Elderly parent - just don’t know how to deal with their behaviour

[ReallyNeedtoGetSh1TSorted2026]

My dad is 90, and we are just at our wits end with his behaviour.

He tells anyone who will listen that he’s lonely, no one comes to visit him, and never sees anyone. The truth is he has 3 DC, 6 DGC, DGGC, step kids and families, lots of friends, has sport and outings every day and a girlfriend and other women he sees.

He lives in a large 4-bed house, packed to the brim with crap.

He’s not mobile. He is awaiting a hip replacement and has been unwell. He fell down half his stairs and hurt himself. He leaves the gas on.

We have asked him to move somewhere more suitable with our help but flat refuses. He can hardly get up the stairs to go to bed or the toilet. We’ve offered to do everything for a move.

He’s telling everyone he gets no help from us. We work FT, don’t live nearby and have families to look after. We do what we can but he won’t help himself.

He’s also doing bonkers stuff. He has an entourage of people he’s recruited for sympathy; neighbours, people working in shops (all women) and the most bizarre, women working or part of religious groups who he has reached out to, and “pray for him”. I think he’s having cognitive issues.

He came to stay with me for a week over Christmas but is now back home and unwell. I can’t deal with this remotely.

All this would be solved if he moved somewhere smaller with no stairs and someone on reception or managing the flats.

I just don’t know what to do. I cannot go into 2026 like this. Last year was awful.

I’m now thinking I need to speak to his doctor and possibly get some sort of intervention, but I don’t know what.

Please advise.

The intervention he needs is you stepping back.
He’s enjoying this attention thats for sure.
Let him reach out to all and sundry. It proves that he knows how to communicate, even when laid up.
And don’t feel guilty. This phase could last a couple of years. Let him carry on with his circus because while he’s still able to play people off, he’s reasonably well and not struggling .

Can you let him know that his comments hurt and offend you? Maybe he needs to be told that this is getting back to you and you find it hurtful that he's painting this picture and refusing offers to enhance his life.

I feel for you @ReallyNeedtoGetSh1TSorted2026. My Dad (87) has also told people that I have been unsupportive at times and have done things that I absolutely haven’t! The rest of the family and close friends know that it’s all untrue, but I expect some random people think I’m horrible.

I’m not sure what to advise tbh, some people
seem to enjoy making other people feel sorry for them. I’m an only child and my Dad’s widowed so when he’s grumpy, I suppose I’m only available target now. He used to grumble to me about my late SM sometimes. 🤷

Making Contact with his GP is a good idea. Be clear that you are not expecting them to discuss your dad with you, but let them know you are around and involved with him as far as distance/other commitments will allow. Let them know your concerns for his safety and well-being.Give them your contact details. A good GP will accept the information. They might even make a referral to social services to see if there is any other help he can get.
Do you have power of attorney at all? If not, could you discuss this with your dad?

On discharge, was he supposed to be living downstairs in a micro environment? Is he mobile at all - is he trying the stairs even though he’s high risk? Do you think he remembers what the limitations are?

I agree his cognition sounds impaired. Maybe ask the GP for a memory clinic referral?

Hes not going to have a sudden revelation that he should put on a brave front. Tbh it sounds to me as if he’s nearer a care home than supported living, though obviously I haven’t seen him. Did the hospital occupational therapist talk you through their advice?

I also was going to suggest micro-living. See if he will accept a ‘temporary whilst you await the hip op’ situation of having a bed downstairs near to an armchair, small table, commode/loo, even small kettle, fridge, microwave. Hopefully he will see this makes his life easier and safer.

This. Stop pandering to him. Stop letting him guilt you into worrying. You openly admit he has a lot of people available to help him. Let them get on with it.

Decide what part of your life you are willing to commit to him, and stick to it - four weekends a year, and a phone call every two weeks perhaps?

My f was the same. In his mind, a dutiful daughter would live with him full time, not marry, not have a career, commit themselves to caring for him full time, and have no life of her own. I decided at about 10 that I was not willing to do that, and f would tell anyone who would listen what a selfish creature I was, from that point onwards.

He chooses how he wants to live. It is his call

I also think you should step back.

If he becomes open to help, great. But until then, there’s not much you can do.

