

My DB has a mild learning difficulty and rarely works so he needs a lot of emotional and financial support. He does help with DF. We are both in our 50s. (We are being firmer and stopping the financial support which was mostly emotional blackmail).

DP says it's no wonder I feel overwhelmed as I've inherited two dependents! I see DF 2 to 3 times a week - it's an hour round-trip drive.

I work 30 hours over 5 days having increased recently due to workload (used to do 3.5 days asked to reduce to 3 days with the hope of help with workload and they said no, so increased instead to try and reduce work pressure). Workload more manageable now I'm working every day. (The role had been a job share and when colleague left, they did not replace). But I just feel so miserable working every day and trying to manage everything else.

I also have a teenager at college but he's a good lad. I do all the housework - DP works hard, full time in own business. I could get a cleaner for my house, but I just feel that would make DP and DS worse as they would see it as someone to tidy up after them and I think that would frustrate me even more.

I just feel utterly overwhelmed. As I write this, I'm logging off work now, about to go and do DF shopping and errands and go and visit him help him shower. I'm just so tired.

I know life is like this for a lot of people and in the past I would've coped better, but now I just feel overwhelmed all the time. It's like my coping abilities are depleted. I think it's possibly the grief that I haven't given into. My mum was wonderful and my best friend.

Sorry for the ramble, but it feels good to write it down. I'm not even sure what I'm asking really, other than perhaps if I get some grief counselling, I might be find it easier to cope?

Bereaved, 30 hours paid work, married to very busy person so full house to run, child still at school, 2 dependents including a separate household, including personal care, a decent drive away????? Fuck me, no wonder you are overwhelmed.

I think your workload is making it difficult to make decisions. Get the cleaner for your DF and DB. If it really does make you feel worse, stop it again, but I bet it doesn’t.

Get a care assessment for your DF and separately for your DB. A carer could do shower visits. Outsource anything that someone else could do.

Then perhaps you’ll have a bit of time for counselling/grieving/ taking a tiny bit of care for yourself.

Just give yourself a bloody break, you poor thing 💐

Agree with above. Get the cleaner but put boundaries in place beforehand. There is only so much a cleaner can do. This is about reducing your workload. If your husband and son do less this won’t happen.

Care needs assessment for your DF ; if he qualifies or can get supports for carers to do even 2 visits a day that would be a massive help. Be clear it’s not his choice.
If he needs meds, ask for prescription delivery, preferably in a dosing box.

is your DB eligible for benefits? A visit to citizens advice would be a good starting point I think. Tell him it’s not negotiable, he has to sort out his own finances. Does he live with your dad?

I agree with getting that cleaner for yourself. Be clear to your DH & DS that it’s to release your time.

You are doing great but you do have to look after yourself. And I am sorry for your loss. Losing my own mum was a very sad part of my life 💐

Agree with previous posters that you are overwhelmed because objectively you have too much on your plate, and it would help if you outsource anything that can be done by anybody else.

And that's probably more than you think. For instance, can your dad's lovely cleaner come in more often and do his laundry and unpack an online shopping delivery? Can they take on more of a home help role, or do they know someone who could?

I'd look into rolling back visits to your dad to no more than once a week at least for the next few weeks, as an emergency measure. You can't help him if you're in a state of collapse and the way you are feeling is a clear warning sign. If you tell him this is due to health problems of your own (exhaustion is absolutely a health problem), I would hope he will understand.

Have you looked into attendance allowance for your father? That could contribute towards paying extra hours to the cleaner/home help/a carer.

Agree as well about getting care assessments for your DF and DB but also a carer's assessment for yourself. Speaking as someone who has also experienced overwhelm/burnout, changing the way you do things may involve some feelings of distress/guilt for you in the short term - but it's really important that you adjust how you're doing things to protect your own health, even if that involves getting in paid personal care for your father.

Sending condolences and solidarity. I hope a bit of a reset helps you feel better soon.

As pp have said, no wonder you are overwhelmed! My advice would be to take steps now to help your DF and DB any external practical and financial help they can. Then make sure DB is doing any tasks for their household that he reasonably can do, and outsource as much as possible that DF/DB can't do for themselves.
A social care assessment of needs for both of them would be a good starting point, and a discussion with citizen's advice about benefits they could be entitled to.
You haven't said how DB's learning difficulty impacts what he can do, but I think it would be a good thing for his future wellbeing too to encourage him to do as much as possible for himself. As a start point, would be be capable of doing a weekly online supermarket shop? You could perhaps set up some shopping lists/favourite items to help him. That would mean you don't have to physically do their shopping, which could mean one less visit. Could you show him how to use the washing machine and maybe leave some simple written instructions and/or photos.

This is so much, you must be knackered! Are you getting any support as a carer, local charities might run support groups?

Outsource some of the DB and DF care - pay an agency if funds allow or see if your family is eligible for any benefits if not.

Carers who get a break are better carers. Fill your own cup. Your DH and DS should be supporting you. If they can't do housework ( really?) then in other ways - mental load, online grocery shop, cooking dinner. At the very least run you a hot bath and make you a cup of tea!

Thanks so much everyone for your replies, you have made me feel better. Feels good to offload.

I will certainly look to outsource some more of the load. DP will pay for a cleaner for us and I will set boundaries. I'll look to see what other care I can get in.

DB lives alone about same distance away 30 mins. He can work, he's just not keen. He claims UC but not enough for everything.

I will reduce visits a little for time being to DF, as we do speak on phone morning & evening anyway until I feel a bit stronger.

I'd recommend taking your teenager out for a nice dinner, thanking him for being such a good lad, and just switching off for a few hours enjoying his company... It'll do you both a lot of good.

(not answering the post in any way, but nice to have a son like that in tough times)