How long did it take for your elderly parent to settle into a care home...or did it not happen?

[FinallyMovingHouse]

My Dmum went into a care home just under 3 weeks ago, and she's finding it tough we think. It's difficult to tell, as she had previously been pretty difficult with dementia, but had a major step down after a health scare/new diagnosis approx. 4 weeks ago, that ended with her being hospitalised twice in a week. She cries whenever she sees anyone she knows and although she calms, she then cries again at intervals throughout any visit. My Ddad is finding it particularly difficult, as he is visiting on most days and stays for a couple of hours but has the same 'when am I coming home' or 'I'll pack my things now' discussions and then the explanation of why she can't come home every time. At home she was distressed, although usually mainly at night. We're all battling with the guilt at her being in the home, as her physical health is much improved after the hospital (chest infection plus new heart failure diagnosis). Dad is I think also still considering whether he wants her in a home, or whether he can get away with overnight help instead. We've gone through the practicalities with him and although he objectively knows the issues, he's still struggling, also due to the fact that the care home is eating all of her savings at a rate of knots, which he absolutely hates.

Does this improve, in your experience; is it settling or is it just the new reality of her condition? She was diagnosed with middle stage alzheimers in 2024 (and had easily been at that stage for for 4 years or more), although since last month (pre care home), has significantly dropped on the memory, comprehension and is now losing weight and with occasional speech difficulties, such as difficulty with pronunciation.

I suspect that this is a nigh on impossible question to get a conclusive answer on, but if anyone has an experiences that might help, that would be good to read. Many thanks all.

Hard as it is to do, dialling right back on the visits for the first few weeks often helps people settle. Once a week rather than daily.

Today is the best she will ever be. You’ve absolutely made the right decision.
Ask yourself what else are her savings for at this stage in life? They’re ensuring she is fed, warm and has 24/7 care. She is safe.
Visit less often. Weekly is fine. She may be distressed when you visit. She was distressed at home too.
MIL has eventually thrived in care. Needs now outweigh wants. There is no other option. It’s hard, but sometimes good enough has to do and the needs of wider family are just as important.

If her health has improved and she wants to be at home then that is where she should be. Help can be provided by visiting and maybe sleep in carers. Cutting out visits would be inhumane, you would n’y treat a dog like that. For 17 years I Han a homecare service that supported many individuals with dementia to live at home until they died, with the right approach and understanding that is very possible for most people.

Go along with her fantasy of coming home. She probably has no sense of time I would answer ‘tomorrow. What coat do you want to wear’. I agree with not visiting too often and staying for a shorter time. When I used to leave m Mum I used ro stay , ‘ shall I make us a cuppa’ she would say yes and then I would ask her what cake she wanted. That way I could get away without saying goodbye.

She settled really well in a couple of weeks. She often criticised what people were wearing. I would try to ssshh her a say ‘you can’t sat that’ . She would reply “it’s my house I can say what I like”. I took that as a good sign.

Have a chat to the staff, sometimes less visits at the start are better because it's less triggering . Avoid long drawn out goodbyes, enlist their help in distracting. Feeling guilty doesn't change what she needs at this point, dementia will only get worse and full time home care is also expensive and would need to be paid for. It can be done but also drains the other partner still. My mum has been in care 18 months and we're thankful because my dad died at the end of September unexpectedly so she didn't have to try and absorb something new whilst forgetting he'd died and the home have been amazing. I worked in dementia care for over 20 years in a non care role, everyone is different.

Moving a loved one into a care home, especially with dementia, is really difficult. It won’t be easy at any point, and now it’s happened it really is best not to disrupt that. It does take quite a while to settle into a home but it can be much safer for them . Dementia is a long difficult journey and I’m sorry this is happening to your family.

Visit less until she has settled. You can always call the home to find out how she is getting on. My Dad took about three weeks to settle for his first respite stay. This time, he went in after three falls in one day. He's settled much more quickly this time.

I go in every other day now, but he thinks he hasn't seen me for a fortnight. He's living in another world. He asked me whether my husband minded me spending time visiting today. I left my husband in 2017 and had been Dad's live in carer since lock down in 2020 until he went into the care home ten days ago.

It's tough for everyone, but if they are safe, well cared for and you are comfortable with the Home, they are better off staying.

i find ‘visit less’ so so so sad. I think she should see a loved one every day while she is settling in.

op is there not an option for your dad to stay with her there sometimes?

Totally agree with the going along with the fantasy of going home.

With our DMIL it wasn’t even her own home, where she’d lived for over 50 years. That had been long forgotten and it was her childhood home she wanted to go to to be with her DPs.

