For those with elderly parent/s at home, how have you managed to have a break/ holiday

[RememberBeKindWithKaren]

A year ago, my mum hadn't been diagnosed with dementia, a heart condition also wasn't yet known of and she could walk into town on her own.. Big health scare last February - arterial stenosis.., She's also now been diagnosed with dementia, is sometimes physically frail , but otherwise she dresses and washes herself and lives alone..She has carers at breakfast time and tea time every day for about 40 mins or so.

My husband is keen for us to book some sort of a break this/.next summer. We didn't get anywhere last year besides a 4 day break in Somerset - we're in the middle of Hampshire , so not that far away.

Have you used respite care? Can you recommend it ? I might be able to explain this to my mum.

The main needs if I were away - say we could drive to Yorkshire, that kind of distance - issues would be keeping her cupboards stocked with food and drink.

If she were to go into a care home for respite then we would try a holiday in the channel Islands.

Can you give me some ideas , if you can relate and if you think you have done something like this please?.

I used respite care for my late mother. (She had severe osteoporosis and mixed dementia.) However, it was very difficult to find.

ETA I mainly sourced it through our local social work dept. When I tried to do it privately, the various homes tried to strong-arm me into putting Mum into care permanently.

@WearyAuldWumman thanks. Can I ask for you to explain the part about it being sourced through a local social work dept ? How, and who could I ask please?

Could she manage with carers more often during the day? Online delivery before you go for food? Or even a live in carer for a fortnight? Respite residential care can be very hard to source.

Thanks yes I think this might be the best way to go. She won't like the idea but actually, I'm not sure she'd notice it too much. If I could do a food order for a time when a carer would take the food in and store it, that might work. I just can't imagine me not going to see her for a period of say a week. It must be possible, just the food that's going.to be the issue.

Live in care for a period of time? Start now to meet and book the right person. It’s mind blowingly expensive but so is respite care.

Ask your LA about Shared Lives. Respite but in a family home rather than care home. A lot of care homes only do respite for 28 nights

When we needed help with Mum's care, we still had a walk-in social services dept that dealt with home care. This was later removed.

In our area, you now need to contact social services elder care via the council's website - though there is an emergency phone number.

A social worker was assigned to Mum and an assessment was done of her care needs. However, I later found out that I could also ask for a carer's assessment of my needs.

That's the start of the process. A lot of it depends on how good your social worker is.

I'm in Scotland, so we were entitled to a tiny amount of 'free' home care for Mum - only 15 to 30 minutes a day at the start, I recall. However, the council subcontracts to a private firm, so I then paid for extra.

The respite was allocated via Mum's social worker. We didn't get a great deal of say as to which home was used. A small amount of care was allocated where we only paid what they termed 'hotel costs' - so much per day. Anything beyond that, we paid. Firms up here to tend to try to rip off people. At a point when folk in England were paying about 700 a week, we were paying 900.

I recall that there's info on the websites for Age Uk and the Alzheimer's society.

You may already have done this, but if you haven't you should apply for Attendance Allowance for your mother. This is a help when it comes to paying for care etc. The advice we got from social work on filling up the forms was to emphasise what help Mum needed on her worst days. I know that Citizens' Advice often helps to fill up the forms.

Later, when I was told to apply for my late husband, the hospital sent someone from the Chest, Heart and Stroke Association to fill up his forms.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/replacement-care-respite-care-england

Yes apply for attendance allowance if yiu haven't. My mum had a vascular dementia diagnosis earlier this year. She's more independent than yours but she still had it awarded 2 weeks after I applied! £70 odd quid a week.

Have a look at your county council website- there should be some info on aut social care. Care at home will be less disruptive. Ask for local recommendations- could existing carers increase their hours?

My DM lives next door. Usually my DB would come up when we’re away but he’s unable to for the holiday we have booked in July. I’ll do a big shop for her the day before we go, she has a cleaner and a gardener who each come once a week and I’ll also be arranging a home chiropodist appointment for that week. My best friend will also check in with her regularly and I’ve asked my DS to take a couple of days annual leave and come home for 2-3 nights to break the week up for her. Hopefully this means she’ll see someone in person each day we’re away. She has a falls watch that I can monitor her on and she’s pretty good at sending me random thumbs up via messenger each day so I know she’s ok. There’s some cognitive decline but no dementia as yet, that would change things for us a lot, I think. However she’s almost blind, is severely mobility impaired and has an aneurysm. Any major decline in her condition between now and then and she’ll have to come with us.

