I’m in shock

[Saskia22]

Hi, suppose I’m looking to vent. I am absolutely livid and crying at the same time. My 81 yr old mother is really triggering me. I’m her only child and 54. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder through twenty years on and off counselling. According to the experts my bpd is rooted in childhood emotional abuse, from my mother. She was manipulative. She was distant. I was the butt of her jokes and reminded often that I wasn’t like the other pretty girls. She would regularly send me off with my grandad, her step dad who abused her as a child. She was jealous of me and at 16 walked out on me and my dad. Would turn up at clubs and pubs I would go to. She even had a one night stand. When she ran out of my net a year and a half later she returned. I scraped through my a levels at the time. Anyway, she had a heart attack in September and been told to give up smoking which she hadn’t despite all the help with vapes, gum etc but there’s always an excuse.
This past week she has made an excuse for me to go round three times. She had pressed a button on her remote and turned on audio description and couldn’t get it off. Then proceeded to blame my other half who hadn’t touched it. Tonight was extra special. I was cooking dinner, phones in other room. Next thing other half’s come in and said your mums rang and asked if I can pop round after dinner. I rang her and said what’s the matter. She said she’s hurt her hip, said it was a sprain, then said she’d broken it. I said I will ring an ambulance if you can’t move. She went into one, saying you are not going to waste nhs time. I asked what she actually needed and she said I need you to come round and turn everything off as I can’t move. Turn up, I’m fuming as she used to fake being I’ll just so she didn’t have to do dinner or look after me. She actually told me this! Anyway get to her house, she’s sat in the lounge, the kitchen in a right mess. Anyway she says she’s hurt can’t lay down. I said 3 times this week we are called round because of this and that. She did her usual you’re really upsetting me you’d better go. I said I will she then shouted how much I’d upset her. I shouted have you ever wondered why I need all this counselling and stormed out. What now? Supposed to do her meds tomorrow

You know you don't have to go. She's toxic.

What would your therapist say?

OP if you and your partner simply ceased to exist tomorrow who would look after her? If there’s no willing family then it’s time for a call to adult social services.

You dont have to keep her in your life.
She isnt owed it.

Start saying no to her

Stop going round. Block her number. She can sort herself out

All the pp are right but realistically are you going to do it? Dm is same age and if she’s been drinking will often try and get us to go up (50min round trip) it’s been various reasons, stressed because the clothes horse had collapsed, couldn’t get her leg wrap off, couldn’t turn the light on, and dropped whisky glass and glass and whisky everywhere (I wasn’t too annoyed at that one)

things we have done:
reiterated mum we can’t just come running at the drop of a hat you have neighbours etc.

set up carers for her
arranged a cleaner
got Alexa activated lights for her (fortunately these are operational remotely as Alexa doesn’t appreciate being shouted at so she couldn’t turn them off)
bought nice plastic whiskey glasses.

it’s a gently gently process. Rule number 1 She shouts at you - you leave.
when you see her be very specific about when you can come again. Mum I have x,y,z on this week I’ll won’t see you until Thursday.

the turning everything off thing set up voice activated things.

if she’s ’broken’ something she’ll need temporary carers until she’s mobile again.

if the place is a shit tip she’ll need a cleaner.

practice sorry mum don’t have time for that let’s sort you out paid help for that.

things we have done:
reiterated mum we can’t just come running at the drop of a hat you have neighbours etc.

I wouldn’t go with this one. You don’t know what other people have in their life, or if they want to help. There are teams of professionals who deal with older folk.

in mums case there are many many neighbours she can call on she lives in that kind of village. Obviously it differs place to place.

In an only child, mum and dad were both at boy children. There is no other family. All grandparents have pass d and dear dad a year and a half ago.

Your Mum should have thought about that before she started treating you like shit.

the consequence of speaking to someone badly is that they want nothing to do with you.

When she phones about her meds, take a step back. “You asked me to go, said I was upsetting you, so I have gone and you don’t need to be upset. I’m sure you can work out how to manage these things if me being around is too much. Let me know if you want to meet for a coffee. Bye.”

E mail her doctor, explain her behaviour, ask to have her assessed, consider a nursing home.

You don’t have to go when she calls and you know that. If you don’t go, eventually she will stop calling you. She doesn’t deserve care from you. It would be a good idea to block her for a while.

You need to take a big step back and stop doing stuff for her.

She's abused you before and it seems she still tries to. If she starts shouting at you then you just get up and LEAVE. If she starts taunting and insulting you then also leave. If the place is a shit hole then tell her she needs a cleaner.

Tell her you only have so much time. If she wants more then she'll have to pay for carers. In fact, tell her she'll need carers anyway and stop being so available as she clearly doesn't appreciate it at all.

Keep feeding her the cigarettes, she’ll eventually roll off her mortal coil and you will find peace.

This stops as soon as you want it to. Block her number, stop going to her house, don't look back.

Thanks so much for all your comments. Absolutely right that I’ve got to put my foot down and lay down some boundries. I’ve had a whole day off from her and it’s been beautiful. Got some quality time booked in with my son tomorrow. Feeling a lot braver. I don’t owe her and more importantly she does not run me.Shes not going to like it but I don’t care.

You need to distance yourself from your toxic mum. So sorry, but you need to put yourself first for a change.

So what? She's an abusive monster and doesn't deserve your help. Tell Social Services that you are estranged due to her abuse and you will be providing no care or support.