not visiting narcissistic mother

Askingandanswer · 03/01/2026 07:47

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Mary46 · 03/01/2026 09:51

No not easier. Mine is 80s. I visit saturdays dont particularly enjoy it. No advice op. Its difficult. Then you told she your mam. Negative negative

PensionedCruiser · 03/01/2026 11:06

Kfor · 03/01/2026 07:44

Few months ago, after years and years of "ignoring" nasty comments, I went no contact with my narcissistic mother.

Strangely the things she has done when I was a teen..came back in my mind now, ..when I have my own teens...

I was the last one who talked to her, as my siblings went no contact with her years ago.She lives alone and most old friends cut with her.

I moved abroad 20 years ago (big part of this was to run away from the toxic family). But now I am now travelling alone to the town thats she lives, for few days to sort some things and for the first time ever I wont stay at hers, but will be booking a hotel and telling noone about my trip. I felt guilty at first..as she is alone and in her 70s..but for now, I cant take her comments and actions any more. Maybe one day I will figure out a way.

I know this is the right decision, but it is extremely hard. She does contact my teens occasionally .....as she has their numbers..so I had tell the kids not to mention my trip.

Has anyone been "there", will it get easier?

It is hard, especially as she is so old and alone. But, for what it's worth, my experience is that old age and solitude has no positive effect on tongues - many elderly people believe they have a god-given right to say whatever they want, just because they are old.

@Kfor - you must do what feels right for you. Your health and wellbeing is paramount. Do not put it at risk because of guilt, pressure or a sense of duty. Karma is real and as they say, a bitch ♥️

binkie163 · 04/01/2026 12:14

She is alone for a reason. If you allow her back into your life it will be harder to go NC again, they don't change. My mum was awful, I was very LC all my life but during lockdown I felt sorry for her as she was lonely, a weekly phone call soon turned into multiple calls a day dumping all her drama on me, she was spiteful and nasty. I had to block her and all the family flying monkeys on all devices. I was just trying to be kind and it backfired on me.

miamo12 · 04/01/2026 12:19

Depends on what she supposedly has done, so often I read posts like this and occasionally someone lets on the so called bad behaviour and I’m astonished as it not bad behaviour it’s just a parent saying no to their kids in the past. Only you know what she has done and whether you can live with yourself if she passes away and you have not seen her for years. Not all parents are the easiest people to get along with, my late mil wasn’t but they all now forget that and miss her, don’t set yourself up now for regrets later basically, for the sake of a cup of tea

Mary46 · 04/01/2026 12:20

Hard binkie isnt it. I visit saturdays thats it. Do be glad to drive home though its all zero news and negative

Original poster

Kfor · 04/01/2026 16:54

miamo12 · 04/01/2026 12:19

Depends on what she supposedly has done, so often I read posts like this and occasionally someone lets on the so called bad behaviour and I’m astonished as it not bad behaviour it’s just a parent saying no to their kids in the past. Only you know what she has done and whether you can live with yourself if she passes away and you have not seen her for years. Not all parents are the easiest people to get along with, my late mil wasn’t but they all now forget that and miss her, don’t set yourself up now for regrets later basically, for the sake of a cup of tea

of course..I am.not talking about light things..its heavy/nasty things that I wont go in details. I was living alone from the age of 16 (not by choice)

OP posts:

redskydelight · 04/01/2026 16:58

It does get easier. (2.5 year no contact from similar sounding mother).

Basically what you are doing is grieving. You are not grieving the loss of your mother, but the loss of the relationship that you should have had an now have accepted that you never will have.

Don't go and see her - it will only reopen old wounds. And what will it achieve? Why put yourself through more abuse?

And ignore people who say "but she's your mother ..." . You clearly have not made this decision lightly.

Original poster

Kfor · 04/01/2026 17:17

redskydelight · 04/01/2026 16:58

It does get easier. (2.5 year no contact from similar sounding mother).

Basically what you are doing is grieving. You are not grieving the loss of your mother, but the loss of the relationship that you should have had an now have accepted that you never will have.