If you explain why she can’t come home it will upset her and the sense of upset will last far longer than the memory of why she can’t go home.

Asking to go home is normal too, it doesn’t mean that she’s not settling where she is. It means that she’s confused and hankers after that sense of security and comfort that most people get from being at home.

The best thing you can do if she asks to come home is say something like “shall we pack in the morning and then catch the bus”? Then change the subject and distract her with something else. This will give her the sense that something nice is going to happen and shouldn’t upset her.

i agree with getting your DF to cut the visits down too.

The Care Home had to ask DFIL to stop going daily a few times as he was upsetting her. Mainly because no matter how many times people explained how to communicate with someone who has Dementia to him, he insisted on being brutally honest with her all of the time, and brutal is the right term. It was so upsetting for her and not caring in the slightest.

It was difficult to watch as he wasn’t visiting for DMILs benefit, she was much happier when he didn’t go.

Has your DF joined the local Carers Hub? He might find it helpful to talk to others who have a DP with Dementia.

I’ve just reread your post. If DM does say things like “I’ll pack my things now” can you DF be persuaded to say something like “we’re going to have tea and cake in a minute, why don’t we do it later”?

Two hours every day is also a lot. If she has her lunch say at 12, could he be persuaded to visit at 11 so he spends an hour with her and then she goes to lunch? That was your DF isn’t leaving her alone in her room and she’s probably a little better in the mornings anyway?

Does he take an activity to do with her too? Maybe watch a tv program together Thats she used to like, look through some old photos together or even just put sone had cream on for her?

It’s so difficult but I would agree with the playing along suggested above. My uncle is end stage dementia and bed bound and in a care home - he is luckily not distressed but he asks me every 10 minutes how he got where he is and how long he’ll be there for. Every time I say he came here from the hospital (true) to recuperate until he gets his strength back (less true) but this seems to satisfy him.

Also I wouldn’t advise bringing her back home - my MIL opted to look after my FIL at home (even though he was happy in the care home she was not happy with it) - he lived many more years needing high levels of care and it ruined her health in the process. Obviously your dad has to do what he’s comfortable with but I would stick it out and hopefully it will settle down.

sending you lots of love at this time. It’s very hard.

My DM took about 3 months before the tears stopped. It was impossible for her to come home. The paramedics had filed a safeguarding report with the GP because her bathroom was inaccessible and in the few months since she had been in hospital and rehab she had lost all ability to mobilise and she required a hoist, something that would have been impossible in her tiny granny annex.

As time went on we would explain that we were just waiting for her legs to get stronger or there was a problem with the heating and we couldn't bring her home to somewhere so cold. We even weren't always truthful. We even told her that the government had said old people weren't allowed to travel because it was so cold. She settled down eventually but her dementia was increasing all the time and she was understanding less and less.

We told my late mum that she needed to stay in the home as the boiler was broken and they
couldn't get the part to make it work. Then changed the subject. This was for the 3 years she was in.
Because it was a problem she seemed to understand.
She couldn't have lived at home as she had forgotten how to cook or even make a sandwich.

My relative asks to leave every time I visit. He chose the home and I very reluctantly managed the move. He immediately regretted it, and went to visit every other care home in the area, chose one, waited for a space, then refused to move saying he had never wanted to move. After a few weeks he started again wanting to move and telling friends he was being badly treated, could he stay at their house!
Strap in and get ready for the ride OP - have a virtual chocolate and a hug.

My mother had dementia for many years before a fall at home convinced my father the time had come. Even then he felt guilty. But the move showed more clearly how much she didn't understand, e.g talking about the home and gardens as if they were hers, for example. And although we took photos, music etc she liked, she showed no interest in them really after the move. She also declined quite rapidly after a stroke she had whilst there- she lived for only around a year after that and knew none of us by that time. Things won't get any better, so I think you need to let her stay. It is horrible but it will be much better for your father and his mental health to know she is in the best place to receive tge care she needs.

Hi, to be honest the nights are terrible with her, as she just doesn't sleep and doesn't understand that other people need to. If Ddad was there, she would constantly bother him and his exhaustion was the main reason for finally taking the plunge with the care home. We couldn't see an overnight care package working ever, as Dmum would just shout for dad and frankly cause a stink until he was there, which negates the entire purpose of having overnight help. #In the care home I also think that it would confuse her, as she has said already that they sometimes dance down the corridor together during the night, which I think is lovely, given it's obviously her brain playing tricks. Thank you for the suggestion though x

Thank you to everyone for the stories and suggestions. I have said to Ddad that he could visit less and he's not going every day (also as the buses are difficult on some days), although does still go on most days, as he wants to see her.

