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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly parent hardly eating or drinking

10 replies

Thewaitingisawful · 31/12/2025 01:19

My very elderly parent has recently been discharged from hospital after a severe bout of pneumonia. We have had to put her in a care home after looking after her at home for 2 years, it just got too much for us.

She's so so confused now, much worse than when she was at home , she sleeps most of the day and is surviving on a small amount of yogurt and sips of tea.
The doctor at the hospital recommended stopping all her meds , (blood thinners , statins and thyroid) which we agreed to.
Shes so miserable , in dreadful pain and doesn't want to be here anymore. We can't stand to see her like this and just wish that she goes peacefully in her sleep.
Sixty four million dollar question, but how long can she survive on hardly any fluids and a couple of spoonfuls of yogurt a day ?

OP posts:
WalkingtheWire · 31/12/2025 01:34

This is such a difficult situation for you OP. My heart goes out to you all.
My MinL lasted 8 days without food and barely any water, after a stroke. She was 96.

Can your mum be put on stronger pain meds? They gave my MinL a box that administered a regular dose of painkillers to help her..

I totally understand your desire for her to go peacefully. I hope this happens for her and for you. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.

Original poster
Thewaitingisawful · 31/12/2025 01:46

Thank you, we're knackered to be honest, I live an hour away but have visited most days over the Christmas break and will continue to see her every weekend once I'm back to work.
She is having morphine but is still in pain, she should have had a hip replacement but it was abandoned as her heart wasn't up to it. She could weight bear a bit before the pneumonia but has to be hoisted now.
She phones 20 odd times a day sometimes during the night and often doesn't speak or is pretty incoherent. I don't mind as I never know when it will be the last time I see 'Mum' come up on my phone.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 31/12/2025 01:50

I’m afraid it could be some weeks or even short months. Phone the care home GP and ask about a more proactive pain relief programme. Could the community palliative care team be involved? Ask the GP. They are palliative care experts but sometimes having more close input from the CPCT can help everyone shift their mindset.

Original poster
Thewaitingisawful · 31/12/2025 02:02

We had a chat with the palliative care team at the hospital, but I'll give the gp a call and ask about better pain relief, although when we last spoke they said they couldn't up the morphine due to the possibility of mum becoming addicted 🙄

OP posts:
avignon1234 · 31/12/2025 02:10

Horrible situation to be in, and I am so sorry for your situation xx. My 84 yr old Mum had a major stroke and was in hospital non-responsive, and we were told there was no hope of any recovery. Had LPAO so agreed to "turn stuff off" and that is what they did, but I did not really realise it would be like how it was. In my mind I thought they would up the morphine, but take out like water etc and things would be over soon, but they don't or can't do that, and so she went for 5 days with us at bedside until she died. I get all of the legalities, but sometimes, could they just let someone pass away in relative peace when the time is right. Again, I am sad for you, there are no words sometimes to make it better x

Original poster
Thewaitingisawful · 31/12/2025 02:20

It sounds awful but we had a note put on her GP record saying no more hospital visits. Then she got pneumonia and the care home called an ambulance (which I guess they had to) and persuaded us that it would be best for her to go to hospital, we're wondering now if it would have been kinder to have let nature take its course.

OP posts:
Shutuptrevor · 31/12/2025 02:22

Thewaitingisawful · 31/12/2025 02:02

We had a chat with the palliative care team at the hospital, but I'll give the gp a call and ask about better pain relief, although when we last spoke they said they couldn't up the morphine due to the possibility of mum becoming addicted 🙄

Go back to the hospital palliative care team and ask how you get her referred to the community palliative care service.

Original poster
Thewaitingisawful · 31/12/2025 02:41

I will do thank you. Daft question but will they get involved as they are still getting her out of bed and into the lounge, I thought palliative care was when death is imminent. The palliative care team at the hospital just spoke to us about taking her off of her meds .

OP posts:
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/12/2025 02:56

Thewaitingisawful · 31/12/2025 02:02

We had a chat with the palliative care team at the hospital, but I'll give the gp a call and ask about better pain relief, although when we last spoke they said they couldn't up the morphine due to the possibility of mum becoming addicted 🙄

I've never understood why addiction risk is a worry for clear end-of-life cases. It's not like the patient is gping to hold up the petrol station to fund their habit.

I hope you can get some sense from the palliative care team. It's cruel to make her suffer.

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