My f was the same. In his mind, a dutiful daughter would live with him full time, not marry, not have a career, commit themselves to caring for him full time, and have no life of her own.

@Meadowfinch That’s my Dad’s attitude, except he’d also think less of me if I didn’t have a family and career! I’m just supposed to be Wonder Woman!

He sounds manipulative and as if he's lieing for attention. A little forgetful perhaps but no sign of serious cognitive decline.

It's hard for you to see, but you have to respect his right to make his own decisions in life. He has the right to make unwise choices, the same as anyone else.

There's nothing for you to deal with, except your own mental outlook on it all. He's made his choices and is getting on with his life. You don't have to understand it or like it, you just got to accept it.

Don't run yourself ragged trying to fix things that he doesn't see as a problem or rush to fix the consequences of his choices if something goes wrong. You're not responsible for him or for bailing him out of the consequences of unwise choices.

Don't put him at the centre of your life. He's managed to get enough people doing that already! Live your life how you see fit, including how much time and attention you give to him. Outside of that, you mind your own business and leave him to mind his.

If neighbours etc say anything to you, depending on whether they're concerned or judgemental, I'd be telling them either that he's eccentric and inclined to exaggeration or straight up saying that he's a liar.

He needs a social worker. The most important thing is to get the has turned off to the cooker/replace with electric or microwave, airfreight, hotplate etc.

I would also be rather wary of these random people he is confiding in. I’d try to get some oversight of his financial affairs and possibly monitor his transaction. Sadly, there are too many unscrupulous people out there who might take advantage.
you could try to get a referral to the local adult social care dept but that won’t be an instant fix. Is he under any physio or occupational health dept? Maybe a home assessment could help and he might take it more seriously if it came from a professional.

He hasn’t been in hospital yet. He’s waiting an operation.

He had some minor surgery last year as an in patient. The way he acted/ has acted since, you would think he had been diagnosed with a deadly disease. Either way what he had, he doesn’t even need to go back for a check up. He’s had people “praying for him”. On Christmas Day he spent the whole day in and out taking calls and messsges from devote Christian women thinking of poor him and his afflictions.

So right now he’s not well. I’ve had calls from neighbours saying he’s in a bad way. They don’t know the back story. They only see that he’s struggling these last 2 days. He could’ve stayed with me, but didn’t want to. Apparently he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink and can’t get up the stairs.

What am I supposed to do now? Take time off work, leave my kids and go up there again and look after him? Is this my life now. Am I meant to go live there and be his full time carer, oh whilst he still does all the social stuff.

I just feel like this man is steering me toward a mental breakdown, stroke or car crash on the motorway, This is his impact on me.

I’ll have to deal with him this morning, when he eventually gets up about 10-11am. I’m thinking I see how he is, and if he still is ill then I’ll call his doctor or 111. If he’s that ill, then I’ll tell him he needs to be admitted to a hospital. Once he feels better I’m going to tell him he needs to move for his own safety and if he won’t then I’m done. I’ll phone his doctor and social services and they can tell him.

I cannot do this every f*cking day. I’m dreading 2026 now.

You said in your OP that he has 3 DC. Time for a bit of a family conference. If you are bearing the brunt because maybe you’re the oldest, or maybe you’re the only daughter then have none of it. Whatever happens going ahead it has to be with input from all 3, for two reasons (a) it’s not fair on you (or your dc or your job) to carry the burden and (b) whatever the outcomes in the longer term leave no room for recriminations from the others. So make the call now - “he’s not well, when will you arrive”. I’m not saying don’t go yourself, but things are changing now in terms of his physical condition, and new tactics are needed.
I hope you are able to get a GP to him, I don’t envy you the stress and worry today but maybe this is the beginning of him accessing the services he needs.

Yep this.

Close ranks. Come to a joint decision.

Do not do more than you can. If he needs more you say 'well you need a carer for that, and I can't do that because I have other responsibilities I can't avoid'. And just repeat.

He ultimately will have a crisis at some point where it will come to a head and decisions will be taken away from him and he won't be in control of the situation.

Right now he still has control of those decisions. He needs reminding by all of you that he'd be wise to make decisions on his own terms before then because he really won't like the alternatives.