Hi Astrabees, my Dsis and I had already discounted the use of overnight carers, as Dmum would not accept other people if my Ddad was in the house also (and he would inevitably come to the rescue). I'm not sure how the logistics would work as they live(d) in a small bungalow, don't drive and the soundproofing is not good at all. The other issue is that I suspect her health has improved recently due to the good care being received, as Ddad was certainly not in good health whilst looking after Dmum and he was getting more and more annoyed with her. He is 89 and frail, with a heart that should have stopped working 30 years ago. We've all expected him to just drop for years but he's defied all odds and kept on trucking, through sheer will power we suspect. I just don't think it's possible in these circumstances.

My Nan went on respite at first, because my dad had just become very ill and my mum couldn’t do both. She understood initially about my dad and was good about it, but we did have to explain every time we went why she was there because she forgot.

Her first respite was to a big fancy home - drinks trolley, gorgeous grounds etc… but it wasn’t for her because the other residents’ needs were very high and there was nobody for her to talk to, play cards etc. Her issue was much more that although she had lost her short term memory it was
only really her body letting her down, not her mind. We had her home and then moved her - again initially for respite - to a much smaller place where there were more people like her and she settled a lot more quickly. Yes there were days when she was very grumpy and asked when she was coming home but I think because we were able to say she was actually helping her daughter cope by being there, she felt a bit better. My mum only went 2-3 times a week and the rest of us went at other times. I think sharing the visits helped too. We would always plan to do something on our visits - play a game, crossword, take in some cake, my sister would do her nails etc.

Is the visiting stopping her joining in activities in the home? It’s harder to settle if they’re not getting used to other people and the staff, and if two hours of visiting each morning prevents them joining an organised activity that won’t help. Could he reduce the visits to every other day?

It’s interesting that you’ve only replied to the posters who have said that your DM shouldn’t be in a Care Home. It’s very easy to feel guilty once your DM is there but from what you’ve said it was absolutely the right decision to make. Would you say that guilty feelings are currently driving your decision making now?

Just posting to say I feel your pain. It is quite reassuring that it's not just us. DF has had to go into a nursing home for physical reasons, no dementia, but he requires hoisting following a really severe fall injury (12 weeks in a rehab unit) and their house is totally unsuitable, the NHS OT came round took one look and said no. He was in a discharge to assess placement for 6 weeks then desperate to move (care was brilliant but it was cramped and noisy and hard for Mum to get to). Moved him to one of the "all
mod cons" places a month ago but he hasn't settled there either and says he's not using half the things he's paying for (true) and wants to move again. He has capacity so it's his decision. But it's hard, we can't take him to look at places because he requires specialist transport to go anywhere. But the biggest problem is my mum, who is physically fit and well but not coping AT ALL emotionally, she has more or less moved in herself and this really isn't helping Dad. She probably stays away one day a fortnight and once she's there she stays for several hours (4-6). I am starting to worry that he'll never settle anywhere with this going on. It is helpful to read other's experiences.

It definitely took a while fkr DFIL to start to build any kind of life once DMIL went into a Care Home. Even though she had been deteriorating fkr a while I think being away from her came as a huge shock and he hankered after the life they’d had before she developed dementia.

It helped that the Care Hone told him to stay away a couple of times. It made him realise that jist going there every day was not a realistic option.

Getting him to talk to other people who had either lost a DP/DW/DH or had one in care also helped.

Could you ask for the Care Home’s advice on how to tackle your DF not settling and ask if they have any advice on how to deal with your DM?

Thanks @SleafordSods I didn't reply straight away as they had a huge row a few days ago and we need to let the dust settle, as has happened several times recently Mum ranted on and on at Dad and wouldn't listen to him at all (his speech is somewhat impaired). My sibling witnessed this. Mum is now acting as if nothing has happened, her short term memory is all over the place. I do need to talk to them again but want to talk to Dad properly first and can't visit at the moment because I've got a streaming cold. Mum unfortunately has outlived virtually all her friends, has no family locally and is constantly finding excuses to give church a miss etc but her coping strategy of leaning on Dad and the home so much isn't doing either of them any good. I have suggested she contact the GPs social prescribing service but she won't do it.

But yes I will have to speak to the home about it all

She will settle in better if you visit less. I visit my mum once a week for an hour before supper. It took her a month to be happy in the home. We told her she was convalescing and that she would come home when she is fit enough. She is fine now though (after 6 months) and she has made a friend, which is miraculous.