Don't go and see her - it will only reopen old wounds. And what will it achieve? Why put yourself through more abuse?

And ignore people who say "but she's your mother ..." . You clearly have not made this decision lightly.

Thank you..this is exactly what has happened..every time I went the wounds opened..I could not sleep for weeks after , etc..Yes it does feel.like grieving...as everyone wants to have a mother, and now that I am a mother myself can see how differently I raise my own kids. I do have an older friend, a bit of a "mother figure" which helps a bit. All the best for you❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

Kfor · 04/01/2026 17:18

binkie163 · 04/01/2026 12:14

She is alone for a reason. If you allow her back into your life it will be harder to go NC again, they don't change. My mum was awful, I was very LC all my life but during lockdown I felt sorry for her as she was lonely, a weekly phone call soon turned into multiple calls a day dumping all her drama on me, she was spiteful and nasty. I had to block her and all the family flying monkeys on all devices. I was just trying to be kind and it backfired on me.

yes strangely being kind does not help..somehow it opens the gates ...Sane I was the nice in the family..💁🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

BlackCrowKing · 04/01/2026 17:30

miamo12 · 04/01/2026 12:19

Depends on what she supposedly has done, so often I read posts like this and occasionally someone lets on the so called bad behaviour and I’m astonished as it not bad behaviour it’s just a parent saying no to their kids in the past. Only you know what she has done and whether you can live with yourself if she passes away and you have not seen her for years. Not all parents are the easiest people to get along with, my late mil wasn’t but they all now forget that and miss her, don’t set yourself up now for regrets later basically, for the sake of a cup of tea

Nah, fuck this. I will not let family treat me in a way I wouldn’t tolerate from my friends. And if they’ve clearly been told and still persist, then that’s on them frankly, irrespective of their age.

Mary46 · 04/01/2026 19:16

I agree BlackCrow and you have ask why they have no friends at 80. Respect is 2 way. Its hard as its years of it too.

Groberts · 04/01/2026 19:26

I don’t think people do this lightly. I have a dm like this. Relentless bullying and nastiness to stoke up her flagging ego. I think what you’re doing is fine. There’s a point where your own health becomes so fragile as a result. You need to stay healthy for your dc. You can’t keep being nice to people who are rude and nasty back.

TheDreamySwan · 06/01/2026 10:22

My mum passed away in November she has a partner and lives in Ireland me in the uk . I too developed an anxiety disorder fate many years of verbal abuse so I hear you . I went no contact a year ago then low contact this year then she passed away. In the past I was adamant I wouldn’t attend the funeral but I did and was glad I did i did my job and said goodbye for the last time . You do what you think is right to protect your mental health and honour your boundaries put yourself first. Your mother has had all her life to change and show you love she failed that is not your fault she your parent and you the child . I’ve had forgive her not so much for her but for me as the anger can eat you up inside. These people don’t give closure so don’t expect it as it will never happen. Your mum has many years yet to live and you need to live for yourself and put yourself first as she never did and never will. It’s a tough life having a narsissist as a parent no one will ever truly understand unless they have had . The complicated grief is also difficult and harder when you can’t remember your childhood and only have bad memories. My advice is put yourself first you’ve booked the hotel good on you and protect your mental health from any flying monkeys she may know . Good luck you will be fine ❤️

Ilady · 06/01/2026 14:24

Your doing the right thing staying nc with your mother. The reality is that you know what she said and did to you in the past. I feel if you left home at 16 and not by choice you had several reasons for this. You also mentioned that she contacts your teenagers via their phone the odd time.
I would tell your teens that they are not to tell your mother that your going to be in her local area.

I have a friend at the moment and her mother is in her early 80's. Her mother thinks the world should revolve around her, her needs and what she wants. She has been mean with both her time and money for years. She has been verbally nasty to my friend. She also left her to deal with and sort out several difficult situations her own.
My friend is currently making plans so she won't be available for her mothers care.
She has gone lc and feels better since she did this. She can't go NC due to certain reasons. She said to me I have to do what's best for me and think of my own physical and mental health.