Can’t cope with sudden unexpected carer duties, feeling angry and guilty and worried

[Footache83]

More of a moan than anything else. My elderly father’s primary carer was suddenly taken into hospital last week and is likely to be out of action for 4-8 weeks due to emergency surgery. My father is 87, and is an alcoholic with several serious health and mobility issues. He cannot live or cope alone, and is a constant fall risk and is doubly incontinent but refuses to wear adult nappies.

I live nearby, but have several primary school kids, am the main breadwinner and work long hours in an extremely stressful job. Since my father’s main carer went into hospital, I’ve been bringing him to my house for a few hours each day, but won’t let him stay due to the alcohol. He can be very difficult.

I feel like I can’t cope with the constant feeling of burden and demand on my time, and I feel so guilty for feeling this way but can’t help it. I’m also sad as I was so looking forward to the Christmas break from my job but instead have spent it running around after him and haven’t gotten any break at all.

I’ve been trying desperately to arrange a care package but we are non UK and everything is closed over Xmas and not likely to reopen til early next week. I am back to work at the end of the week and have no idea what will happen then, and also am selfishly dreading going back while not having had a decent break.

Feel like crying tbh. Sorry for the woe is me.

That sounds horrendous, I’m sorry.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and everything to be angry about - what a horrible time you’re having.

As you’re non UK I can’t offer advice but I am sorry you’re going through this.

Some local care homes might offer respite care, for a week or two, if you can pay you can just get it touch. If they have beds free he can be staying there as soon as you have signed the paperwork.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I am trying to arrange respite care or at the very least a care package through the public system but the local authorities and health centres are still closed after Christmas.

We can’t afford to pay privately, it costs at least £1,000 per week for care home accommodation where I live.

Op, does your father have savings?

No savings unfortunately, he has a private pension but can’t draw down lump sums, and the pension isn’t enough to cover the private nursing home fees.

My situation is already stretched so I can’t contribute either.

Oh my god this sounds awful op. Just sending sympathies. It's an impossible situation. But don't try to do the impossible for too long. You need to look after yourself and your job and your family.

Does he own his house?

Is there an emergency number for the authorities? They often have an emergency team who work out of hours who would be able to help, or speak to the hospital they maybe able to advise what would usually happen when a primary carer is not able to care

God cry, no one knows unless they have done it what it imvolves, time is huge as its so unpredictable, you clean wSh feed then another incident happens. Im so exhausted i dont talk to no one time i finish the chors i just need silence, the bells gone off so hes up again good luck love get support x

@Footache83 I hope you got things sorted.

I think there comes a point at which you call adult social services if there is a vulnerable person at risk of harm. You can’t be all
things to all people.