Don't negotiate with him. Tell him what you can and can't do. And you can't carry on like this.

As op have said I would contact his GP.

Do you or your siblings have POA for him - both medical and financial? While he is telling all and sundry how lonely he is, there may be some who would take advantage of this.

You have all my empathy! Definitely agree you need to find a way to manage your guilt and set strong boundaries.
Adult social services are your friends in this situation. Your dad needs a care needs assessment: https://www.independentage.org/get-advice/first-steps-getting-help-your-care-needs-england-and-wales

His behaviour and his lies would make me pull right back. He's telling everyone that you do nothing. Make that a reality and don't feel guilty.

There are loads of other people in the family that could step up. You have two siblings and he has grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They seem happy leaving it all to you. Turn the tables on them. Make him rely on them for a change.

What am I supposed to do now? Take time off work, leave my kids and go up there again and look after him? Is this my life now. Am I meant to go live there and be his full time carer, oh whilst he still does all the social stuff.

Definitely don't do this.

He has all these friends, time for them to step up. If he's immobile he can have one of them pop in several times a day, it's not a bother if one person only visits once or twice a week is it, if they all do that he'll have a constant string of visitors to help out without burdening any one person too much.

He's made his bed and he needs to lie in it. Contact social services about him and then put it out of your mind while you wait until he's had his care assessment. If he's as stubborn as he seems, he'll turn down carers anyway, so it'll be a waste of everyone's time.

You've not mentioned any particular money worries so if he needs a commode or something all of a sudden and can't wait for an assessment then he'll need to purchase one himself. Alternatively he'll need to be helped to get upstairs and then stay up there, if that's where the toilet is. He can give neighbour a key so visitors can let themselves in to bring him food. He can give them a little money so they can shop for him when they do their own or he can order online and have one of his friends put it away for him.

Think of it this way, not everyone has children or any family they're in touch with, what would he do then? All these expectations on you just because you happen to exist are just other people trying make their own lives easier.

When they call, tell them "I can visit next Wednesday at 4pm" or whatever, and when they say that's no good, tell them they'll have to think of another solution then. Because that's what they'd have to do if you didn't exist.

It will all come to a head when he goes into hospital. Just make sure the hospital knows you aren't his carer because he's possibly going to tell them you are and then everyone will try to guilt trip you into doing it. Just say no. Then if he says all his many friends are going to look after him and they agreed, he/you can hold them to that guilt-free. The alternative is the social workers aren't happy with his discharge situation and he goes into a home at least for the rehabilitation period. If he's going to be a dick about it all then leave it between him and them and keep yourself out of it.

If you need to reduce your visits or start screening your calls and ignoring the ones where you can't help them (forcing the neighbours/him to do something else other than rely on you) because your mental health is declining, then do it. Permanently if necessary.

90 is an incredible age, sorry to be blunt but you don't have to sacrifice yourself to keep him alive even longer, that's against the natural order of things. You're allowed to prioritise your own health, it's not selfish or a luxury, it's a necessity.

THIS!

Be especially wary of his coterie of devoted church women.

Do you have PoA?

You don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings. My situation with elderly parents is different but was ( and still is to an extent) dragging me down mentally as I lived on edge for every phone call. I unattached my phone from my fitbit and put it on silent if I feel I can’t cope with calls. I check who is calling and only answer if I am up to it, DH often fields calls.
And no please don’t give up your life. In my situation there is just me and DH so we do what we can from an hour away. It sounds like there are loads of relatives so you could work out some split that wasn’t too onerous. But getting social care involved is the way forward, your DF is likely eligible for attendance allowance which would pay for someone to come a couple of times a week.

Now I get why people buy stuff with "Best Dad", "Best granddad" and so on. Leave fresh flowers with a great big tag and write post-its all over the house so he has tangible reminder that you do visit. My ER literally forgets.

Before pursuing a move to a bungalow or a one floor apartment, take a serious look at the costs, agents’ fees, removal company , stamp duty etc. The major problem apart from the ‘cargo’ seems to be his inability to use the stairs.
Could you put in a lift? Not a stair lift a real one. We had one installed very recently and it is absolutely fantastic. Not cheap but compared with all the expense and bother of moving house it is a no-brainer.