Overwhelmed by the emotions?

[CleanSkin]

Both parents in late 80’s. DM has dementias & frailty; DF heart failure plus a few other things. I have got it into my head that they are going to die soon - she is likely to fall (does so frequently) & he to have a heart attack, possibly through trying to move her. They live locally, in their home, I try so hard to help & they refuse any outside support even though they can easily afford it.
I dread being with them as I feel like each event is “this the last time that they…” and DM in particular doesn’t recognise this - thinks she’s going to live forever!
I know this mindset makes me grumpy & scared and I don’t enjoy being with them so much which risks ruining their experiences - and they surely only have a short time left. I feel like I’m going round in circles! My priority is obviously them, DC have left home & DH is kind & supportive.
We are going out for a meal tonight to a special place for them & ever since I booked it I’ve been thinking the same thoughts.
Please talk some sense into me somehow!

It sounds like you're describing anticipatory grief, which has it's own particular set of challenges especially if you're trying to deal a difficult present as well as what the future holds.

I found speaking to people who'd actually walked this path the most helpful, either through counselling or experience - carers groups are helpful too to a point, it doesn't stop it being a painful time but you can give your emotions some space to show themselves.

@Timeforabiscuit I have not heard of anticipatory grief until now; it really does seem to describe my emotions. Thank you so much, just putting a label on it helps me to work out a little more of the path forwards.
We had a really pleasant meal, I sat next to DM so that DF could have just a short time away from being in that first carer position.
Putting my emotions into words beforehand definitely helped. Thank you.

There's a stoic practice called premeditatio malorum. It's similar to anticipatory grief but much more proactive. It means accepting that death, illness, loss are all inevitable and they are beyond your control - you can't stop it happening.
Neither can you control when or how it will happen. You will lose your parents, just as we will all lose everyone, and in turn be lost ourselves.
By accepting this, by practising how it will feel, it can take away some of the shock and resentment.

The only thing you can control is how you spend your time with them right now. How you show your love and appreciation to them in the present moment. Ask yourself, when you are with them, what can I do right now? You can be attentive, caring, kind. Stay in the present with them rather than anticipating some future catastrophe that you do not have any control over.

@rickyrickygrimes I love this! I find Stoicism is fascinating, so will definitely investigate further. Thank you so much.

I love this too @rickyrickygrimesand totally understand what you are going through OP. I too feel grumpy but it’s just because I am scared and imagine the future to be awful (my DM has Alzheimer’s).

Thanks for the understanding, @Tupperwarefan- admitting to feeling scared is a really significant & emotional phrase to read, because that is definitely how I feel.

On a lighter note, your name made me smile because there’s a heck of a Tupperware archive just waiting to come into my own kitchen, including bowls that i remember from my childhood… now what are the chances of finding the lids?!