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Elderly parents

How long did it take for your elderly parent to settle into a care home...or did it not happen?

32 replies

FinallyMovingHouse · 27/12/2025 13:40

My Dmum went into a care home just under 3 weeks ago, and she's finding it tough we think. It's difficult to tell, as she had previously been pretty difficult with dementia, but had a major step down after a health scare/new diagnosis approx. 4 weeks ago, that ended with her being hospitalised twice in a week. She cries whenever she sees anyone she knows and although she calms, she then cries again at intervals throughout any visit. My Ddad is finding it particularly difficult, as he is visiting on most days and stays for a couple of hours but has the same 'when am I coming home' or 'I'll pack my things now' discussions and then the explanation of why she can't come home every time. At home she was distressed, although usually mainly at night. We're all battling with the guilt at her being in the home, as her physical health is much improved after the hospital (chest infection plus new heart failure diagnosis). Dad is I think also still considering whether he wants her in a home, or whether he can get away with overnight help instead. We've gone through the practicalities with him and although he objectively knows the issues, he's still struggling, also due to the fact that the care home is eating all of her savings at a rate of knots, which he absolutely hates.

Does this improve, in your experience; is it settling or is it just the new reality of her condition? She was diagnosed with middle stage alzheimers in 2024 (and had easily been at that stage for for 4 years or more), although since last month (pre care home), has significantly dropped on the memory, comprehension and is now losing weight and with occasional speech difficulties, such as difficulty with pronunciation.

I suspect that this is a nigh on impossible question to get a conclusive answer on, but if anyone has an experiences that might help, that would be good to read. Many thanks all.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 02/01/2026 08:59

My dm was supposed to be recuperating in a care home for two weeks after a heart op. We hoped the lovely environment and being provided with three hasslefree meals a day would convince her that a permanent move would be a good thing.

She arrived at 2pm, stayed the night and then called a cab.😁 Refused point blank to go back.

She then lived at home with some help - gardener, cleaner, mobile hair dresser, FarmFoods, until a week before she died. But no Alzheimers, just frailty and mild forgetfulness.

SomethingRattling · 02/01/2026 09:40

You could say, 'You are so much better mum, just stay another day and see how you feel.'

SleafordSods · 02/01/2026 18:03

ChikinLikin · 02/01/2026 08:54

She will settle in better if you visit less. I visit my mum once a week for an hour before supper. It took her a month to be happy in the home. We told her she was convalescing and that she would come home when she is fit enough. She is fine now though (after 6 months) and she has made a friend, which is miraculous.

DMIL made a friend after a few months. They used to walk around the home together with their handbags as though they were both going out.

Lord knows ehat they talked about as by that time most of DMIL language had gone but it was so lovely to see her have some companionship.

SleafordSods · 02/01/2026 18:14

ElderlyDilemmas · 02/01/2026 08:45

Thanks @SleafordSods I didn't reply straight away as they had a huge row a few days ago and we need to let the dust settle, as has happened several times recently Mum ranted on and on at Dad and wouldn't listen to him at all (his speech is somewhat impaired). My sibling witnessed this. Mum is now acting as if nothing has happened, her short term memory is all over the place. I do need to talk to them again but want to talk to Dad properly first and can't visit at the moment because I've got a streaming cold. Mum unfortunately has outlived virtually all her friends, has no family locally and is constantly finding excuses to give church a miss etc but her coping strategy of leaning on Dad and the home so much isn't doing either of them any good. I have suggested she contact the GPs social prescribing service but she won't do it.

Why do colds seem to materialise at the most inconvenient of times? I hope you’re buggers off quickly @ElderlyDilemmasFlowers

Is there a chance that your DMs cognition is declining? These things can be masked for a long time if she’s in a familiar environment with a regular routine but can become more noticeable if there is a change and your DF’s fall does sound like a significant change for all of you.

If her cognition is declining, unfortunately she may just not have the ability to contact the GP herself.

Could you email her GPs practice and state your concerns? That her short term memory and behaviour both seem erratic avd that she’s not coping with your DF now being in a Nursing Home?

I’ve done similar at different times for different relatives. You’ll need to make it clear that you aren’t after any information about your DM but you just want to bring it to their attention as you want to avoid an unnecessary hospital admission.

Everytime I’ve done it the GP has called them in for something like a well woman check or a drug review.

I really feel for you. It must be so hard dealing with everything you’ve been through with your DF without having to deal with your DM struggling too Flowers

SleafordSods · 02/01/2026 18:17

Oh and @ElderlyDilemmasare you on the Cockroach Cafe thread? If you’re not, it’s worth having a look as everyone in there is going through something to do with our old ones and are all very supportive.

ElderlyDilemmas · 04/01/2026 23:31

@SleafordSods thank you, sorry to not reply sooner. I saw them both today and they were fine, but there is a lot to unpick. It's late now, will reply more fully tomorrow

FinallyMovingHouse · 06/01/2026 17:07

SleafordSods · 31/12/2025 06:53

It’s interesting that you’ve only replied to the posters who have said that your DM shouldn’t be in a Care Home. It’s very easy to feel guilty once your DM is there but from what you’ve said it was absolutely the right decision to make. Would you say that guilty feelings are currently driving your decision making now?

Edited

That's an astute observation and yes, very definitely feeling guilty and a bit defensive. This was not helped by my Dmum's younger sister ringing my Ddad the same day, telling him that it's no wonder he can't cope but that anyone else who wasn't 89 COULD cope.

My Dsis had to call her and explain in the end as to how bad mum was, as my aunt had really worried my Ddad and he was fretting and annoyed (as we all were). My aunt (84 and fit) is kind of caring for her own DH at the moment, as he has mild dementia and some health issues, but he is still driving and both are basically independent. He has bad anxiety as his main symptom, which must be hard to deal with I think. I think she was trying to justify her own situation and although understandable, it was out of line and absolutely should not have been said to my dad in that way.

Mum is still not settling, even with slightly fewer visits but we're just playing it by ear at the moment. Thanks and best to all. x

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