How can we encourage them to accept help in the home from outside agencies?

[charliehungerford]

My 89 & 90year old PIL live independently at home three hours drive from us. They have lived there for the past 60 years. They have both deteriorated mentally and physically over the past 18 months and the family agree that some help is needed at home. The house needs cleaning properly, and food dates need checking as they eat food well past safe dates. I’ve done some research and we have found an agency that has pretty good reviews, that could provide a ‘home help’ type service to assist with cleaning etc. Unfortunately they are not in agreement and think they don’t need any help. They accuse my SIL of wanting to put them in a home, when we try to explain that we are endeavouring to do the opposite, and that if they want to stay at home they need some help to keep them safe. Do any wise people out there have any suggestions on how we can gently persuade them that this is a good idea. Part of their reluctance is the cost, but they have excellent pensions and savings and cost is not an issue, they are just very reluctant to spend any money, to the extent my almost totally deaf FIL will put up with his condition rather than pay for someone to visit to syringe his ears, a procedure he happily had done previously when it was ‘free’ from the NHS. It’s very frustrating, we just want to keep them safe and at home as long as possible, but the situation is now becoming dangerous, I found four week old eggs and two week old rice in the fridge when I last visited them.

I took the tack that paying for help and a stairlift were an investment as it meant being able to stay in the home for longer. By spending x amount each month on help my mum was saving y amount as she wasn’t then needing to go into a home.

When my 80 year old ( stubborn) dad needed care, I framed it as ‘support crew’ which was a care agency . Initially it was companionship for a couple of hours a week after mum passed. I then increased this as he’d got food poisoning twice from mouldy rice / out of date meat. Also he now has dementia so his ‘support crew’ help with meals , showers and cleaning .

A friend is a cleaner/housekeeper who mostly helps elderly people to stay in their own homes. She cleans, but also checks in with people, what supplies are needed, whether any home maintenance is needed. If needed she'll be there to meet the plumber etc. She keeps an eye on what people are eating, suggests more nutritious meals where needed, and will help to prepare them. She sometimes takes people to medical appointments and has often called for help or gone with them to A&E if needed. For those having home carer visits for personal care, she checks what carers are doing and makes it easier for them to do their job. I think she needs to find the right title for what she does, because "cleaner" seems such an understatement. "Girl Friday"? Anyway, someone like her is much easier to accept than a visiting carer from an agency.

Yes, I have a friend who provides this service. Employment is often by word of mouth in many communities, unfortunately my PIL don’t have any friends in the area, they have always been quite insular, although my FIL was an active member of his church and a couple of sports clubs, but he withdrew from all of it around ten years ago. My MIL was never encouraged to do anything independently of him, so she’s not really aware of how people her generation manage, with help and cleaners etc. she finds it all very alien.

The vicar is often a good person to contact, they may know of someone? Also if you google any local Good Neighbour service, they may not be right themselves but again they may know of this kind of person.

@charliehungerford based on advice I read on this board, I applied and got attendance allowance and framed this as ‘the money is for carers’. We started with a gardener and a couple of hours care that left a surplus in the allowance. The care has gradually increased and now surpasses the attendance allowance but we can cope with that.

some people get individuals in to provide care. Some people get agencies. For me it’s a bit like choosing a childminder over a nursery. For the former, you get more of a one to one relationship, which is great if the carer and your parents get on. For the latter you get the support of a bigger network. You won’t be left high and dry because one person is ill or on holiday and you can ask to swop people if there is someone they prefer. It’s also a bit easier to feedback to an agency on service than to feedback to an individual; sometimes less personal helps! The agency we use also provide day care so that is another plus as my parent is at a stage where the variety of activities, contact with others and a hot meal is appreciated as other horizons have narrowed.

@charliehungerford one agency to start looking at is Home Instead.