I noticed that you’re in Hampshire, I know several people have used respite care in homes in Winchester for family members with dementia, and don’t seem to have had pressure to take up permanent places. They are all self funded. I’m not sure how far in advance they’ve booked the places, it’s generally been to cover holidays so may have been a decent time ahead.

Thanks Pingu. This is probably the way I'm going to go.

I didn't mention it but my brother lives in the same town as my mum. It's really frustrating though because he's unable to think ahead and work out what food she needs. It's not laziness, he's a vulnerable adult. So he's great at keeping up delivering the TV times or say toilet rolls ( especially if she mentions it ), but for some reason he never considers how much bread she has, if she's low on milk and so on..I'm finding it quite hard work these days. Need to somehow work on how to get the food and drink shopping better organised.

And if/when we have a mini break I'll work out what food she's going to need replenishing after a few days.. It can't be impossible, just got to sit down and work it out.

@tesseractor thanks I did visit a few care homes since this autumn and they do say that they would do respite care but it would be such a big change for her I can't imagine how she'd cope when it's probably just 5 or 6 days we'll need it for. I mean in the long term it's probably what we'll have to do but I don't think we're quite ready yet. Although it would be easiest for us, she won't adapt easily , unless I'm completely wrong here.Goodness knows..

Many thanks though :)

Could she use Winchester Farm Foods? They deliver once a week per area and it means she has some meals in the freezer? Carers can usually heat up a meal for people. Sometimes a Good Neighbour scheme, or just a good neighbour, will do milk/bread type shopping - I would happily do that for anyone on our road.

Wiltshire Farm Foods!

We looked into it for dm who has dementia, visually impaired and poor mobility - lives with my dad and he’d like a break. However the local care homes only do 2 weeks, cost of £3000. He worries she’d decline in that time and not come home again, so chose not to. Means no break for him, though.

I’d Definitely work on keeping her at home with increased care if you can.

What is the issue with food? Is it that she leaves the fridge or freezer door open so any food in their spoils? Or that she eats raw food that is in the fridge or freezer? Or that she gorges herself if it is there? Or what? Does she usually prepare her own meals? Or do carers do that?
My friend is in charge of her dad’s shopping. She shops for him every five days or so and gets cereal (if needed), milk for cereal & tea, a loaf of bread, sandwich fillings, fruit, some snacks and five ready meals. There are then some emergency ready meals in the freezer. The fridge, freezer & food cupboards all have child locks on. He has carers every morning & evening. She goes around at lunchtime and makes him a sandwich. Both the carers and she make him a cup of tea and another one in a travel mug. When she’s away, a carer goes in at lunchtime as well. A couple of us locally are on standby in case there is a “disaster” (a carer once managed to spill a new thing of milk and, whilst they cleaned it up, they didn’t replace the milk) and extra supplies are needed. She also leaves a lot to extra bed linen as, whilst it would be unusual for him to have an accident, if it were to happen, the carers have clean bedding. Plus she leaves all of his clothing out & labelled for each day so they can check he’s in clean clothes.
It seems to work. She speaks to her dad each day and he’s usually able to say if there’s an issue, or at least let her know if she needs to speak with the carers. Likewise, the carers can contact her. She says she doesn’t completely relax but likens it to when a child is on a school trip - you just have to trust that they are being taken care of.

Could your brother manage to be at the house at a specific time and day? If so, could you order a food delivery for her and have him meet it?

For a short period for a holiday I wouldn’t worry about how much bread, milk etc she has left - I would just order more than she needs and accept that a bit will go to waste.

When my friends dad was at this stage, I was “on call” whilst she was on holidays and popped in a couple of times in the week to “drop things off for her” so that I could text her that he was ok. This only worked because we grew up together so although he didn’t really remember me I felt familiar to him because he’s known me since teens. A neighbour or someone he saw daily would also have worked…

@NewUserName2244 thanks that's a good idea- getting a food.delivery slot for a time when my brother would be round there. I think he's up to that.

Yes, I take your point about over - ordering being better than under - ordering . Yes I could put this in place..Many thanks for your post :)

Maybe start with a few practice runs before you go to ensure it goes well? Maybe once a month to start with.