Family travel decision

[LittleBear21]

Hello. I'm a long-ish time reader/first time poster looking for objective advice on a family travel decision. I've tried to make the following as neutral as possible, so as to not bias replies.

An elderly family member (C, early 90s), who is generally fit for his age but understandably cautious, has been invited to stay with relatives for several days. The journey is around three hours by train. He has travelled twice this way before, including independently.

One family member (A) who is closely involved in his day-to-day care, feels that continuing to travel by train is important for maintaining independence and the previous established arrangment. From a practical point of view, this also involves around an hour’s travel to the train station at either end.

On a previous visit, C's return train was cancelled, resulting in a wait of around an hour for the next service. He was not alone at the time, but the disruption added complexity and has perhaps made him even more nervous.

Another family member (B) has offered to collect and return him by car. This would involve a one-way drive of around four hours, or up to five hours depending on traffic. They feel this option would be more comfortable and predictable for C and are willing to take on the driving.

Everyone involved wants the visit to be positive and does not want to create unnecessary difficulty or upset foranyone else. But both A and B feel strongly about their preference.

I’d appreciate outside perspectives on what seems the most reasonable way forward here.

Well thank goodness C has you to look out for him.

C may be difficult, and with the benefit of the doubt, perhaps A has grown resentful of looking after his wife’s father. But as C has already said he doesn’t feel up to the journey, your plan sounds good.

Thank you for clarifying OP. I think your plan is a good one. When my parents felt they couldn’t manage the journey back to the UK, my DH flew out and escorted them in both directions.

Modern travel is very much more stressful than it used to be and I’m amazed that anyone in their 90s would contemplate it.

As an afterthought, I notice these aren’t direct relationships. Where do C’s own children and grandchildren fit in?

You're willingly and happily providing respite care. Your FIL should be grateful, not obstructive! What does your DH say about it all, DGFIL's son? Can he argue your case with his dad?

Also FIL insisting DGFIL should return by train if he's fearful is straying into abusive. Situation needs watching.

This^ absolutely
My vote goes for driving.
And I wouldn’t ask C tbh.

You say that the journey is due to take place around Easter. That is peak time for engineering works and replacement buses etc.

Your update is worrying in some way. I think A dismisses C’s needs because he doesn’t want to up his careering plus A is basically being an arse and resenting any attention given to C.
My Mum did this in a way when our Dad was unwell she resented me calling and asking about him and what doctor said etc. She was annoyed that I called. She was absolutely fine with me calling and asking about her health.
It didn’t end well because as a result Dad health issues were missed until the complications were too late.

Hmmm.... it seems that A is for Arsehole!

As a pp has already said, why is this being negotiated by in-laws rather than more direct family members? Is there a reason for that?

And yes, you are absolutely right to offer to drive and also to be pissed off at being dictated to by someone who, on the face of it, is being somewhat irrational. Why insist that anyone (whatever their age and health) must make a long train journey on their own when someone is happy to drive them?!

Thank you all for your thoughts. You’re echoing my concerns, which is why I’m keeping an eye on things, as much as I can from the position of a DIL.

It’s fair to ask where MIL and DH (C’s daughter and grandson) sit in all this.

MIL is C’s primary carer and is a very gentle, loving person. The fact she doesn’t always speak warmly of her father, despite generally being generous and fair-minded, makes me think C hasn’t been entirely innocent in the past. I suspect MIL may have grown up with an overbearing parent. A is very devoted to MIL, which clearly affects his relationship with C.

That said, I currently have no concerns about C’s day-to-day care. He is well fed, his laundry is done, he is encouraged to remain socially active, has his own private space (which A never enters) and has full control of his own finances. He appears financially independent and, for now, could choose alternative living arrangements but doesn’t want to.

DH is a different kettle of fish. He isn’t close to C and would rather he didn’t visit,; but that's largely because he finds all socialising draining in general. I’m the one who invites and hosts C. DH knows that is good for everyone and supports me as best as he can. DH agrees A is being unreasonable on this travel issue (so morally supports me) but won’t challenge his father over something he’s already unenthusiastic about.

Which brings me back to A, who is not an all bad person. He and MIL have always been very kind and generous to me. FIL is also quick to thank me for hosting C and that hasn't changed throughout our back and forth. (It's very much been "do as I say and thank you very much for having him". He's very much an old-school patriarch. He is used to getting his own way and is clearly surprised that I haven’t simply complied. I come from a family of strong matriarchs, so some friction between A and me may be inevitable. My aim for now is to keep the peace while being observant (and learning what not to do from all this when I come to be in A's position).

Before your update, I thought train might be okay, but I now think your plan is good - collect, be prepared to put on train, go with on train, or drive.

The fact that C said he wasn’t sure about the train journey is key. My DGPs travelled long distances (Fife to Devon) by train well into their 90s but had never driven, and went 1st class, so were completely capable of it. If C hasn’t travelled so much by train he may find it more difficult. If 1st class is a possibility I would definitely suggest it.

I think you need to avoid justifying yourself to A. It would be okay to say you feel C is your responsibility for the trip and you want everyone to have peace of mind. You could even flatter A by saying you feel as you don’t know C’s day to day needs/behaviour thoroughly, you wanted to be ultra careful for your own peace of mind. Although in reality C’s wishes are highly important, you and A should avoid discussing that aspect, as you will never agree. You can use the stuck record technique ‘ I have decided we will do x, that is my decision’ or similar.

I would also make sure C returns with a nice gift for A, all washing done, etc which I’m sure you’d do anyway. A sounds difficult but also stressed, so firmness + killing with kindness may be the best approach.

In my family (in-laws) we have a B who suggests A drive C to B’s house! A says no, if you want them to come by car you collect them! A drives them to and from other trips though.

It’s not easy. Good luck.

I seem to be going against the grain as far as I’ve read, but B x 1000. Also if B has offered and the passenger has accepted, that’s as far as it needs to go imo.

‘Maintaining independence’ at extreme old age, especially in the winter, does not require that every one-off journey is done in a challenging way, when something simpler is available. Car travel offers more support and more flexibility. To me it’s not even a question.

I'm confused with the A,B,Cs etc - but he's 90 FFS - go and pick him up if you want to. My GF at 89, whilst perfectly compos mentis and unwilling to make a fuss, was frankly not capable of a long train journey on his own and couldn't have coped with a delay etc.

OK, given your update, I would agree with the car there train back plan to A and Mrs A. I would tell C that you'll accompany him on the train if it seems at all problematic. On the return day I would text the As and breezily say 'oh no, trains are being cancelled! Looks like driving back is the only option so I'll just have to do that'.

This, but I’d let C in on the plan so he isn’t quietly worrying about the return journey.